New from me on @pointsincase.com

If we’ve learned anything from Biden and now trump it’s that the next president needs to be even older

Is there a law that says your signature can’t be bubble letters? Thinking about making some changes

Can’t believe they let the mascots do one handed pushups after touchdowns now because of wokeness

Several minds currently creating versions of the horny copypasta for this just in case

New from me @mcsweeneys.net www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/upd...

Thinking about becoming one of those guys that has a lot of money but no one is really sure how or where he gets money from.

Kid just asked me if “anyone was born in a year that starts with 19 instead of 20.” Heartbreaking

Has it occurred to anyone that maybe the falling birth rates aren’t because of lifestyles or increased cost of living but because fewer bugs are living lives that earn them reincarnation as a human?

Socrates: I see AC/DC, but is it not still a long way to the top even if one does not wish to rock and roll? It seems the length to the top is not then dependent on one’s desire to rock and roll.

“You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead hands,” I tell the officer pointing to the corner where a pair of severed human hands hold my gun pulling off a hilarious sight gag before being arrested & convicted of being The Hand Lopper, a serial killer known for removing his victims hands

Family is gathered, waiting to watch the last great part of America: Mr. Joseph Gordon Chestnut

Cotton Eye Joe bravely asks only two questions throughout the song and successfully answers neither.

What about doing Henny Oldman and Gary Youngman? Something to think about.

The movie should’ve covered more of the struggle Pinocchio no doubt had trying to get a social security number or any sort of birth/citizenship papers.

Brevity, the ability to convey ideas quickly and efficiently, without a lot of extraneous words or explanation, is the soul, the essence, the building block, of wit.

It’s funny that NYC makes it everyone’s problem when they have to pick a mayor. I barely know the LA mayor, I only know the Chicago mayor when she wears comically large suits. But every time there is an NYC mayor election we all hear about how corrupt the eventual winner is.

Matthew McConaughey serving as the bailiff in a court just before the judge enters: “all rise, all rise, all rise”

Excited to be back in the newsletter of humorous writing this week!

Shoutout the old guy at the bar before this show for giving me several Polish jokes I am “free to use if you want.” Then smoothly seguing into telling me how much he loves women.

Important reading

Are Reese's the only candy that wears underwear or are there others I'm not thinking of?

Not saying I think he's bad, but I didn't have a first round grade on this pope. Could have probably gotten him a few rounds later. Feels like a bit of a reach to me.

Creating a big church with a mural of biblical images on the ceiling and it’s a safe space for teenagers whose gender aligns with their sex at birth to listen to Pink Pony Club and Red Wine Supernova. Calling it the Sistine Chapel for cis-teen Chappell (Roan fans)

Lawyer just agreed to take my case anti bono (I have to pay extra)

Slightly overweight pilot comes over the intercom: we’ve lost the engines. We are going down. Say your goodbyes. I whip around in my seat as fast as I can to face the youths behind me: you know who else was told they were going to die by a paunchy pilot?

They’re not allowed to make you go to the beach in Texas without a judge reviewing it because of the writ of Habeas Corpus Christi.

Resharing in light of Tesla having to recall every cyber truck www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/ple...

Some new humor on @pointsincase.com about one of my joys, basketball www.pointsincase.com/articles/fac...

Just read the jfk files. Says he was vaxxed???

Hope this works

Give a woman a fish, you feed her for a day. Try to teach a woman to fish, but through this unlikely meeting create an adorable meet cute for a will they won’t they relationship and you’ve created a made for TV movie on Lifetime.

This RFK jr thing couldn’t be happening at a better time for me personally as I’ve just received a large shipment of medicinal oil made from anacondas

It has two of them so it should be a Saber Teeth Tiger!

Me trying to remember someone's name

Why don’t they make the whole theater out of the black box?!?

I don’t see how you can be ideologically opposed to kids seeing drag queens but be fine with the fact that, on the drive home just now, my kids were exposed to not 1, not 2, but 6 cybertrucks

Why would they hire Freeze? What has he done at Auburn to make them think he can turn around the VA?

Sometimes I tell people when I’m about to hit a golf ball toward a group of people. It’s called fore-shadowing

“I’m the least racist person you have ever interviewed.”

Latest from me. Important, please read

Thinking about in 2025 becoming one of those people that just stops in the middle of crowded walkways

Working on myself

Watched That Christmas on Netflix with my kids. It’s fine if you want to be British in the privacy of your own home but I don’t think it’s appropriate to include it in a movie aimed at children.

Honored to make the list!

Nosfera-tu Brute?

You’re in charge of government efficiency, what’s your first move? If you didn’t say “announce that everyone should be more like Screech” then you got the question wrong

We mock the pigs for using bad materials to build their houses but we don’t give enough credit to the big bad wolf for his impeccable lung capacity

Santa has gone woke and now performs a land acknowledgment after he comes down each chimney

Teaching my child an important lesson about annunciating by putting an AI generated naked photo of Dwight D Eisenhower under the tree and telling him “you must’ve mumbled and instead of ‘new bike’ Santa thought you said ‘nude Ike’”