Little Susie’s pork roll hand pie is amazing, if you haven’t had it yet, go get it

Happy Valentine’s Day from the City of Brotherly Love, where I just found $40 on the ground. A lovely gift ❤️

As we go on, we remember All the times we had together And as our lives change, come whatever We will still be friends forever

Drink a bottle of wine at the byob and try not to die climbing over a snowbank challenge

Girlies only 🗣️ It’s Galentines Day AND Friday the 13th. The perfect alignment. Be your spookiest, craziest self. Scare a man. Babe, you’ve earned it. ❤️

I was just getting coffee in my kitchen, and I heard a bang on the window. I look over, and there’s a damn squirrel with a slice of pizza in its mouth crawling on the window Scared the shit out of me

I do it at Applebees all the time, you get used to it

They really gotta bulldoze the Ben Simmons/Castellanos mansion, it’s really not working out. Bad vibes or something not right going on there

I know what Casty did was unprofessional, but it was also very funny He could have at least cracked open a Yards Brawler or other Local Favorite ™️ though

Trying to go to the gym while my internal check engine and battery lights are on certainly was a choice

Female constituent here 🙋🏻‍♀️ Approving the use of whatever derogatory terms you want to use for her, like, please dig deep. All and any of the words you’ve wanted to say, now’s your chance!

Every day on this site is another day that this @dirtbagqueer.rocks post rings true

Booked a trip to Norway this summer, and I am so excited! It’s been on my list forever — the biggest thing I want to do is kayak on a fjord

I went to Knicks at Sixers one time, and it was a thoroughly gross experience that I do not wish to relive

As a frequent Amtrak Enjoyer ™️, I can tell ya I have never had to show my ID to board a train

Are we all just glossing over the fact that Savannah Guthrie’s mom didn’t pay for a subscription to Nest, and yet the FBI was able to access the footage or …

Me every day

I’m at max lib, guys, full pedal to the metal. That was so fucking cool. So joyful. God bless America* *every country in the Americas

I’m going to tell my friend’s kids that last part was the new theme to It’s A Small World

BAD BUNNY JUST WINKED AT ME YOU ALL SAW THAT RIGHT?

WHAT MOTHER IS HERE?!

Your racist uncle is very confused why he has a boner right now while simultaneously googling how to report an entire halftime show to ICE

Due to technical and licensing difficulties, the TPUSA halftime show will exclusively air on Kid Rock’s new app, “Mature For Her Age”

I’m ready

Only flag I stand for

Waiting for the Green Day performance reminds me how much of a banger “Jesus of Suburbia” is. Probably in top 5 favorite (alt) rock songs for me

Roger Goodell gave the thumbs up to Bad Bunny performing at the Super Bowl because the NFL knew the Republicans’ grasp of power was waning and limited by the Pedo-In-Chief staying alive. In this essay I will —

Sunday, approximately 8 PM. Bad Bunny invites special guest and collaborator Farruko on stage. The lights go down, the bass starts, projected spiders fill the walls of Levi’s stadium Jhoan Dúran enters and launches a 103 mph fastball at the Patriots mascot We are free

I mean this very sincerely, but I keep forgetting today is the Super Bowl — the only thing on my schedule today is the Bad Bunny concert

I think we need to consider whoever came up with the idea of charging for seat selection on airplane among the greatest monsters in human history, and I will see them in hell

Had a nice little (very) late birthday celebration with my family this afternoon — checked out that newish pizza place on Spring Garden, Cerveau, and had the French onion pizza, and mom brought a beautiful white chocolate raspberry cake from some bakery in Hatboro!

They saw me in the newspaper and thought to reach out 🥰

“Don’t worry, everyone, a deeply racist staffer has access to the social media account of one of the world’s most powerful men & is able to post freely. Though believable, it absolutely was not the documented deeply racist narcissistic & obsessive president. Everyone feel better now, we’re good?”

Paramore-militarized police forces

Sunday, approximately 8 PM. Bad Bunny invites special guest and collaborator Farruko on stage. The lights go down, the bass starts, projected spiders fill the walls of Levi’s stadium Jhoan Dúran enters and launches a 103 mph fastball at the Patriots mascot We are free

This is only seems exceptionally smart if you’re exceptionally stupid btw

Having myself a classic Low Serotonin Thursday ™️ (eating chicken nuggets in bed and watching food network slop)

I’m sorry, this is so fucking funny

Well this will do double duty now

This scene was meant for this occasion

Painting “Fuck Harris” on my nails in honor of our beautiful boy being sent to Oklahoma

Grabbing the other half of my hoagie which has now become my Emotional Support Hoagie

Just fell to my knees, JOSH HARRIS WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THE FILES

I think if we weren’t such a gun-happy country, I’d be hitting the “end call” button on these people

I think more men should go to national outlets with their photo to complain that they can’t get laid

West coast sixers are none of my business 🙅🏻‍♀️