20 years ago we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Steve Jobs. Now Google search doesn't work.

all the classy guys know that at classy restaurants you should have chatgpt order for your date

This “-maxxing” and “-mogging” stuff comes from an ugly place and has never been particularly funny. But what about if *I* adopt it, but ironically,

Makes sense that Allbirds is doing AI. Both look great to tech bros and like absolute dogshit to everyone else.

It is "reapplying Gold Bond" degrees out

A fun fact about me is that I am 75 feet tall.

It's a beautiful day. Gonna go complain outside.

If I was at Fox News I would be so mad right now! If a Democrat was in charge, they could have coasted for MONTHS on "President Unable To Recognize Jesus Christ"

It rules that within 24 hours, Trump has impugned the Pope’s credentials and also claimed not to recognize a picture of himself as Jesus. This dude’s brain is fully on shuffle, which is a perfect way for a president’s mind to be.

Fixating on the pope is a classic sign of sanity in older adults.

stop trying to make me like the pope I don't want to like the pope

Orban? More like "ur gone" 😎

Breaking: The White House has announced it will begin bombing US bases throughout the Middle East to prevent Iran from doing so.

What is the appeal of the ever-present "Sources say Donald Trump is FREAKING OUT in the Oval Office" genre of post? It's just raw fanfic.

I used to confuse Swalwell with other bro politicians. But now that he's been revealed as a predator, that's actually not going to help at all.

Everyone going somewhat insane is really complicating the effort to deal with the people who went all the way insane.

I could really go for a mysterious arrival of the Sea Peoples, heralding the end of our Age right now.

My "Jeffrey Epstein did not sell me to my husband shirt" is raising a lot of questions already answered by what the fuck how are we still doing this jesus christ

The completely normal experience of Googling 'avignon papacy' and then clicking over to the News tab.

man, cybertrucks are not aging well. I've noticed more and more rattling like a cartoon jalopy when they pass by. They sound like they're about to have a coughing fit before their wheels splay out like four legs. It's an electric vehicle that sounds like Mickey Mouse had to start it with a crank.

"If you remove him you get Vance." You're familiar with Donald J Trump's foreign policy where we remove a country's leaders one by one until we get to one we can do business with? No reason impeachment can't work the same way

You can say it would be good if a horse kicked the president in the head. It would obviously be an accident. You can't train a horse to kick one specific guy in the head. What was he doing putting his head behind a horse anyway? Terrible place to put a president's head. Nevertheless, you can say it.

I have blocked and reported the president for threatening nuclear war.

"...and here's what the mad king's latest delusion means for markets..."

Inside you there are two helpers. One of them is hamburger.

We used to have Bob Hope, Johnny Cash and Tilly Norwood. Now we have no hope, no cash, nor wood.

okay i made a 17-slide presentation detailing what you need to know to understand current Summer House drama

I try hard not to write people off forever but any sympathy towards challenging birthright citizenship is definitely one of my red lines. In fact, any variation of "our big problem is that vulnerable people have too many rights" will make me not trust you forever.

I think Donald Trump visited the Supreme Court this morning just to have the experience of being in a courtroom he could leave whenever he wanted. Usually he has to stay until a jury rules against him.

“All the writers are using AI, they just don’t tell anyone.” Okay then how the fuck do you know that? You got an AI whisper network? Is there there a lil club? What the fuck do you want from me, a little cardboard crown because you’re brave enough to admit you can’t write worth shit?

I lived in Chicago from 2015-2016. my main memory is that Rahm Emmanuel covered up the police murder of an unarmed teen and then we found out the police had a secret black site for disappearing and torturing people. So yeah he sounds like a dream candidate for centrists.

It's hard but really important to keep making new friends as an adult so that you always have a fresh crop of people willing to listen to you complain about stuff your oldest friends are sick of hearing about.

Axios is Greek for "the administration asked me to tell you"

I gotta start living healthily so I can ruin conservatives' relationships with their kids with old screenshots one day.

Animated Maui is an insecure trickster demigod. Live action Maui makes me aware of the inexorable passage of time.

I'm about 60 years late for this take, but The Zombies really skipped a few steps going from "What's your name?" straight to "Who's your daddy?"

tbf 'Dune 3: Fuck The Fans' was a little aggressive

Sometimes I forget that I should be promoting shows: come see me at UCBNY tomorrow night for CageMatch as my Harold team Bruv tries to extend our run! ucbcomedy.com/show/cage-ma...

Sometimes I think about how Bret Stephens was originally hired by the NYTimes because they wanted a climate denier, but climate doesn't really get clicks, so now he's just a bad-takes generalist.

Before this president, I didn't know it was possible to be obnoxious enough to make the Irish prime minister defend the British prime minister in public.

I did eat corned beef and cabbage in the form of a Reuben but I think my most Irish goal for the day is to be left out of any nonsense

This has been a terrible first month for my party boat business, the Strait of More Booze.

You know an American military campaign is going great when we keep casually mentioning how cool it would be if China helped.

When Shabbat was out I peeked at Bluesky & learned that people who call themselves progressives are mad at Mamdani for calling this ⬇️ reprehensible & idk how to tell you this, but if you're cool with the dehumanization & "excise" of Jews from reality, you're not progressive, you're an antisemite.

The way we feel about Photoshop vs AI now is the same as how we feel about Barnes & Noble vs Amazon now. I will not be answering questions.

Today, for no reason, I'm thinking about Louis XIV, whose grandeur of "absolute monarchy" obscured the fact that France's nobles paid no taxes and had far more power than British peers, and how this ultimately led to a small middle class, weak revenues, debt, inequality, and the French Revolution.

gr8 job babe!!!!