You can't say for a fact yet that Taylor Swift is not hosting a thousand-person Mario Kart tournament.

Thrilled to announce I have been appointed Secretary of Corruption. It's a new office, very exciting, really just gonna streamline the whole thing.

Which enormous asshole of the day will earn my witty yet stinging rebuke

Anyway, trans rights are human rights, the Supreme Court is illegitimate, happy Pride, have a nice Tuesday.

I don't think people understand the degree to which outlets like The Atlantic and The New York Times set back trans rights with second-rate reporting that doesn't stand up now, let alone in the future. They have failed at the most basic journalistic duties.

Vegetable for lunch. I must live to see people try to lie about their Trump Era politics.

The Supreme Court today addressed one of the most pressing threats to the nation today: banning this high school sophomore from playing school sports with her friends 🫡🫠🙃

The Great American State Fair doesn't even make sense. It's in the District of Columbia and is clearly aspiring to be a national fair. This confusion is probably why no one showed up.

here's what the war means for the ceasefire

Hold on to your centers, me n the boys are widening the gyre this weekend

Are we sure the AI is wrong and not, like the book in Man In The High Castle, recounting events that took place in another reality

Everyone: that guy is a racist That guy: well then I guess I am a racist, now what? Everyone: ...now we're right?

If elected I will build a field of dreams with a big bug zapper and rid baseball of ghosts.

Why is it off-limits to talk about how Sam Alito sometimes unhooks his jaw to reveal a set of smaller jaws that leap out? If a liberal did that, people would go nuts.

Participation? In my Democratic Party?

People have always been shot for approaching the reflecting pool. It's ridiculous and evil to suggest otherwise.

I believe in my heart that somewhere in America, a guy who is "not political" but is obsessed with pool pH stuff is suddenly realizing this president fellow may not be on the level.

Breaking: New research suggests Soviet Union collapsed because they called each other "comrade" instead of "big dog."

I blame that first asshole who got curious about what was over the next ridge. Been all downhill since.

They should invent a donut.

Trump warns "one of these days, Iran" it will be "pow, bang, zoom," adding "right to the moon!"

Good news your retirement account went up slightly, giving the worst people in the world access to unimaginable power

my dog has been frightened but for an excellent reason

Are we really being asked to believe that a Z-list douche everyone hated when he was on TV ran as a Republican in a blue city and lost? Because actually that's very easy to buy.

Pretty hard not to link Trump throwing himself concerts and UFC fights and attending Game 3 with the fact that his birthday is in a week.

Being secretly dead is the ultimate NJ politician move imo.

putting a donation hat in front of the podium before presenting my scientific paper

I dunno if raising the dead for fun and profit is actually "controversial" for most people

Wow I can't believe the rapper named after Florida has baffling politics

BREAKING: The 2017 Hyundai Elantra whose alarm is going off in the parking lot has pulled out of the Freedom 250 concert.

Economics is fun because if you calculate it one way GDP per capita has never been better, but also GDP after rent and groceries is like $75 split 300 million ways

My dog really struggles with her self-image.

No matter how hard you post or what sites you do it in it’s never going to be 2019 again

The Terminator was originally conceived to unite humanity — with a name meant to evoke certainty.

White House says asteroid "has basically agreed" not to hit Earth

Fun little flash games that weren't stealing my data or getting kids to gamble. It's amazing how much more fun the web had when having a few Google ads actually supported weird little sites.

POV: ur a crumb

WSJ in two years: Why aren't young people buying enough space flights?

Can't wait to see how eating avocado toast gets blamed for this one.

One way American media has prepared us for American life is knowing that the final season will suck.

Huge for baseball bat manufacturers

Me, sobbing: I'm so fucking pathetic Audience, in unison: how fucking pathetic are you?

Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo! Ring a dong! hop along! Fal lal the willow! Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo!

All you had to do was pretty much everything different.

It's almost like a lifetime of assuring rich donors you will never be radical leaves you unprepared for radical moments.

Found a metaphor in the wild: a honeybee separated by a few millimeters of bakery glass from her wildest dreams

🎶 every-body 🎶 🎶 wants to 🎶 🎶 respect process 🎶

Today in weird coincidences: 1) the replacement rate they cite in this presser is for white Americans, not all Americans 2) 30.7% of Americans are white women

It's nuts how bad the discover tab is on this site. It's instantly like logging into your parent's Facebook.

"No, it's cool, my lawyers found a way to get us out of the social contract. What? No! Of course it still binds everyone else. Idiot."