I woke up singing the 60’s Batman theme today. I used to love watching reruns of 60’s Batman as a kid, but the episodes that excited me most were the ones where the opening credits would have Batgirl ride by on her motorcycle, after they added her in the later seasons. Batgirl was my favorite.

My (now former) coworkers are really tugging on the strings of the cold black stone that’s located where my heart should be. Genuinely didn’t think I was this well liked. 🥹 (On the flip side, pretty much all of management *assumed* I was here for another week. Which is honestly typical. 🙄)

Got an offer for a better job before I’m even officially done with *this* one. Holy shit, is my karma actually paying dividends, at long last?!

I miss Rik sometimes. God, that man was fucking funny. 🥹

Being half an hour late to work when your last day is two days from now (and you’re off tomorrow anyway) is an interesting moral quandary to be in…

In today’s entry of “Yes, My Brain IS Like This All The Time” I opened my eyes this morning and the FIRST thing I did…? …was to IMMEDIATELY begin singing a Megan Mullally M&Ms commercial jingle from like…2003? THIS is why I’m “like this” people. This is what it’s LIKE up here! 🧠

Okay, I’ll go ahead and say it; Chappelle Roan fucking sucks. Her music sucks, her attitude sucks, her “fashion sense” sucks. She all around just fucking sucks. I have yet to see or hear her and think “I want to know more”. She fully just fucking sucks. Let’s all move on from her now, ‘kay?

ME: whenever i make fried eggs the yolks break but when i make scrambled eggs they don’t ALANIS MORISSETTE: i’m sorry but the lyrics are already done

They wrote a book about my dating life…? 🤨

The world just got a WHOLE lot less funny. 😔

It’s 9:30am and already I’ve recited the entire Muppet Babies theme song, from memory, via text and I literally JUST woke up. What have YOU accomplished today…?!

…….I’M SORRY, WHAT…?

Sesame Street is now offering tips for parents on post-trauma comfort because the federal government is physically and mentally abusing our country's children.

Whenever I’m losing my way in life, I just look down at my bracelet, and I ask myself “WWBRD”… “What would Burt Reynolds Do…?”

…….I DON’T EVEN HAVE TO *SAY* ANYTHING. THE IMAGE IS ENOUGH. ☹️🫣

We all need to be as fearless as Bernadette Peters.

you can pay for expensive sweaters with cashmere or creditmere

Pronouns: He She It You We They Amateurnouns: Whoozits Whatsername Thingamajig *vague pointing* Whatchamacallit Dude

….yes, and…? Like what are we doing here? Is the issue with us that our lives are pretty chill and fun? Is that the problem? Not enough self-imposed suffering for Sky Daddy? Oops…? 🤨

Darkness?! Imprisoning *me*?! It’s more common than you think…!

I like having a January 1st birthday (and knowing the time I was born) because, no matter what day it is, I can tell people EXACTLY how old I am to the *minute*, and it makes me look like a savant. Or Rain Man. Take your pick.

…..that honestly a super real take on Eeyore! Aww, now I love him even more!! 🥹

Imagine that the first thing you see every morning when you open your eyes is this… …you will quickly understand why I wake up smiling these days…

Took a morning nap and woke up wondering…what’s the difference between a vulture and a buzzard? Is this an SAT question? “True or false: or vultures are buzzards, but not all buzzards are vultures”? I’m sure I could look it up, but I’d rather someone teach me. 🥺

"i saw a bad post on x" ok well i saw a turd in the toilet but i'm not making you look at a screenshot of it

That’s right, folks! Get ready for more spine-chilling slowly closing doors and lazily swinging chandeliers! Can you withstand the terror of wondering why they don’t stop filming and just move?! Experience the fear of nothing happening for roughly 5/6 of the runtime!!!

I miss proper urban legends. Or rather the point in time when they could exist. It used to be much easier to unnerve your friends with spooky baseless “friend-of-a-friend” tales of horror before. Now the response is “Snopes says that’s fake.” Life used to have more magic.

I DO BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER LOVE, CHER! I DO BELIEVE!

In the late 90’s/early 2000’s, there was a live action TMNT show, Next Mutation, in which a female Turtle, Venus Di Milo was added to the team. Everyone hates Venus. She sucks. But do you know why *I* hate Venus? It’s not just that she sucks…

they should have titled them: Scream Screeam Screeeam Screeeeam Screeeeeam Screeeeeeam Screeeeeeeam

People say babies are cute, but all I see are screaming poop sacs that move like they’re drunk constantly. If I wanted something in my life that only created messes, responsibilities, and annoyance in my day to day, I would’ve stayed married.

I know I’ve had a bad day when the soundtrack of my brain is just me repeating to myself, on a loop, “….all I want to do is go home, see my dogs, make coffee, get stoned, and watch cartoons…😑”.

Let’s follow up with a *pregnant* coworker being told that, of the two ares she oversees, that she can’t sit down at the one that requires her to be stationary, but she CAN at the one that requires her to be constantly mobile. Make it make sense.

There are dark forces at play that made management tell my DEEPLY balding coworker that he is no longer to cycle through his vast collection of hats while in the building anymore. Corporate America is an evil place.

Where do Smurfs come from? Like…how do you get more Smurfs? You’re going to be tempted to say “Smurfette”, but fun fact; she’s not a real Smurf. She’s a Gargamel construct, so, before the existence of Smurfette, where did more Smurfs come from?

Keanu Reeves, ladies and gentleman…a reportedly very nice man who will stalk toward you aggressively whilst holding firearms.

Living in the Scooby-Doo universe would be kind of crazy. Imagine living in a world where the *go to* response to an interpersonal conflict is “well now I’m going to create an elaborate scheme involving costumes, props, and sets based solely around the feelings of this one person.”