"tits or ass?" bro, her vendettas

Borderlands-ass plants

Balatro in the parking lot!

homie...🖤...bro...😩😵‍💫

This dog has the goofiest smile

i don't understand lesbian masturbation how do you lift your own chin with a sword!?!

Only the hottest girls can get away with confusing Pearl Jam and Blue Oyster Cult

Dreamt last night that I woke up and part of my finger was missing, past the knuckle. I started to become aware I was dreaming and tried to wake myself up. Woke again and it was still gone. I start looking for it and find it in the trash. I then *actually* woke up all the way, finger intact. Wtf lol

Bravest person I know is my gf, who patiently explained binary math to me last night while I was 3 vodkas deep on an empty stomach

When I'm not getting enough attention I launch Balatro and turn to my gf and tell her this is her fault

Intentionally farting as loud as I can to wake my fiancée up

What if they made another fb biopic and let Connor O'Malley shine

2025 is off to a great start

ok SO there's this thing called home decor and me & my girl well...we've gone pro

I've gotten to see hummingbirds "dive-bombing" as part of their courtship display twice this week and honestly, it works. I'm in love

Who's to say

my fiancee just told our dogs santa paws isn't real. what the actual fuck

sorry if my big naturals distract you during sex you can just push em out of the way

What they don't tell you about living in AZ is it's just too hot to play video games during the summer

there should be more christmas songs about vengeance

my dumb ex-wife took too many off brand viagras and died

frankly, i thought the shooter would be hotter 💁‍♀️

if anyone needs anything i’m busy holding space for the lyrics of flight b741

between 6-8 times a day I listen to Phantom Island in hopes it just like, rips me off my ass and motivates me to do literally anything I need to do and it works like once a day. Which isn't a disparagement to the song I'm just so lazy

I can't believe I've been listening to Sarah McLachlan's "Surfacing" for over 27 years. An album I first heard when I was 8. At least once a year I end up in a mood to listen to it

According to Spotify Wrapped I’m the top listener this year. Of all music. Most handsome too

Love being an ex of things. Ex-smoker, ex-poly, ex-wife, ex- electroswing enjoyer. Life really is about letting the cringe transform you and moving on

i never really cared for boba fett as a character, but now i've seen "The Mandalorian" and really appreciate how he used to have silver armour but changed it to green as a tribute to when he raised yoda as a baby. like he might have turned evil but he still remembers...

POV: you're my fiancée who mentioned one of my three activation phrases (merits of AI, definition of art, or Monty hall problem)

they should have made the spiderman parade balloon regular human sized but flown it twice as high

Flying Microtonal Bear

coffee: - expensive - too hot - wait a long time for clerk to cook it for you - beans gathered by slaves - not allowed to make at home soda: - affordable - refreshing temperature - open and drink instantly - no beans involved - can enjoy at home or on the go winner: soda