“Right, what did I say about Dracula not having weapons” and other fun sayings as the parent of a small boy

One of the cats is on crate rest for six weeks with a broken pelvis. It’s been two days and he’s just protested by throwing all the litter out of the tray and around the crate.

NICK MY BEAUTIFUL BOY DONT SACRIFICE YOURSELF #CelebrityTraitors

Joe is right but also annoying and I would like him to be crushed by a falling chess piece #celebritytraitors

Feel like Mark wanted to spit at them as he left #celebritytraitors

100% Mark then

Evergreen tweet #celebritytraitors

Asked O what Halloween decorations we should put up and he said “what about a big picture of your face, that’ll scare everyone off”. Beast child.

A jury of my peers? TWELVE murderers?!

Everywhere outside out of cosy bed

… you know what, keep the food box

Louvre robbery. French police release image of suspect.

Alan Carr is so consistently funny in this show. #TheCelebrityTraitors

Tom Daley just posted this on TikTok #CelebrityTraitors

SHUT UP CLARE BALDING

Celia pretending she’s snooping to cover the fact she’s just farting and leaving the room #celebritytraitors

K is close to getting a clip round the ear every time Charlotte is on screen #celebritytraitors

the way Tom Daley is GUNNING for Kate Garraway is so fucking funny 💀 this show is delivering everything it had to and so much more. #CelebrityTraitors

I canʼt wait for the twist that Nick Mohammed is Celia Imrieʼs secret son #CelebrityTraitors

ALAN STOP LAUGHING

"There's something fishy about Ruth Codd" me everyday at the roundtable, if I were one of the celebrities #CelebrityTraitors

they've not just killed Paloma, Jonathan seems to have mowed down 35 mongeese for this... ensemble? #CelebrityTraitors

Alan attempting to manipulate the conversation and completely failing. What an icon. #celebritytraitors

Please Paloma Please Paloma Please Paloma #celebritytraitors

Shouting “just let Nick do it” at all the puzzles #celebritytraitors

Jonathon, “I’m glad it’s you Cat because you are calm” Alan

Alan #celebritytraitors

I could totally rock a cape #traitors

Started a meeting today by saying “oh I’ve unplugged my laptop instead of my hair straighteners” if anyone wants to hire me for a careers talk

We’re having new windows put in (yay) and O says that once the windows are done “the next step should be to furnish this house properly” alright Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen

I like to play video games to experience magical points of view ill never get in real life

@sarahvanpelt.bsky.social arf at pork highway

“You can pop some strawberries on with the waffles if you like, mum” yes your highness

I see my mother is writing to the guardian @kevintj.bsky.social

That’s it Sainsburys, you tell him!

K has just asked me to look for a new wallet, says he’d quite like “another Tom Baker one”

Not saying the first day back at work was a a shock to the system but I’m already in bed

Sneaking back to bed with coffee and book ruined by a cry of “mum, you know in Minecraft….”

O has just said “it’ll be weird not going to the bar every day, won’t it mum”, so good to know he’s remembered the key parts of the holiday

We’ve reached the stage of the holiday where I’m quitting work and the uk to live on the beach and teach yoga.

i don’t like the idea of the president missing. he could be anywhere. i am suddenly aware how little i appreciated opening my shower curtain knowing the president would not be standing there

Created a shared family packing list for the holiday and Oscar just deleted “toothpaste” off it

The shit I have to put up with

Every day my joints are shocked and disgusted that I would use them for their intended purpose.

Stop scrolling and post two characters who bring you joy and happiness.