Sometimes I worry you’re only around because I’m the sunshine of your life

Can anyone tell me whether it’s Black Friday?

Black Friday is great for unsubscribing from marketing lists, because they all email you at the same time.

Honestly sometimes I wish I could *forget* I’m a womble

*Is that a real train?* Many cinemagoers feel the train is going to come out of the screen, killing us all.

"We want the whole team to make graphics. Design tools are too complex, so we're getting the whole team onto Canva!" 👇 [The whole team realises there's more to good design than simple tools] 👇 "Designer, can you make this look good?" 👇 [Designers everywhere fighting Canva to do design]

Singing Paste and Match Style to the tune of Papa Don't Preach

A game rating system where the game always gets a 7 but the maximum it could be out of is variable. Good game? 7/8. Bad game? 7/34.

My Apple Watch has an ambient volume monitoring feature called Environmental Sound Measurements, which lets me know if I’m using a hand-dryer.

Engineer who spent the last month moving services from AWS to Cloudflare: well shit

The great thing about the architecture of the internet is that you can have multiple single points of failure

Centrism

My favourite thing is when your janky in-app notification I didn’t ask for blocks me from using your app’s navigation

Got these new trainers today but I can't get it out of my head that they look like fuckin DC Tosh Lines from The Bill

If R4 think Zohran’s policies are radical leftism they’re going to lose their shit when they hear about the NHS

Hey girl you must be the Overton Window because every time I look at you, you shift to the right

Before witness protection schemes, all they had were signs saying Keep Off The Grass

I'm sure I can script that up, yeah, kinda works

Finding it vaguely amusing as a headline format, apologising to Jeremy Corbyn before making whatever point you want to make

Live Louvre Laugh

Sometimes being a good friend is taking a few moments out of your day to delete the tracking variables at the end of the seventh link you’ve whatsapped them today

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime Teach three men to fish and they start a podcast called 'The Art of Fish: Diary of a High-Performance Fishtech Leader'

The BBC are accidentally running the subtitles to Mrs Marple over the Mercury Prize, and it’s rather wonderful. A few of lines could plausibly have been written by Jarvis.

Post your most unopinionated hinge

Me: ugh, I’ve been meaning to tackle the limescale on the sink for a while but I’ve already got quite a lot to do toda– ADHD: It is time.

If the David O be Selznick, the film’s gonna be epic; If the David O be Russell, oh buddy, here comes trouble

Paste *and* Match Style? In this economy?!

Received a lot of criticism from my Pathological Liars Anonymous group when I told them I’m playing the Riyadh Comedy Festival.

Open the pod bay doors, André ANDRE 9000: Shake it like a polaroid picture, Dave

Ask not for whom the goose honks; it honks for thee

It’s National Poetry Boxing Day and there’s leftovers, so just say if you want an Angelou sandwich, or I could make a Larkin curry. Think there’s still some Ayres-in-blankets too.

Love to get an email telling me someone has sent me a message in an app

Just thought of a pun which would’ve been really funny in a situation that happened 13 years ago

Can’t wait to debut my Halloween costume this year, Slutty Ask Jeeves

Today’s theory. They put motion smoothing on TVs, and when most people couldn’t see anything was wrong with that, they decided to make politics spiteful and thick, and let water companies put human shit in your tap water. It was the test. We failed.

I've applied the same rigorous scientific process employed by RFK Jr et al., and determined that Tylenol causes fascism

[Sting voice] Giant crabs are what we face fighting on the moon. We found their secret base dark side of the moon. Planning their invasion hiding on the moon. Man versus crustacean fighting on fighting on the moon.

At this point Your Party is mostly an argument over a mailing list. Meanwhile there’s an honest-to-goodness well-established leftist party called @greenparty.org.uk and we have an excellent new leader in @zackpolanski.bsky.social ! Come join! We’re more than a mailing list! join.greenparty.org.uk

“We’ve put the power back into the hands of the people, and it’s all thanks to Change.org.” – literally no-one ever

Can't wait to try the new macOS, let's see what new featu– – ALLOW THIS APP TO FIND DEVICES ON LOCAL NETWORKS? oops yep, that's ok, anyway I wonder what's new with Phot- – ALLOW THIS APP TO FIND DEVICES ON LOCAL NETWORKS? ok, I did say it was fine after the last update but no harm in- – ALLO

Some men will literally rate something 4.5 stars instead of admitting their rating system is out of 10.

Taking bets on whether Apple makes iOS 26 significantly less translucent about a month after releasing it to millions of people with less-than-perfect eyesight.

anyone need their horse rotated?

Keir Starmer has the look of a man who’s worried he taped over his wedding video with the F1 qualifying

I hope this ishmael finds you whale

Sometimes it's hard to get your head around the timescales involved in things like glaciers carving out valleys, or evolution producing complex multi-cellular lifeforms, and at other times I charge the battery of my Apple Magic Trackpad

I'm being blackmailed by Wes Anderson again :(

This, from the Quakers, is a pretty good example of how to resist pressure from bigot lobbying groups. Effectively “we legally can allow trans people to use the loo, we morally should, and we tried it and nothing bad happened”