So I've been working for these chocolatiers for like, about a year now, and I gotta say, I might like it more than I like writing.

I haven't been over here in over a minute. I'm trying to follow everybody who followed me when I was gone but there are more than three of you and I'm becoming increasingly anxious that I might follow everybody except for one, making someone feel left out.

On Patreon! patreon.com/jennytrout One time, we actually read a book I liked. It's called Modelland. It's a masterpiece.

If you cross me I will put a spell on you that makes Ryan Murphy listen to your true crime podcast and steal Netflix limited series after limited series from you.

I think the part of Heretic that was the most scary for me was having to listen to a man talk about his opinions on God while Radiohead played in the background.

For no reason whatsoever, I am thinking about that scene in Chernobyl when the nuclear physicist reminds the government official that he used to be a shoe salesman.

I have a fucking INCREDIBLE handshake and then we had a fucking pandemic and now what is it good for?

One of the ways I save time in the mornings is I wait and do my makeup in the parking garage so my moisturizer has time to sink in on the drive. This way, I am only fifteen minutes late to work every day, as opposed to twenty-five minutes late.

What are you going to miss the most when we're starving to death? I think I'm going to miss food the most.

I don't want to watch but I feel like I need to in self defense.

Conservatives don't defend anything as hard as they defend billionaires.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, eating her curds and whey:

People vehemently believe that there are safety nets in place if you become disabled. That no matter what, you have all of your needs met. If you believe this, you’re in for a rude awakening if you ever become disabled.

sic semper motherfucking tyrannis

Please stop comparing RFK Jr.'s wellness camps to the Nazi eugenics program. The Nazis got their idea from the US. We were doing the eugenics program first. This isn't "just like them," it's "us, part 2."

It's only a Zamboni if it comes from the actual Zamboni brand. Otherwise, it's just a sparkling ice resurfacing machine.

I'm gonna just listen to this recording of droning bells while I smoke this joint. Inevitably, I will diagnose myself with tinnitus, having totally forgotten about the bell recording.

Personally, I would have thought that an anti-pedophile halftime show would be the most unifying thing possible. Weird how many of y’all are on the other side of the issue.

Going through a really old SD card. Me: Wait... Go back. Mr Jen: Is that... Me: Is that fucking Topol?! Mr Jen: When did we meet Topol?! It was, in fact, Topol. 2009 was apparently a wild year for us?

I fuckin miss eggs

Every once in a while, I suck my thumb just to make sure quitting sticks.

They're not "detaining" anyone at gitmo. It's going to be, "They were executed because they were criminals." There will be a lot of noise and outrage. When it's quickly buried under other noise and outrage, they'll start converting death centers on the mainland.

Seedless grapes, seedless watermelons. What they need to get on is seedless cherry tomatoes. We clearly have the technology.

Do you ever just look around and think about places where you could win a game of hide and seek?

Fuck book bans. Read about queer people doing filthy things and smoking pot. www.amazon.com/Brothers-Bil...

My favorite WoW character I played was a dwarf warrior who ran around in just his underwear with no weapons. I didn't do any quests. I leveled him up solely by punching small animals.

Here's a question: I blocked someone the moment I started this account. Like, before I even filled out my bio. I have people I preemptively block on every platform. Clearsky says this person blocked me a couple months ago. How could they see my profile to block me when they were blocked?

Somehow "Elon Musk Is a Genius" and "Elon Musk Doesn't Know How Hands Work" are being said by a lot of the same people

Hi @nytimes.com can you guess the meaning of the hand gesture I am making right now

I know people mean well by sharing that "your validity is not dictated by an executive order" post, but it's not about validity. No one needs anyone's permission to be "valid," but trans folks need legal protection, healthcare, and access to resources like healthcare.

So now we are all legally female

If birthright citizenship isn't a thing anymore, then my parents aren't citizens because their parents aren't citizens because their parents aren't citizens because so on and so on. What I'm saying is, fine. I will no longer be paying my taxes.

Sometimes you just get really hungry for cornflakes straight out of the box.

It's amazing to think that "dark chocolate" comprises 94% of all the chocolate in the universe, even though our standard chocolate sensors can't detect it at all.

What if after the Fablemere series wraps up on Patreon, I start posting an occasional chapter of the rewritten Blood Ties books? I want to get The Turning done this year.

The man can do no wrong.

When it comes to this TikTok/RedNote thing, I feel like the United States government just forgot that they're dealing with people from the United States. The thing that sets us apart from the rest of the world, for better or worse, is that you can't tell us what to do. We do what we want.

A $7,000,000 Sub is also the title of your sex tape

Can I stick my head above the parapet now and mention how that New Yorker article backs up every single accusation I've made against that publisher and editor and suddenly it's crickets from the people who called me a liar?

I have a box of 100 classic sci-fi book cover postcards and this is one

If any of you are in the Kalamazoo, MI area and you want to show your support for ASL interpretation and accessibility for Deaf/HOH people, might I suggest you come out and see the musical I'm directing? Friday night has shadow interpreting! www.kzoocst.com/dirty-rotten...

No one has better gaydar than middle school mean girls. They knew I was queer about twenty years before I did.

It says not poison and it's on the internet. I think it's safe

I have never been less convinced that I am not about to be poisoned.

I'll be staying off social media for a few days, as my son lives in Los Angeles and I cannot keep seeing fire stuff from here in Michigan where I cannot protect him.

god i wish denmark had nukes

Three years ago tonight, I should have had some bad feeling. Something that would have made me say, "Don't go to sleep. Go to the hospital." But I didn't have a premonition. Nothing uncanny occurred. And my best friend went to sleep and died.

Last year, I received an email about a suspicious Facebook login. I immediately went to Facebook to secure my account, only to find it had been terminated without any chance to appeal. The hackers had drained my bank accounts, spending thousands on Facebook ads and leaving me literally penniless. 1/

I wrote a silly romance with a billionaire, an age gap, a sex resort, a bear attack, and anal sex in a birthday cake. You can pre-order it. www.amazon.com/Brothers-Bil...