The karmic beauty and torment of Swanboy Dandolos is that he's what you deserve, which is why Rona gets a steadfast friend, Cassie an earnest yet low-pressure fuckboy, and for Noel, Juggalo Bugs Bunny

u completely forgot that my biofam was visiting this weekend.

Starting to see signs of autism in my kid so I asked my foreman(whose son is on the spectrum) about it and he was so apprehensive and quibbling until I said "I'm her dad so it'd be weird if she's not"

Was talking about a local venue with a coworker from my area and he said "Yeah, there's no good restaurants by us" and I was agog. I instantly knew he was conservative because holy shit I have a hard time finding BAD places to eat

Chuck Pahlaniuk wrote a short story where Nirvana is discovered on Mars and we immediately set about killing everyone on Earth to loophole ourselves into it and it's so fucking sad that He was the most prescient author of that generation

OT started at work and everyone in work trailer was crowing about how big their paychecks would be thanks to "no taxes on overtime" Thanks to me and the burden of knowledge, now everyone is pissed that it's actually an end of year tax deduction

Being a Dad is exhausting. I love being a Dad

OT Started which means as shoppie I have to explain to everyone that the "no tax on overtime" is still taken out of your checke only you "might" get it back as a refund a

This "Claude is conscious" tripe is exactly the same as Frito-Lay warning that Cheetos are "Dangerously cheesy"

*saying affirmations in the mirror* I am a big horse. I am a beautiful horse with powerful legs. I am fifteen hands tall. No one can catch me because of my powerful horse legs and wild nature. I have all the apples I want

First date with my wife was 16 years ago. We met on OKCupid and I thought "Wow! She likes Terry Pratchett? She must be cool!" and she thought "Wow! What an asshole! But he likes Terry Pratchett so I'll give him a shot"

I'm not a doctor, but I watched all of strip law in 36 hours and now my pulled groin is healed

When Tom Homan, Trump and other Republicans defend the masking of ICE agents, I can't help but think of Orson Welles announcing on his radio show his intention of identifying the South Carolina police officer who violently attacked and blinded the uniformed Black veteran Isaac Woodard in 1946.

One of the best feelings is spending an hour making extra-good curry rice and watching your family devour it

Being a parent is weird because you'll pick your kid up from a pizza party at the Y and she's crying and begging you not to take her home and you're just so happy she's so good at making friends

In my very white HS we had one kid who was Black. One day while he was at the gym a kid broke into his house and stole all his clothes and trophies. He had to go to school the next day in his work out clothes

A remake of It Follows but instead of people who've had sex all the characters are ICE agents

GM: Charisma check. Mamdani: [rolls natural 20] GM: that’s a d6 how did you Mamdani: [direct to camera] Did you know you can check out board games at your local public library? 😊

Over the past two weeks I've begun to realize that rich people only started funding chatbots once they could no longer email Jeffrey Epstein

So my kid is basically a carbon copy of Full House's Michelle Tanner Twins and someone recently taught her to mug at the camera and say "You got it, Dude!"

Roasted chickpeas, a packet of dal makhani from costck, tofu and some onions. Asked toddler if she was ready to try Daddy's STEW BEANS. She loved it. Kept demanding more tofu It was so damn easy

Oh, no, not the DOLLAR! That's the thing I have the least.

Looking at the weather and are we getting snowed in 3 weekends in a row?

My kid dug out her Yoto children's radio player and the first song on their station was Scissor Sisters. "Daddy, why are you laughing?"

Woke up on my day off unfortunately at 4am because of the career I chose and all I want to do is climb into my kid's bed and hold her until it feels like everything will be alright. But she deserves sleep more than I do so I'm watching vintage simpsons

Everything is fucking heavy right now but I've got a three year old and there's a generational snowstorm hitting us tomorrow so I bought local growlers for all my neighbors and invited the ones with kids over tomorrow for a snow day movie day with homemade pizza and Bloody Maries because what else?

Me: Woo! Sunday snowstorm! 3 Day weekend! Foreman: You want to work Saturday? Me: Yah, I can come in

Some lady told my wife that she feels so sorry for her because our daughter is "so much" and seriously what the fuck?

My local bar is currently hosting a company of Black revolutionary war re-enactors so I'm currently feeling patriotic as hell

Journeyman: You're making foreman rate right? Me: I'm shoppie, I can't be foreman J: Yeah, but he's gone and you're running 2 crews Me: I'm not sure that. Entire crew: DEMAND FOREMAN RATE

Took my kid and her friend to a Cat Film Festival thinking it would be goofy pet videos but then a movie about a Italian WWII survivor started talking about who would care for her 250 cats while she has open heart surgery and Oh Nooooo

This is stunning. Listen to this in Philadelphia. Thousands singing “Hey-Oh, we won’t be silent while our friends are gunned down.” Really listen to it.

Watching Eraserhead before having a child: my god what a harrowing vision of the fears of parenting realized Watching Eraserhead after having a child: Henry just pick the fucking baby up. Pick it up and walk it around. Jesus christ.

Watching the neighbors' kid while they catch a relatives show. My self-image that I'm a benevolent dirtbag, frivolous and goofy, is due for a reckoning. Apparently I'm what pops into peoples minds when they need a "Dad"

That’s not how you use it Godzilla

Darling, fetch me my bathing toaster won't you

Had the realization today that my toddler is very popular and so I and my are popular-by-proxy and that requires a whole skillset neither of us have ever used before

All the super conservative guys on my job are PISSED about Minneapolis/Venezuela/Greenland/Epstein. Feels like we're actually approaching an inflection point

Coworker: There are secret sex trafficking tunnels under Hollywood! 2 different survivors said so. That proves it! Me: *exhales* Let me tell you about the wonder known as "Bigfoot"

What did the elephant wear to the beach? A Zoo-kini!

Being a terrible influence and getting 2 other families to bring their gremlins to Buffalo Wild Wings for gameday and app-dinner

Anyone know why #WXPN 's Kids Corner site no longer plays audio? Kinda makes a radio page moot

Bar conspiracist: I was watching this video by an Amish farmer on tiktok- Me: Yeah, I'm gonna need to stop you there

Was doing crafts with kid's bestie and her dad and was just "Hey, as long as we're out you wanna go grocery shopping?" And damn if that isnt a way to make errands more enjoyable

One of the librarians referred to my child fondly as "The kid who is always here" and I am honestly flummoxed as to what other families do all day?

Chili Mac Stuffed Peppers

I don't understand why we're still arguing about how to pronounce Godot's name. When he gets here we'll ask him

Almost forgot that I bought pickled ginger on the hunch that it would be good for jumpstarting the goof's appetite after she gets a sour stomach It's a hit! I am the dumbest genius to ever live