Once the steroids and adrenaline wear off and they suddenly realize they might face consequences one day a LOT of ICE/militia guys will convince each other to kill themselves before "the mob" can get them The sad thing is a lot of them will take their families out with them

Foreman won't admit he's deaf. He vanished so we called him just as he was walking back in. He made up a whole fake conversation unaware he was talking to us as he was looking at us Unreal

My bio-mom has a travel puzzle board in her car. Can you imagine being stuck in traffic, looking over to the car in the next lane and there's a lady casually doing a jigsaw puzzle? I would immediately sell my car

greta ily what an outfit

I get to go camping next week with my kid, the in-laws, and my bio-fam. I am vibrating out of my skin with excitement

I know one way to find out, and that's asking a Lot

Did you hear donald trump died? No? Damn.... I'll check again tomorrow

New dad friend told me his kid LOVES Edward Scissorhands and I was just "That can't be good for 3 year olds" but we're halfway through and talking about kindness and how "nice-acting" people can be mean and I do not think she's noticed he has freaking knives for hands

I forgot that my friends now have grown-up money without ever having grown up and I might have led one of them into buying a life-size dinosaur statue

I KNEW the Eagles would pull off that ridiculous shit but it was still incredible to watch

Flu shot: woke up past noon for the first time in years. Family is at the tractor show. Ambled down to the bar for the Eagles game. Wife brings kid there for lunch and I chase her around the canal for an hour. Aside from the game a pretty perfect Sunday afternoon

Got the covid, flu, and TDAP shot yesterday. So after taking my kid to the harvest festival today I spent the afternoon watching all the anime on Criterion. Highly recommend... ....Fuck my arms hurt

One John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt tells only truths. The other John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt tells only lies. You may have but a single question. "Can I ask about the-" You may not ask about the names

Going back to the hell-site(jobsite) for the first time in 2 years and along with the slog of a commute and the ridiculous security theater I just found out it's a 6am start. And since I'm the replacement shoppie on a cleanroom job I strongly expect it'll be 8 hours of peeling stickers every day

Don't tell CPS but my toddler is dancing in my room singing Tom Waits

Morbid curiosity got the best of me and I checked the comments on a Reuters facebook post about CK and it's..... just 800+ mild remarks about he should have tried to be a better person? No crazed maga outrage or trolls Maybe there ARE a lot fewer of those chuds out there than we thought

KIM KITSURAGI - "What is it, detective? Can you make it out?" BULLET - "if you read this you are gay lmao" 1. "It, um, doesn't say anything." 2. "Transgender ideology. My old foe." 3. [Espirit de Corps - Medium 10] "I think you should read it for yourself, Kim."

24 years ago: Teacher: Dammit Harry! School's been open 5 days and you've been late each one! Harry: It's not my fault! We were watching TV in math and these planes crashed into the towers and- T: You don't even respect me enough to think of a believable excuse. Go to the principal's office!

Just watched a friend break up with her boyfriend because he was distraught about kirk "He's a youtube guy. You didn't know him. You weren't this upset when your dog died"

Fuck yeah!

Joint birthday with my SIL and my in-laws got me an actual fucking PS5. AS A JOKE. The joke being here's a Playstation you fucker. Then my sister-in-law unwrapped her torque wrench

The Mandrake the Magician Sunday strip from September 6, 1959.

A good cure for imposter syndrome in carpenters is to watch Carpentry Hacks videos on facebook and just think, "That's just geometry" Sorry Mr. Healy, guess I did use this stuff in real life

Woman at bar: So you "Love" your wife? Me: Yes, very much so. She and our 3 year old daughter that we have together, as a family Woman: But do you really love her Bartender who knows I'm too awkward to end a conversation: Yah, do you?

