exactly. the machine is forcibly regressing me to a recent liberal arts college grad who lives off bodega snacks and can’t do his taxes

Shazam for my own emotions

I'm just saying that if *I* thought maybe *I* would need one of these one day, I would say shit like this

I give you to permission to hate read [drumroll followed by THX sound] these nuts.

These are my jokes. Please don't laugh at them.

how long do you think they'd keep talking before realizing he's kicked it?

Gotta love the nothing-matters-to-existentialism pipeline

All Gas, No Ceilings

I don't know which House Minority Leader needs to hear this, but without a ceiling there is no floor. That's the ground, dumbass.

They're calling him the Nevillest Chamberlain of all time.

If you are on a plane or public transportation, you cannot be both very loud and very boring. You have to pick.

2 HONEY 2 CRISP

I quit smoking pot but I will never quit ducking out of family gatherings for unexplained reasons.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone hiding in a bathroom as long as possible to escape family who you can hear asking where you are.

Thanksgiving is such a weird holiday but y'know what there's probably only like 8 or 9 left so just have fun with it.

Call me an optimist, but I believe the real worst Star Wars movie is just now being born somewhere in America in the heart of some mediocre dork.

No offense, but your life is brief and inconsequential, everyone

I saw a screenshot of the Lizza thing and now I have pinkeye.

NYT: Trump's Calls To Execute Opponents Evokes Glamor Of A Bygone Berlin

Homan trafficking

"Oh Epstein's not a reliable narrator, maybe he's a world-historical scumbag trying to manipulate other dumb rich guys, so don't take the emails as the truth." Maybe believe men?

How innocent we all were when the worst our imaginations had been asked to conjure was the pee tape.

Do you think the Fall of Rome was this stupid too Like your average Roman citizen, waiting in line at the food cart, saying "can you believe this shit"

"Some voters are sickened to see Trump's name showing up in the Epstein files. But here at the Midwestern Pedophile Association's annual conference in Des Moines, few find it alarming, and some even say they finally feel 'seen.'"

Maybe that misinterprets this chart. Maybe what this chart is answering is, "Who is best on crime?" and people are really impressed with how well the GOP is doing crime.

Epstein: Just circling back to how Trump knows about my sex crimes. Maxwell: Yeah lol Summers: Does anyone want tickets to Wicked tonight I have extra Epstein: Wrong thread, Larry, this is for discussing my sex crimes Summers: ok does anyone want to see Wicked and do sex crimes?

why doesn't anyone like my clever little joke about the nauseating monstrosity

"What if the Epstein Files end up getting rid of tons of Democrats, too?" What if I found $100 on the street? What if I got a puppy? What if my friends and I won a free vacation? Let good things happen!

It's possible that the gene for pedophilia is also the gene for having confidence in terrible ideas.

This just reinforces my belief that people who are too diligent about emails can't be trusted.

How is it that super rich pedophiles are actually all friends with each other the way people imagine Hollywood stars are?

Upon being handed popular support, Dem leadership immediately panicked and threw it into the sea.

We're never going to convince future civilizations that this wasn't a style. "In the early 21st Century, American men painted the front of the face, creating a stylized cosmetic mask." No, it was just one guy! You gotta believe us!

POV: You had a bagel w/cream cheese and chocolate milk right before your 8:30 a.m. lecture

the look of a man who is constantly annoyed that dying people are interrupting his party

Hey great meeting you at the recent professional event, I was just wondering if you wanted to follow up and check in every few months until one of us dies

I wish I believed anything as much as the NYTimes believes they are one awful op-ed away from millions of conservative subscribers.

guys I’m sorry but have you looked through Getty images for yesterday 💀

Let's meet centrist pundits halfway by giving them vouchers to spend at the reeducation camp of their choice

mamdani's other victory is making so many overpaid Dem consultants look clueless

gotta say this whole business about ‘electing a muslim mayor is basically pissing on the graves of 9/11 victims’ is just…just shockingly racist stuff i mean what else is there to say about it

Breaking: ultra-rich New Yorkers threaten to ruin other housing markets instead

Can't wait to find out that Mike Johnson has never heard of New York, New Jersey, or Virginia

This officer is being subjected to a level of humiliation you normally need to pay a woman in leather for.

Dick Cheney dying is a good reminder to Millennials to start exercising now if you want to read about JD Vance one day.

LinkedIn is the most ominous social network. "18 people viewed your profile." Horrifying.

America has two main political gears: "pathologically pretending we've always been good" "outlawing the idea that good is possible"