When my kids get on the bus in the morning they say goodbye to every dog at this stop individually and by name, but not to me!

@austinwalker.bsky.social buddy i love shelved by genre and im picking and choosing my way through it a bit but im about to start swamp thing

i wanted my phone to tell me when my sandwich would be ready and now my phone wont stop telling me that i can now purchase a, "picklewich", on a daily basis

Please be sure to check your kids Halloween candy carefully this year. They might get some snickers or even a reeses. That shits delicious but you gotta move fast or else you’ll end up with the Mounds and Almond Joy.

How to use Windows

no no, the Frog Protests were totally different from the Umbrella Protests, which aren't even the REAL umbrella protests, that was a tactic we learned from --

Me, on my deathbed: “ok but as lead researcher for the Human Immortality Project I *do* wish I had spent more time at work”

We are the yucks our ancestors failed to yum

My body is a machine that turns “thank you for your interest” into “Unfortunately,”

congratulations to the heroic employees and ex-employees who organized for this, were belittled, and were fired to achieve this www.theguardian.com/world/2025/s...

wow! Not only was I raptured but there’s internet up here!

listening to this is making me feel better about how incredibly fake my job search is. fake job listings, fake processes, fake advice, people taking on fake authority to post on linked in. i had to create a fake badge for a zoom interview.

Yesterday the grocery clerk told me ”enjoy the last weekend of summer” and today it started pouring rain. Coincidence? NO. The grocery workers union controls the weather!

i have never seen as ineffective a threat as a man saying "I'm about to leave a bad yelp review" at a taco bell

if you dont lie to your kids, someone else will

I don’t have what I need to travel through this area.

Hm, I think I'm missing something. I might need to come back later.

linkedin is a place where you see some guy saying "CEOs, you can lay more people off and see productivity go up, AI is the gamechanger" and you click into his profile and his most recent gig is "self employed helping people find their hustle whether its selling feet pics or"

Calling peoples' employers in a rage because their tributes to Robert Redford weren't horny enough

Gender affirming care for men is lifting something heavy for your wife

GIVE ME A SHOT - dashare.zone ADMIN

I've sent my top man for the job

the microsoft family consent settings page is one of the most ludicrous experiences i have ever had with a microsoft product and let me tell you i have had some truly wild experiences

He actually did die but he didn’t drop The Sword of Kings and im trying to do a 100% run so I have to keep reloading sorry

I sold out and made an ad for the concept of breakfast

(mf doom voice) he threw a sandwich cheese and salami, feds couldn't indict folded like origami, afraid of subway both the chain and the train, mayo salt and pepper shake your thang, grand jury shut em down twice, coca cola on the side no ice

who could have predicted that my computer science degree would primarily prepare me for the middle twenty levels of any given indie puzzle game

restaurants are a scam. most restaurants secretly have a kitchen in the back that you’re not allowed to see where they prepare all the food

thinking VERY CAREFULLY before deciding which of these to put my skill points into only to get TPK'd because the AI decided that "Risk assessment strategies and mitigations" was the skill it was going to roll against instead

Trying out AI as a therapist

@matthewseiji.com so im playing eliza right now and jeez if someone played this on release day they'd be pretty well equipped for the next six years huh

actually all those typos in my cover letter are intentional because they're proof an ai *didn't* write it

Coup, coupee, couponed

filthy casual

Lots of people assume that the purpose of social media is to share important personal or world news but to me, Yo was always about telling jokes for my friends

Science side of tumblr here! You're high and it's going to last forever and hell is real

why isn’t the left talking about where mother’s face goes when we play peekaboo

@dominictarason.com Haste absolutely rocks, i picked it up on your recommendation and couldn't enjoy it more, ty for highlighting it

and wouldn’t you know it, the actions what we took to forestall the prophecy ended up actually bringing it to completion! And so we were left wonderin if we made no move at all, would this still have come to pass, or was it the manipulations of the seer what made this fulfill! but how was your 4th?

Clicking all the ads on a useful videogame walkthrough like I’m slapping the ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️30% tip button for excellent service

They’re saying my Vibrams are off? They’re saying my chakrams are misaligned?? They said I was born under ill fated start signs???

Great Khan, I have indeedseen a city in which you appeared to me as the chad, while I wandered those same brick and mason streets as the virgin. Yet I have been to another city, of alabaster filigree, in which a man much like you appeared to be the virgin, while I, held aloft in my litter, was chad.

My daughter asked me “are you smart?” And I said “no” then she said “spell it” and I said “spell what, smart?” And she said “no, spell it!” And I said “I-t” and she cackled like she got me. Low brainpower fathers racking em up.

“If you let one hottie in, you gotta let all the hotties in, and even then you’re still dealing with ‘am I hot enough?’ ‘am I hot enough?’ and next thing you’re not even watching the door, you’re arbitrating disputes about the relative hotness of strangers” - maxwells demon on why he retired

Fired from my job at the tarot factory for making a bunch of readings come out “the priestess” “lovers” “helpmeimstuckinatarotfactory” to imply I fucked your mother because it’s “rude” and “that’s not a real card” and I’m “interfering with fate”

Where IS all the good writing about games????

you don't see husbands realizing they forgot their anniversary and searching for a gift and seeing the necklace their wife wanted in a window for $50 and pulling out an empty wallet and moths flying out and then seeing a poster that says "BOXING MATCH FIRST PRIZE $50" and saying "hmmm" much anymore

I also watched nge:rebuild and as satisfying as it was to end on “go outside and get a girlfriend and stop caring about Evas you absolute fuckup” getting screamed in my face for 3 hours I can’t say I would recommend it as universally

I’m re reading the Fire Logic series and if you want weighty stories where magic is used to emphasize character development and philosophical heft about retribution and justice for your oppressors and lots of lesbians then: read Fire Logic www.amazon.com/Fire-Logic-E...