When did you “lock in?” I feel like I started paying attention in ~2007

Nebula now offers free trials which means you can watch Season 1 of Abolish Everything! RIGHT NOW for zero dollars. Abolish your weekend plans!

Ur welcome

My friends, we have abolished, Andrew Cuomo

SUCK IT BILL ACKMAN WE’RE MAKIN’ MAPS IN THIS MF!!!

This Thanksgiving gather your whole family around the tv to watch our movie about a guy trying not to puke

10 tix left!

Tix for the Abolish Everything S2 Finale taping go live on @caveatnyc.bsky.social’s website at NOON TODAY!

*Irish Hailey Welch* hawk of the mornin’ tuah

Who could be on that 10pm show? Perhaps if you’re in NYC you should snag a ticket to see who’s forced to be behind that lectern 😘

Folks! Tix were just made available for the October tapings of Abolish Everything! on @nebula.tv and over half of them are already gone. Don’t miss the ridiculously stacked lineup of our 7 PM taping OR our very special ABOLISH REDEMPTION taping at 10 PM which will feature some familiar faces…

If you’re looking for a video service that DOESN’T allow hate speech and misinformation, come on down to nebula dot tv and tell them Dave sent you

In my opinion W should be “wouble-you”

Every line of this reads like

Periodic reminder that we at @mcsweeneys.net ’s have no writing staff (save for the great @shadesofgreaves.bsky.social), and rely on unsolicited submissions for our humor & satire. We respond to each every submission within 7.39 days (but usually much sooner). www.mcsweeneys.net/pages/guidel...

Trump’s Epstein doodle is a bit of a Rorschach test, if there was a Rorschach test that was just the phrase “I AM A PEDOPHILE”

Spinoff of Emily in Paris called “Gwen in Rome.” If I had gone to a better college I would know someone who would pay me millions to write this

Why was 6 gagged at 7? Because 7 8…………

Please be seated for The Dinner Plan.

As soon as I get back from Japan I’m gonna be saying stuff like “in Japanese culture, it is seen as VERY disrespectful to be rude to someone”

he clocked her tea……….

This month’s run of Abolish tapings starts TOMORROW! Late Thursday show has 4 tix left! Join the radical movement!

If you’ve been thinking about coming to an Abolish Everything! taping, we’ve got FOUR this Thursday and Friday @caveatnyc.bsky.social ! Early shows are sold out but the late shows still have some tix and the lineups are incredible. Don’t miss your chance! www.caveat.nyc/events/aboli...

Delta flight attendant just referred to their Wi-Fi as “fast and free……”

Considering one of my famous “subtle bits” where I always call the national anthem “America’s theme song” and see how long it takes for anyone to notice

are you team big light or team ambient light?

Patrick Willems as an abolitionist and Lily Du as part of the establishment, hell yes let's go

Thursday 7 PM taping is now sold out but the others still have some tix left! www.caveat.nyc/events/aboli...

In last week's Newsletter, @lukevburns.bsky.social and I shared funny work by: - @colincornaby.me - Bobbie Armstrong & @madelinegoetz.bsky.social in @mcsweeneys.net - Sarah Gruen & @chandlerjdean.bsky.social in @pointsincase.com - Dan Caprera in @weeklyhumorist.bsky.social And a meet-up on 9/3!

Lineups go crazy for the August abolish tapings just FYI

You can watch @lukasarnold.bsky.social abolish the English language RIGHT NOW on YouTube!

Oh! Today is the one month anniversary of Positive Reinforcement premiering on YouTube! I really appreciate everyone who has watched and spread the word! If you've been meaning to check it out...why not give it a watch now?

Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater, sure. But also: don’t throw out the bathwater. There’s a drain

Tonight! 8 tix left for 7 PM, 10 tix left for 10 PM!

important video of me defeating alcoholics

This one has broken the Abolish Everything! record for making the least people mad.

new york’s hottest club is the abolish everything season 2 premiere taping (not a lot of this left tho so u should move quick)

There are only a handful of tickets left for Friday’s Abolish Everything! taping.

TOMORROW!

FRIDAY!

Amy and I are here to remind you that Season 2 of Abolish Everything on @nebula.tv starts taping THIS FRIDAY @caveatnyc.bsky.social and tix are avail here, for now: www.caveat.nyc/events/aboli...

These tapings are ONE WEEK AWAY and early bird ticket discount disappears tonight. Grab while you can!

Getting an early 2000s Motorola Razr and calling it a “Benson Boone phone”

jet lag girls 💕

Tickets are up for our Season 2 premiere tapings of Abolish Everything! at @caveatnyc.bsky.social! Complete with these illustrious lineups! Grab your tix before they sell out, which they will very quickly! www.caveat.nyc/events/aboli...

Another full-length banger of an Abolish Everything! set, free for you on YouTube thanks to Nebula’s glorious generosity…

Thank you Fordham Magazine for the feature on Abolish Everything! on @nebula.tv! When St. Ignatius said “go forth and set the world on fire,” I think this is exactly what that mf meant

Anyone who knows anything about standup knows Josh is one of the greats—I can’t wait to watch his special and you should too!!!

In my latest for @mcsweeneys.net I write about that most universal American pastime: failing to watch baseball.

My friends, we have abolished, Andrew Cuomo