ICE is made up of the most violent, dumbest, most illiterate pieces of shit in this country and the only possible reason to bring them to Milan for the Olympics is to create content of them fucking up foreigners.

Perhaps Belichick’s HOF snub is a sign that players and coaches should put more effort into not being weirdos

The LinkedIn games haven’t loaded for the day, how am I supposed to entertain myself during my morning office-poop?

In a normal world, Phillip Glass boycotting the Kennedy Center should be a DEFCON 1 level alert for its prestige. It’s going to be reduced to a second-tier local theater for country music revues and racist stand-up comedy.

I can’t get over how there’s an ad for Peterson Academy which begins with Jordan Peterson saying “It’s a complete scam.”

Drinking time is 3 pm on a snow day

Sorry, we meant “Bored” of Peace.

I agree with the president that British troops who served in Afghanistan don’t deserve any respect, but he is only half right because the truth is that none of the troops deserve any respect.

“The second amendment exists to enforce the other ten” sounds just as stupid coming from the left as from the right. You’re telling people to commit suicide by cop like it’s a life hack.

Find someone who loves you as much as my cat loves stepping on my balls

There’s more flavors of cops than chicken wings in this shithole country.

Thanks to modern meteorology, I can properly prepare for the one to twenty five inches of snow this weekend.

It was all worth it to be able to act like an unbearable asshole in public with no personal or professional repercussions again.

All the celebrities started taking Ozempic and now it’s considered sexy to look like a week-old gas station hot dog

The free food at the corporate party is part of my compensation. Any comments about the portion sizes will be reported to the Department of Labor.

I have to get my state inspection tomorrow?! How am I supposed to monetize that?!

Obstruction? Protest? Prosecution? You child, you absolute buffoon. The only way to solve this is to bring grocery prices down.

“Somebody’s Baby” by Jackson Browne plays as a Nobel Peace Prize walks into the room.

They made fun of millennials for needing help “adulting,” but there are some elected senators on capital hill who are basically asking if they have a representative they can call.

Republican senator: Jesus came to me in a dream and said that unmarried mothers can’t have drivers licenses. Democrat senator: wow, damn, someone should do something about this.

[Batman voice] stupid doesn’t take a holiday, and neither do I.

Maybe it’s Mufasa’s own fault for being overthrown by creating a underclass of Hyenas for whom revolution was the only option for survival?

I don’t trust Reddit “cinephiles” because absolutely none of them have “The Sandlot” in their top 3.

Boston sports fans will be happy to know that the Bruins player in Heated Rivalry is the top.

Getting a Nobel peace prize these days is really Machado about nothing

greg bovino caught on camera eating piss today

Nobel Participation Prize

I've got an ass that just won't begin

Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.

Nobel Participation Prize

i am also accepting the nobel peace prize from machado and i encourage everyone to do the same.

Hey boss, can’t come into work today. The polling on it is down across the board. Me saying home has broad appeal.

The Tiny Desk is so big, they made Jackson Browne take out a mortgage to do three songs behind it

“Tiny Desk Concert,” my ass. That’s a huge desk. MF’s can fit a five piece band in that bitch.

“The Rural/Urban Divide” is what I call my butt crack

Dry Martini January

I’ve had nightmares that make more sense than this

Hey boss, can’t come in today. Bad case of internal bleeding.

Just so you don’t stay in suspense: your office party raffle grand prize this year is a JBL speaker.

Babe, the polls say I have to get drunk with the boys tonight. Public opinion is against you on this.

The first person to get fired for making fun of Scott Adams eating it gets to be king of Bluesky for a month.

Drunk Haydn Symphonie bracket with the boys

You should be able to abort fetuses up to the 123rd trimester if the fetus is a federal agent.

Idk why tic tok thinks I would ever need to know the pros and cons of using a combat knife. As if I used knives for anything other than cooking and opening packages.

kids these days don't know how to impress Jodie Foster

My wife is insisting I salt the walkway to distract from the Epstein files.

Of course it pops off the week my 401(k) match kicks in.

I totally understand foreigners being mad at all Americans, but the truth is that the entire direction of this, or any given country could be reversed overnight by imprisoning a maximum of 100 powerful people

Terrifying if literal: teenage heart-throb.