My latest for @mcsweeneys.net

Yo Paul Shaffer was cooking in 2014……

Do you think Michael Sorrentino from Jersey Shore ever referred to tanning as “shedding a little light on The Situation”

Abolish Everything! takes over the @nebula.tv livestream fundraiser for World Central Kitchen at 10 PM ET! Featuring establishment hacks (pictured), forced at last to consider the abolitionists’ POV. Tune in! Donate! We’re over halfway to the $20,000 goal… www.youtube.com/live/MpVYz3h...

People will say they’re from Whoville and then you press them and it turns out they live “just north of Whoville.” Diva just say you’re from Mt. Crumpit!!!

Abolish the unfounded claim that there are other podcasts about movies!!!

If something is 39 minutes away i will always be late. If it’s 54 minutes away i will always be early. Does this make sense

Need just 10 more straight answers!

ATTENTION STRAIGHT PEOPLE! I am hosting a game of "Straight Family Feud" at Jonathan van Halem's Top 25 Straightest Moments of All Time at Union Hall this Sunday at 5 PM. I need your help! See replies for a Google Form with a handful of questions that need YOUR straight answers.

How r u named nuzzi and ur a newsy nazi

Who even named the Rizzler. I know that lil meatball did not choose Batman villain wordplay for himself. If the Rizzler named the Rizzler he’d probably be called Rocco Lasagna

I need to make a solo trip to IKEA but I’m scared to go buy my shelf

Why didn’t Frankenstein make the creature like 5’6’’. Would be a lot easier to deal with

“What terminal are you landing at?” Literally why would you think I could ever know. They don’t tell us that kind of stuff

We need national standards about what is a normal rate of emoji reacting to Instagram stories. Ladies is he flirting or does he just like pushing colorful buttons

When did you “lock in?” I feel like I started paying attention in ~2007

Nebula now offers free trials which means you can watch Season 1 of Abolish Everything! RIGHT NOW for zero dollars. Abolish your weekend plans!

Ur welcome

My friends, we have abolished, Andrew Cuomo

SUCK IT BILL ACKMAN WE’RE MAKIN’ MAPS IN THIS MF!!!

This Thanksgiving gather your whole family around the tv to watch our movie about a guy trying not to puke

10 tix left!

Tix for the Abolish Everything S2 Finale taping go live on @caveatnyc.bsky.social’s website at NOON TODAY!

*Irish Hailey Welch* hawk of the mornin’ tuah

Who could be on that 10pm show? Perhaps if you’re in NYC you should snag a ticket to see who’s forced to be behind that lectern 😘

Folks! Tix were just made available for the October tapings of Abolish Everything! on @nebula.tv and over half of them are already gone. Don’t miss the ridiculously stacked lineup of our 7 PM taping OR our very special ABOLISH REDEMPTION taping at 10 PM which will feature some familiar faces…

If you’re looking for a video service that DOESN’T allow hate speech and misinformation, come on down to nebula dot tv and tell them Dave sent you

In my opinion W should be “wouble-you”

Every line of this reads like

Periodic reminder that we at @mcsweeneys.net ’s have no writing staff (save for the great @shadesofgreaves.bsky.social), and rely on unsolicited submissions for our humor & satire. We respond to each every submission within 7.39 days (but usually much sooner). www.mcsweeneys.net/pages/guidel...

Trump’s Epstein doodle is a bit of a Rorschach test, if there was a Rorschach test that was just the phrase “I AM A PEDOPHILE”

Spinoff of Emily in Paris called “Gwen in Rome.” If I had gone to a better college I would know someone who would pay me millions to write this

Why was 6 gagged at 7? Because 7 8…………

Please be seated for The Dinner Plan.

As soon as I get back from Japan I’m gonna be saying stuff like “in Japanese culture, it is seen as VERY disrespectful to be rude to someone”

he clocked her tea……….

This month’s run of Abolish tapings starts TOMORROW! Late Thursday show has 4 tix left! Join the radical movement!

If you’ve been thinking about coming to an Abolish Everything! taping, we’ve got FOUR this Thursday and Friday @caveatnyc.bsky.social ! Early shows are sold out but the late shows still have some tix and the lineups are incredible. Don’t miss your chance! www.caveat.nyc/events/aboli...

Delta flight attendant just referred to their Wi-Fi as “fast and free……”

Considering one of my famous “subtle bits” where I always call the national anthem “America’s theme song” and see how long it takes for anyone to notice

are you team big light or team ambient light?

Patrick Willems as an abolitionist and Lily Du as part of the establishment, hell yes let's go

Thursday 7 PM taping is now sold out but the others still have some tix left! www.caveat.nyc/events/aboli...

In last week's Newsletter, @lukevburns.bsky.social and I shared funny work by: - @colincornaby.me - Bobbie Armstrong & @madelinegoetz.bsky.social in @mcsweeneys.net - Sarah Gruen & @chandlerjdean.bsky.social in @pointsincase.com - Dan Caprera in @weeklyhumorist.bsky.social And a meet-up on 9/3!

Lineups go crazy for the August abolish tapings just FYI

You can watch @lukasarnold.bsky.social abolish the English language RIGHT NOW on YouTube!

Oh! Today is the one month anniversary of Positive Reinforcement premiering on YouTube! I really appreciate everyone who has watched and spread the word! If you've been meaning to check it out...why not give it a watch now?

Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater, sure. But also: don’t throw out the bathwater. There’s a drain

Tonight! 8 tix left for 7 PM, 10 tix left for 10 PM!