I hit you with a “wakey wakey“ text at 4:54am. The notification rouses you from your slumber. This is a test that will determine the course of our relationship- you have a lot on the line but me? I have nothing to lose

You say you always lose yourself in relationships but you’re kind of a dick so isn’t that…….good?

My neighbor told me I could pick as many of these blueberries as I’d like, can’t wait to try them

Had Thanksgiving with a group of my mom’s friends and was worried about not having anything to talk about with them. Luckily they brought up UFOs and ghosts and time travel all on their own without any prompts from me.

Ever been so full of gratitude you fuck up the biggest bird you can find

Just checked the 2026 calendar, my birthday is going to be on the 14th again???

The age difference has always been a little weird but I can’t help it I just love my mom

Just got a haircut that will ensure that whoever falls in love with me will truly love me for who I am

Someone’s gotta say it- scallions should be a more badass food

Sometimes I get bummed when I’m not invited to things but then I’ll think about it and damn they were right, I definitely would have killed that vibe

I believe that the technology to text our dogs exists and is being withheld

[my 36 year old ass] hey mom it’s me again, just calling to ask if I should date a 28 year old? Okay love you call me back

Anytime someone has said “she ate” the she was me and the ate was a chicken leg

Honestly I am exactly the kind of girl who gives up just like that

Why everyone is honking at me is none of my business

Idk you guys, I just used a food processor and I think we’re being a little too trusting of our kitchen appliances

Anyone else thinking about how we as humans produced like 16 billion pairs of skinny jeans and then someone was like we shouldn’t wear those any more

Now what’s a blueberry like you doing on a sidewalk like this

While in Peru I saw this caterpillar that really said 🐛

Closing my eyes and hoping for the best at every four way stop

I saw a bright light and awoke in a sterile white room. i couldn't move. an un-marmot figure hovered above me manipulating my body with strange devices. i swear i'm not making this up. it happened.

Introducing myself as an ethical monogamist to ethical non monogamists just to see how it goes

You arrive at the coffee shop, 7:30am on the dot as the mysterious note you found on your bedside table instructed. To complete the final task you call out “Boobert? Is there a Boobert here?” Everyone’s eyes shift to you and in perfect unison they all say “yes”

Going to the bathroom. Not to pee just to be.

WARDEN: and for your last meal? ME: everlasting gobstopper WARDEN: son of a

I’ll give you a dollar if you name your kid lewferd

[mid sob] thanks for coming to my ted tak

Please excuse me while I experience this emotion

I’ll let you guys have a great day

Did u buy a blue car bc ur sad?

Doctor please, my homies, they’re sick

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

You arrive at the coffee shop, 7:30am on the dot as the mysterious note you found on your bedside table instructed. To complete the final task you call out “Boobert? Is there a Boobert here?” Everyone’s eyes shift to you and in perfect unison they all say “yes”

Why everyone is honking at me is none of my business

[listening to a love song] this can’t be right

My favorite thing about the common refrigerated egg is if you leave it out it gets condensation. There’s just something about a wet egg

just for once it would be nice if i could meditate on the summit of a mountain without falcons nesting on my shoulders while an art class paints my portrait

If anyone has a good recipe for a good recipe that I can use for my recipe please let me in

It’s always wednesday never howsday

People will believe anything, I told someone I just met that I spent fourteen years at sea studying law and they were like oh nice

My kink is being adored

Pringle’s schnapps

Armchair diagnosing my cat as a full blown narcissist

Least favorite thing about breakups is having to care about whether or not I’m hot again

Anytime a song is like “i made my baby cry” I’m like well here’s the thing about babies

Bro never seen a bitch punctual as me

Why is everyone so cute?

If my boyfriend and I are fighting I’ll reach into the stash of selfies I took at harbor freight with their power tools that one time and tag him in a post that says shit like “best quality tools around” and “Milwaukee doesn’t compare” and it makes everything worse but I feel better

The vulnerable act of having an idea

Normalize hats at the gym, my hair sucks sometimes