Im on a first name basis with Al

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares https://theonion.com/report-nobody-fucking-cares-1819578909/

Frankenstein's Monster as a doctor: we're gonna need to amputate your arm Me: Why? Frankenstein's Monster (detaching his own arm): I want it

Guy who really wants this witch to turn him into a toad: Man you got so many warts. Stupid. And you can uhhh jump. Idiot

HOT SINGLE WITCHES in your AREA looking to CAST HEXES

Reality Show Idea: Survivor but everyones a member of the same polycule and the 2 people at the end k*ss.

Prince Andrew’s arrest

Pam Bondi Thought That Went Pretty Well

New Sydney Sweeney Lingerie Line Will Accommodate Sizes Humungo Through Awooga

I can't believe The Man in the Yellow Hat is in the epstien files

“It’s been months since we started, and I still haven’t seen one worker get impaled by rebar or have his head smashed in by falling rubble,” said President Donald Trump

*Interrupts your magical girl transformation by dumping a bucket of ice water on you*

this format is how 75% of Americans now get their news

Health Speculations Swirl As Trump Seen With Damage Numbers Above Head

Man Likes Woman So Much He Marries Her https://theonion.com/man-likes-woman-so-much-he-marries-her-1819569538/

The older I get, the more my politics mature from childish, naïve beliefs like "the world is complicated and leaders have to make hard decisions" to more serious, adult principles like "hurting people is bad and helping people is good."

Mistletoe Held Above Meatball Sub

Women be Sloppin

Willy Wonka definitely had sex with at least a dozen of the oompa loompas

Crocodiles are Tops and Alligators are Bottoms.

I'd bet any money I owned that Meriwether Lewis was into feet. Just feels like that kinda guy

Changing my dream job to an AI because I want nothing more than to spread misinformation and make bad art 24/7

The Dutch rip the hell out of Donald Trump and Disney for the ridiculous Jimmy Kimmel firing. This is what you call Free Speech, Trump.

no you don’t get it. free speech is totally fine as long as it’s talking about killing homeless people

I wanna sleep on a big ol plate of noodles

Wario would make a fun pope NGL

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

"hey come on in, you guys are actually the first to arrive"

Sorry kids, no christmas this year. yea santa was on To Catch a Predator. Yea he's in jail now. Shouldn't've been watching all those kids.

There are 2 types of fedoras: Fedora for Goon Fedora for Gooner Follow me for more fashion tips

Airbud but its a legal drama: theres no law that says a dog can't be tried as an Adult

yea yea sex may be cool but can sex run DOOM?

Trapazoidiac Killer

be nice today. just today. you can be extra evil tomorrow.

Lonely one headed hydra: Please just cut my head off i just want someone to talk to please can you just do that for me I'm really desperate

Wallace every 4 seconds

Little known fact that Weird Al retired from music to fulfill his true dream of becoming a cryptid. Just shows up sometimes and does something and then dissappears into The Mist from whence he arrived.

you have my vote, Andrew Cuomo!

Amish Horse-and-Buggy but instead of a horse its one of the horse girls from the horse girl game

scooby in a haunted volcano:

just ate a hooker

Do Greta Thunbergs parents go with her to events and stuff, or did she just get sent out at the age of 12 like a pokemon trainer?

Since wild animals can't marry, all animals are bastards. Please feel free to call them such, they don't have feelings

Why are vampires acting so cool all the time? Like, dude, you have 400 weaknesses. You ain't as cool as you think you are.

When they do a live action remake of the Civil War, I wanna play the part of Rosa Parks

Too many children, too little time

you know there's a lot of problems with AI but one is setting unrealistic body standards. I mean I'm never gonna have 7 fingers per hand

Inside of you there are 2 wolves. One of them is a sex offender.