Man Likes Woman So Much He Marries Her https://theonion.com/man-likes-woman-so-much-he-marries-her-1819569538/

The older I get, the more my politics mature from childish, naïve beliefs like "the world is complicated and leaders have to make hard decisions" to more serious, adult principles like "hurting people is bad and helping people is good."

Mistletoe Held Above Meatball Sub

Women be Sloppin

Willy Wonka definitely had sex with at least a dozen of the oompa loompas

Crocodiles are Tops and Alligators are Bottoms.

I'd bet any money I owned that Meriwether Lewis was into feet. Just feels like that kinda guy

Changing my dream job to an AI because I want nothing more than to spread misinformation and make bad art 24/7

The Dutch rip the hell out of Donald Trump and Disney for the ridiculous Jimmy Kimmel firing. This is what you call Free Speech, Trump.

no you don’t get it. free speech is totally fine as long as it’s talking about killing homeless people

I wanna sleep on a big ol plate of noodles

Wario would make a fun pope NGL

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

"hey come on in, you guys are actually the first to arrive"

Sorry kids, no christmas this year. yea santa was on To Catch a Predator. Yea he's in jail now. Shouldn't've been watching all those kids.

There are 2 types of fedoras: Fedora for Goon Fedora for Gooner Follow me for more fashion tips

Airbud but its a legal drama: theres no law that says a dog can't be tried as an Adult

yea yea sex may be cool but can sex run DOOM?

Trapazoidiac Killer

be nice today. just today. you can be extra evil tomorrow.

Lonely one headed hydra: Please just cut my head off i just want someone to talk to please can you just do that for me I'm really desperate

Wallace every 4 seconds

Little known fact that Weird Al retired from music to fulfill his true dream of becoming a cryptid. Just shows up sometimes and does something and then dissappears into The Mist from whence he arrived.

you have my vote, Andrew Cuomo!

Amish Horse-and-Buggy but instead of a horse its one of the horse girls from the horse girl game

scooby in a haunted volcano:

just ate a hooker

Do Greta Thunbergs parents go with her to events and stuff, or did she just get sent out at the age of 12 like a pokemon trainer?

Since wild animals can't marry, all animals are bastards. Please feel free to call them such, they don't have feelings

Why are vampires acting so cool all the time? Like, dude, you have 400 weaknesses. You ain't as cool as you think you are.

When they do a live action remake of the Civil War, I wanna play the part of Rosa Parks

Too many children, too little time

you know there's a lot of problems with AI but one is setting unrealistic body standards. I mean I'm never gonna have 7 fingers per hand

Inside of you there are 2 wolves. One of them is a sex offender.

mark your colanders!

Happy 4th of Whatever

I do a magical girl transformation dance that takes like 2 minutes and when its done the only difference is I have a gun and I shoot you without hesitation

I don't need pockets I just stuff my wallet and keys and phone and stuff into my cheeks like a chipmunk transporting acorns to store for winter.

Imagine being a doctor who can cure blind people, but you're so ugly that they just want to be blind again. Wouldn't that be fucked up? It would, wouldn't it? I bet it would.

Sharing this here to get the word farther

Cleveland Brown from Family Guy

Middle Labia

Can't believe I cant human traffick. Because woke.

Politics aside, if everyone started calling trump "daddy," would he be mad or into it?

dad (looking out the window at the apocalypse): really comin down out there

Tony Hawk's Amateur Skater

We need to bring back game shows where if you lose, the floor opens out from under you, swallowing you, and taking you into pitch black darkness never to be seen again.

On the outside im very happy but in the inside im a skeleton