Doctor please, my homies, they’re sick

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

You arrive at the coffee shop, 7:30am on the dot as the mysterious note you found on your bedside table instructed. To complete the final task you call out “Boobert? Is there a Boobert here?” Everyone’s eyes shift to you and in perfect unison they all say “yes”

Why everyone is honking at me is none of my business

[listening to a love song] this can’t be right

My favorite thing about the common refrigerated egg is if you leave it out it gets condensation. There’s just something about a wet egg

just for once it would be nice if i could meditate on the summit of a mountain without falcons nesting on my shoulders while an art class paints my portrait

If anyone has a good recipe for a good recipe that I can use for my recipe please let me in

It’s always wednesday never howsday

People will believe anything, I told someone I just met that I spent fourteen years at sea studying law and they were like oh nice

My kink is being adored

Pringle’s schnapps

Armchair diagnosing my cat as a full blown narcissist

Least favorite thing about breakups is having to care about whether or not I’m hot again

Anytime a song is like “i made my baby cry” I’m like well here’s the thing about babies

Bro never seen a bitch punctual as me

Why is everyone so cute?

If my boyfriend and I are fighting I’ll reach into the stash of selfies I took at harbor freight with their power tools that one time and tag him in a post that says shit like “best quality tools around” and “Milwaukee doesn’t compare” and it makes everything worse but I feel better

The vulnerable act of having an idea

Normalize hats at the gym, my hair sucks sometimes

Thinking about that one time someone told me Beck was a Scientologist and I didn’t know what that meant so I was just like “oh that’s cool” and they were like not really, Scientology is fucked up and I doubled down and was idk, people should be allowed to be into whatever, leave Beck alone

Literally getting my iud removed on 6/9 @ 4:20 lmao

Thinking about an ex as just another member of the local community is the final stage of healing

I use the word “comfy” in a professional setting on a daily basis, no man can tame me

When I get asked what my favorite song is I just say what ever shitty Beatles song comes to mind. I’m saying that Baby You’re a Rich Man is the greatest song of all time and your response will tell me everything I need to know about you

you tellin me a long grain of rice made this grain of rice so long

Here is a true statement that I, personally, never saw coming: my super sweet boyfriend made me a garden box for my birthday

Do I love this or am I just sad please advise

Aren’t all moms single moms? Are there moms that are two moms?

Mames Jercer

I feel like we all asked him to mackle less and..he did?

The first known skin care routine in human history was a popular trend called dying at 42

I have done extensive research on how to love yourself while pmsing and my findings, they are troubling

jesus christ just tell us if it’s maybelline

Going to canada and referring to Tim Hortons as timmy ho ho’s

That song really said “when the tonguing is done”

BRYAN ADAMS: let me tell you about the time I got my first real six string ME: where? BA: at the five and dime M: a store that only sold items that cost nickels and dimes BA: played until my fingers bled M: shredding on your Fisher-Price guitar BA: was the summer of 69 M: you weren't even 10 yet

Have we given up on the evolution of music? We used to compose symphonies, rock operas, now we have shit like some dude talk-shouting “I wanna get dim sum with my friends” over a shitty beat?

A funeral director wearing a beret who insists on being called a "funeral auteur."

When I cook hot dogs I like to say "I'm giving the dogs a bath." My wife & I are separated

staying informed by googling “how did it go today”

People taking your cats on leashes, they just want a damn nap

You’re never too old to pick up a new hobby. Me for example, I’m 35 and I just started smoking

Looks like this single use plastic bag is starting to turn into a triple use plastic bag

I take a multivitamin every day and this [gesturing toward my sorrow] is the thanks I get

having brown and red couch pillows is the most threatening vibe I can think of

Dumb Bitch On Board

You may have slaughtered my family, but I shall defeat you in the marketplace of ideas

Asking the dj to play Take on Me in the key of e sharp minor

25 days into Beef Broth Sippy Cup January and it feels like I’m the only one still doing this bros