I was carrying a walker and pushing a wheelchair and someone asked, “Have you got this or do you need help?” and I said, “I don’t got this, but it’s okay.” That might be my motto. Or epitaph?

The greatest ancestors are the ones who were like, “I wonder if you crack this open if there’s something edible in there.”

Oh my god this fountain is the landmark for how we found each other at all the Prides before cell phones. I’ve felt adrift.

Jesus Manuel Arenas-Silva, 45, is the 22nd person to die in ICE custody this year alone. At least 52 people have died in ICE custody since Trump returned to office — an all-time high. Everyone who carried out this reign of terror must face consequences.

Honey and Rye Bakery has converted its Bakehouse retail space into a Swedish candy shop. mspmag.com/eat-and-drin...

I assume this is another one of his misunderstandings and he thinks a "heat dome" is decorative. Better test that cognition one more time....

It’s like they say: “The Lord works in mysterious ways unless it’s more convenient to be a bigot.”

Another killing by ICE, this time in Maine. That’s twice in one week. How can America keep asking immigrant workers to work as usual if they are being shot dead on their way to work? Stop killing us.

if you shared this photo at any point, please consider a donation to bernita and her family: www.gofundme.com/f/support-be...

The ICE agents who shot and killed a 26-year-old father in Biddeford, Maine, were searching for a different person, per DHS Sec. Markwayne Mullin. The man they shot was authorized to work in the United States and had been issued a Social Security number.

Hey guys meta announced a new policy where they send a killer to get you so be sure to go to settings>my account > killer> disable killer to turn that off

Yesterday I saw a guy on the bus take a big sip of whiskey and then Dr Pepper like his mouth was a highball glass. More power to you, face bartender.

Babies who don’t get the vitamin K shot are 81x more likely to develop a type of uncontrollable bleeding than those who do. But no federal or state agencies track refusal rates or subsequent bleeding. Following ProPublica’s report, two lawmakers are demanding CDC action.

I love taking online Spanish classes and the Sunday morning teacher is so great, but two of other students were so annoying I almost faked a power outage.

I’ve declared a peacetime emergency and mobilized the National Guard to assist with wildfire response in northern Minnesota. Minnesotans extend our deepest gratitude to all of the first responders working around the clock to keep their neighbors safe.

This headline is such a solid burn on that flowershop lady that I’m still laughing a day later.

Just laughed remembering a joke from an old Letterman Top Ten list, “Top Ten BigFoot Pet Peeves”: “Driver’s license photo makes him look like Gregg Allman”.

I miss when I could walk down the street to a weird store and buy an unlocked cel phone, but ebay is a valid simulation of the experience.

ICE claims that Araujo drove into one of their SUVs with his van and then tried to run over an agent. There were no marks on the van and KHOU11's Jeremy Rogalski found surveillance footage showing ICE chasing Araujo and cutting him off. Renee Good all over again.

As of today the " Palm Beach International Airport" has been renamed to the "President Donald J. Trump International Airport". That's better than a presidential library, it's just the Skymall magazine.

The Allina Health automated phone menu says “Pera español…” instead of “Para español…” and I can’t stop thinking of a pear dressed like Chiquita Banana.

ICE fatally shot Lorenzo Salgado Araujo during a Houston enforcement operation. His family says he was a hardworking father on his way to work. This is a deadly pattern at DHS: no transparency, no oversight, no accountability. We demand an independent investigation.

Good news, everyone, Jill Bernard in Georgia got her checks delivery confirmation via the email address her bank assumed she had? Anyway, she seems nice.

SUPER MARIO 2026 JUST DROPPED!

Everything is terrible but I just learned that the Irish/Gaelic word for ladybug, Boin De, translates as “God’s little cow”.

Mitch McConnell would have loved these shenanigans. This is exactly how he would want to go.

Philando Castile was killed 10 years ago today during a traffic stop by St Anthony PD officer Jeronimo Yanez. He was legally armed, informed the officer, complied fully, and was shot in front of his girlfriend and her daughter in the car. Philando was 32 years old. Black Lives Matter.

It’s been six months since the killings of Renee Good and Alex Pretti. Here is how the federal government has stonewalled investigations, and how Minnesota law enforcement is attempting to push for accountability anyway

This is the best fireworks display on planet Earth. Astronaut Sophie Adenot filmed a stunning timelapse video of an aurora from the International Space Station earlier this week.

Yesterday I saw a man riding a bicycle built for two by himself and I hope he knows.

I don't see how you can say that when they invented second breakfast

🎶Baby you’re a firework🎶 🎶You scare veterans and dogs🎶

Ambulances are now being sent to Delaney Hall where there is no AC and people are being confined during record heat. This was completely avoidable. People in this administration and Geo Group need to be held accountable.

The beach was packed and that feels like fourth of July to me: just people hanging out, having fun escaping the heat, being alive.

Earlier today I saw someone on the Bryant Ave bike path with a cool bike and a Spuds McKenzie dog wearing goggles, and the dog looked at me. I feel blessed.

Make sure to leave a hot dog out tonight, or Lincoln won’t leave you any presents

when I get to heaven I hope they take Apple Pay

My dad was complaining that his apartment is 68°. I said PUT ON A SWEATER!!! Revenge, it turns out, is a dish best served at 68°.

Last year ICE said a man tried to murder a female ICE officer while she was trying to arrest him. They swore under oath he grabbed her by the neck and tried to choke her to death. He was even indicted for attempted murder. Problem is, it never happened! Bystander video unraveled the lie.

He’s about to summertime William Henry Harrison it.

“we stand with our community. we stand with the minnesota 15,” says this pickle outside the federal courthouse in downtown minneapolis

CARTOON VILLAINS I TELL YOU

Reminder to submit your shows at www.twincitiesimprov.com If you don’t see the green submit button, turn your phone sideways! tockify.com/twincitiesim...

The neighbors moved out and I didn’t get to wave to their baby one more time.

Happy Pride from Costco — Ice Cream for Bears

You know you’re a lifelong comedy nerd when you hear “Stayin’ Alive” in an NYC diner and think of “Airplane” before“Saturday Night Fever”.

Oh no, there’s a crew refinishing the bottom of the Bryant Square Park wading pool too!

Tonight I saw a mouse get stuck with its butt hanging out of hole in a tree stump Winnie-the-Pooh style and I tried not to look because that embarrassing shit would for sure happen to me if I was a mouse.

A study on COVID-19 vaccine effectiveness has been published after being blocked from a government health journal.

At minute 87 of the Colombia/ Congo DR game I got a YouTube ad for the 988 mental health hotline…