Toddler was attempting an unauthorized nap. I emptied coins on the floor and got her to count, stack and wrap them. We then went to the bank and exchanged them for bills, that we used at the grocery store to buy an eyeglass repair kit with which I showed her how to repair her favorite sunglasses

Finally getting into DanDaDan and made the critical mistake of watching the Acro-Silky origin episode while my daughter was in dance class. Hit me like a ton of bricks

Sesame Street just posted these on Facebook I almost woke my toddler laughing

took a toddler to a weekend wedding feeling like a jackass for doing so but it went great! Ladies were using her to test their +1's dad potential. Dudes who wanted to see the house's goats but felt weird about it eagerly lummoxed her over to the stable. My best friend watched Murderbot with her

Friends I hadn't seen in years were quoting all weekend a pre-show I wrote for Rocky Horror 20 years ago and I didn't realize how much I missed being creative.

My wife's family will call me up and ask - always nervously - if I can build/fix something in their houses for them and it's honestly a big reason why I love them more than my own folks. Yes fam, I'll happily repair the busted couch you bought on wayfair. I truly love doing that shit and I love you

At a wedding weekend and walk into a room of a dozen adults and my toddler watching TV Me: What is this....... Andor? Dude: way way off Me: ......Blazing Saddles? Dude: Murderbot Me:....... Me: Well fuck, guess I gotta watch too so I know how this messed her up

Being a parent is longing to bond with other adults and then when you get the chance 3 years in realizing my child is the only interesting thing about me

Treants: THOU MUSTN'T POACH IN THE KING'S WOOD Poacher: What're you, a copse?

Happy Birthday to me

*Trying to explain pronouns to my toddler as they spin around in circles* Child: I'm Diz/he

Wife took me to see Superman for my birthday and it was a blast! Just a timeless story about a boy and his (terrible)dog

Sang the toddler her nightly lullaby - Tom Waits' Coney Island Baby - and for the first time she started singing along with me

Kid got her first sting from a wasp yesterday. After a quick cry she took some deep breaths and asserted "The bee thought I was a flower" I am in awe of her

Trying to remember a weird fact about a friend from years ago's dad and the first to pages of his Google results are "Did Isaac kill his wife?" so how should I start this text to him?

Way back when she worked at the bargain bookstore Wife had a coworker who'd build domino displays out of the 300 Tom Clancy novels they got that week and like 80% of the time I'd hear her yell "FUCK! It turned into another swastika!" Lesson is don't try to make spirals out of square objects

Another dad taught me how to change my brake pads and I walked him through setting up his new projection screen. Only now realizing Dad Knowledge is not universal but we ARE a hive mind

Me and the kid's bestie's dad took them to the water park for the day BD: Everyone kept asking if they were twins Bestie Mom: Ha! Did they think you were gay dads? BD: I'm sure a few thought "Look at that cute couple!" Me: Aww, you think we're cute?

Experimental philosophy

I don't care if you know what this is, I don't care if you know who *I am,* I am directly asking you to repost this. I would like this to be Variety's highest-trafficked article this week, I am tired of hearing about Sidney Sweeney. Let's celebrate a good and funny thing that people worked hard on.

I honestly believe that if one of these world leaders would break kayfabe in one of their photo ops with him and just break down laughing, and mutter "You silly, little bitch" as they wipe a tear from their eye We'd see things get better real quick

*jumping out of the way in a crosswalk as a humvee stops inches from hitting us* Me: Yo! The Fuck, Jackass!? Short Serf: *Swinging open the door to start a fight* You wa- Toddler: RED LIGHT MEANS STOP! SS:*crawling back into car* you are absolutely right

Wife: Oh! My family is preparing you a birthday dinner. I know how you hate surprises Me: I've wanted a surprise party my entire life and I say so every year. I want to believe people think I exist when I'm not in the room with them

*Getting the winning raffle ticket at trivia after a month of no one getting the question correct* MC: What city does Garfield send Nermal to? Me: Oof.... Damn. I'm sorry to say I can't say the answer MC: Well better luck nex- Me: But I CAN sing the song ENTIRE BAR: dammit

Ticket was called to answer the $700 raffle question at trivia. "I am sorry that I cannot say the answer....... But I can Sing It!"