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I bet all the people that joke about Travis Kelce being dumb feel pretty stupid after finding out he wrote and delivered his vows in perfect minionese

"Sweet shit of Christ, he’s devoured the Oscar Mayer crew and commandeered the Weinermobile. His eyes are shimmering with a mix of fury, hunger, revenge, and excess hot-dog grease/human blood/motor oil."

"Somehow he’s escaped containment. They were supposed to throw a burlap sack over Mr. Chestnut’s head, like they do when subduing an ostrich, and take him away once he’d finished the pile of hot dogs. But now he’s loose, and he’s picked up your scent. Here is what to do..."

Back in @mcsweeneys.net with potentially life saving tips ahead of the holiday weekend www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/sur...

New from me on @mcsweeneys.net www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/two...

My favorite thing about the right wing conspiracy theories regarding the LA mayoral race is that the central thesis of the conspiracy assumes it’s impossible that most people simply don’t want one of the more reviled reality tv stars from a few decades ago to be mayor

Thinking about writing a book where, every few sentences, the narrator says “I mean, you couldn’t write this stuff”

Oh, I would hardly call what you saw "nudity" or "pornographic movements."

“Bad news haters” I say before announcing something that is either inconsequential to the hater, or indirectly proves the haters correct.

I’m back in @pointsincase.com today www.pointsincase.com/articles/on-...

Honored to be in the newsletter of humorous writing this week!

Easily one my favorite pieces we have run on the site.

I’m in @mcsweeneys.net today. Please read www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/ill...

In this week's newsletter, @jamesfolta.com and I rounded up great writing by @ninasharmawriter.bsky.social in Slackjaw, Helen Laser and @tylergooch.bsky.social in @pointsincase.com, and @megannn-lynne.bsky.social in @havehashad.com. Check it out & subscribe at the link below 👇

Barabbas being set free and Jesus being crucified is the ultimate reminder of the importance of voting

They’re just kids but the players for Sienna have let the nation down and should feel bad

I dont know a ton about workd affairs but here is what I know about the ongoing situation in the Middle East. I know the Ayatollah’s in Iran. I know there’s Russians in Afghanistan. And I know there’s wheel of fortune, Sally Ride, heavy metal suicide. I don’t know much beyond that though.

I’m in @mcsweeneys.net today www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/an-...

If I ever found out there was a fish god my first thought would be “holy mackerel”

If the pursuit of Mambo No. 6 has taught us anything it’s that Lou Begas can’t be Lou Choosers

Wait, you’re trying to tell me that Jean clawed Van Damme?

Instead of feeding the 5,000 with fish and loaves for a day, I think Jesus should’ve taught the 5,000 to fish and bake and fed them for a lifetime. Just my opinion

Portia De Rossi when her partner is snoring

Is it just me or have people become extremely materialistic lately? They think all their problems will be solved if they can just buy one more trinket or if you'll just pay them back the money you owe them for the tickets to Butter (a Korn cover band b/c you cover corn with butter)

I have it on good authority that when Rhianna said “we found love in a hopeless place” the hopeless place she was talking about was Southern Indiana

Recency bias wasn’t even really a thing 20 years ago

We hear them singing Dahoo Dores in the movie, but the rest of the year the Who down in Whoville sing Pinball Wizard and Baba O’Reily

SANTA DENIER: Every time I’ve seen a reindeer, they’re just standing there, chewing grass. CHILD: By your own admission, you’ve never seen a reindeer even attempt to fly. But you think you can confidently tell me that you KNOW reindeer cannot fly?

The Who’s down in Whoville all look the same and seem to all share a last name, which suggests it’s a deeply incestuous community. The grinch looks much different and is not named Who perhaps making him the result of an extra-family affair?

I'm in @mcsweeneys.net today for the holidays

One thing that I don’t think gets enough attention in the King Solomon cut the baby in half story is that they used to have the king, the one sovereign ruler of the land, set aside time every week to handle tasks that, nowadays, would be performed by Maury Povich

Just got confirmation that, since they discontinued the penny, you now have to say "One hundredth of a dollar for your thoughts" smh

If I can’t leave the Hotel California why would they even let me check out? So they can turn my room over and have me just loitering in the lobby and using the computer in the business center for eternity?

In this week's newsletter, @jamesfolta.com and I round up great writing by @worldofktebs.bsky.social and @tylergooch.bsky.social in @mcsweeneys.net, Freddie Shanel in @reductress.bsky.social, & a quiz from @nygroove.nyc. Check it out, along with our complete archives, and subscribe below!

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New Run Club humor in @pointsincase.com !! Thanks for the pub @jamesfolta.com ! www.pointsincase.com/articles/im-...

New from me on @pointsincase.com

If we’ve learned anything from Biden and now trump it’s that the next president needs to be even older

Is there a law that says your signature can’t be bubble letters? Thinking about making some changes

Can’t believe they let the mascots do one handed pushups after touchdowns now because of wokeness

Several minds currently creating versions of the horny copypasta for this just in case

New from me @mcsweeneys.net www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/upd...

Thinking about becoming one of those guys that has a lot of money but no one is really sure how or where he gets money from.

Kid just asked me if “anyone was born in a year that starts with 19 instead of 20.” Heartbreaking

Has it occurred to anyone that maybe the falling birth rates aren’t because of lifestyles or increased cost of living but because fewer bugs are living lives that earn them reincarnation as a human?

Socrates: I see AC/DC, but is it not still a long way to the top even if one does not wish to rock and roll? It seems the length to the top is not then dependent on one’s desire to rock and roll.

“You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead hands,” I tell the officer pointing to the corner where a pair of severed human hands hold my gun pulling off a hilarious sight gag before being arrested & convicted of being The Hand Lopper, a serial killer known for removing his victims hands

Family is gathered, waiting to watch the last great part of America: Mr. Joseph Gordon Chestnut

Cotton Eye Joe bravely asks only two questions throughout the song and successfully answers neither.