Handed in notice at my job (because I got a better job) and my departure was announced earlier this week in the weekly update email, and now I get to play a game of “does this person secretly hate me or do they just never read the weekly updates” when I interact with people who don’t mention it

This country was irrevocably fucked the moment Sainsbury’s decided to recategorise yoghurt as a main in their meal deal

Mad that a month ago I could not have given less of a shit about Lily Allen, and now if I don’t get tickets to see her perform West End Girl in the presale today I will **** ******

Spurs have scored 4 good goals, all from open play. Don’t care how crap the opposition have been, this is the most fun I’ve had watching us in ages 🥲

Holy shit

Forgot that Thomas Frank’s Tottenham Hotspur were playing football tonight and then I just had to stupidly go and remember, cheers, evening ruined

Carly Rae Jepsen is PREGNANT oh no we ain’t getting a new album or tour now for YEEEAAARS 😭

I feel like Chris Martin bizarrely yelling “let’s see those beautiful British arms” during Coldplay’s 2024 Glastonbury set deserved to become a meme, but seemingly the only people who picked up on it at the time were me and, based on a quick google, whoever was running the guardian live blog.

Excited to be starting my new job as PR for David Harbour today!

Feel like Frank is pitching his tactics at Spurs like he's managing a team that came 17th, instead of coaching us like a team that's playing in the Champions League, and fair enough I guess we did make things confusing for him on that front

Fair play to Brentford fans for sitting through seven years of this.

Have somehow never noticed this building near my work before and now I am obsessed with the trans tower 🏳️‍⚧️

Barney Ronay, the deeply weird football writer, has written about the decision to ban Maccabi Tel Aviv fans away at Aston Villa. It's 20 paragraphs long, and 6 of those are about Zack Polanski. Polanski has made no comment about this football match or the police's decision to bar away fans...

I just feel like brands used to make a tiny bit more effort with Halloween branding than just shoving an alliterative spooky word in front of a product.

I’m sorry because he seems very likeable from what I’ve seen, but you can’t be giving Springsteen’s reheated Nebraskchos the Mercury

My work laptop has been doing this since April and there’s probably a really simple fix to it I could look up but I decided it was easier for me to accept that landscape is now portrait and portrait is now landscape

if i had a nickel for every time Ash Regan had run for leadership of a party, lost, and then quit that party entirely i’d have two nickels, etc, etc

Great gowns, beautiful gowns

I’m in a place in Italy that has more of a pub feel than cafe/bar (it even has pub in the name) so thought I was safe just ordering at the counter but nope that was clearly not the case I have committed a terrible faux pas

Would quite like it if Spurs could manage to beat Wolves, an objectively shit team, ever

whenever Sherma's not on screen, all the other characters should be asking "Where's Sherma"?

Soup isn’t so much a meal as it is an excuse to eat half a loaf of bread (complimentary)

Lucas Bergvall

Concerned that the question “why the hell does this Morrisons bakery bread need to have palm oil in it?” and the question “how the hell does this Morrisons bakery bread taste so good?” might be interrelated, RIP orangutans you had a good run but I’m sure if you tasted this bread you’d understand

I’m hoping that as I gain skills and abilities it will get a bit easier, wild choice to make this game so ridiculously hard right out of the gate and I am S T R U G G L I N G

Really sloppy attempt at colour matching for the pasted in signature on Angela Rayner’s resignation letter. If she weren’t already resigning this would be enough for me

Me fighting the first boss in Silksong : well this is laughably easy Me fighting the second boss in Silksong : fuck fuck fuck this shit

This messaging’s a bit too wordy to paint onto a roundabout, he’s got no chance Jokes aside how great is it to hear a British political leader speak like this 😍

Congratulations to @zackpolanski.bsky.social who put to rest any question of in what direction the party wishes to move. Huge mandate for Greens Organise and ecosocialism. Zack Polanski: 84.6% E. Chowns & A. Ramsay: 15.4% Turnout: 24,265 (37.6%)

And even though I’m an action staaaahh

Probably not the hottest take ever but we should be more dog-unfriendly. Because what the fuck is this shit

Coming Up is so good, it’s basically Once In A Lifetime but through a tin can telephone, and it was released the exact same year so the technology definitely existed to make it not sound like complete shit but McCartney decided to toss off one of his best songs as the 80s equivalent of a voice memo

One day Avanti West Coast’s scientists will develop the technology to allow them to run a train in August that doesn’t have its heating on full blast, and humanity will ascent to a new age of scientific and technological enlightenment. I know it sounds like pie in the sky stuff but we must be close?

But what is Fran Healy Travis’s view on Crear? What’s the vibe like? Is it comparable to anywhere else?

Feeeeed the cats, tuppence a bag 🎵

ATTENTION 🚨 We made the first ever (I think) LIVE STREAMED short film. Starring: NICK HELM SOOZ KEMPNER JOEY PAGE ME Directed by: BEN MALLABY You can see it here for FREE NOW 🔥HOT MILK🥛 youtu.be/On7EKdF_hNs?...

Two years early but never lost faith in Richarlison my beautiful Pigeon Prince

Whichever misguided soul in IRN BRU’s marketing dept dreamt up “Unicorn Tears” and “Nessie Nectar”, bless you for trying to invent names for animal secretions that didn’t sound disgusting, but there’s no getting around the fact it still sounds like cryptid cum. May as well have called it Jock Jizz.

The big billboard and all the turnstiles at Queen Street have been taken over by adverts for MOTH cocktails… which would be fine except you are not legally allowed to drink them on any train departing from this station

Labour government going full fash because they’re so terrified of losing votes to Reform, but have they considered the threat posed by the not insignificant 1% of voters they’ve lost to “dead”? Maybe in order to appeal to that crowd they should consider ******* **********

Don't tell me what you "meant" by your post. I, the post consumer, will decide what you meant. And frankly what you meant was disgusting

I like that there is just perpetually a shit funfair at St Enoch’s Square now, and that it appears to be expanding, fantastic use of public space who doesn’t want to ride the minions IP-only-exists-if-the-drawings-are-good waltzer

This summer I’ve really been enjoying becoming a super annoying Wasp Defender, smugly informing people that “they’re actually important pollinators” as they shriek and flail their arms about in a panic. And now the radioactive mutant wasps are about to ruin all that for me 😔

I'VE STARTED A BRAND NEW CRICKET COMIC I have a meeting with Ian Hislop tomorrow to pitch this. Will also see if Spiked online are interested in a cricket comic.

Gonna come back from Italy with a suitcase full of small shirts because that seems to be the only fucking thing Duolingo is teaching me to ask for

Jess Carter was fantastic today

Come on England* (*the football team, in almost every other context I do not support England)

Getting in after spending half the day drinking and blasting CMAT at full volume, singing along: hahaha my neighbours must really think I’m “Going Through It”, but I’m actually just “A Gay”

It's indefensible, says man who repeatedly defended it.

Duolingo ISTG don’t fuck with me