Wait, you’re trying to tell me that Jean clawed Van Damme?

Instead of feeding the 5,000 with fish and loaves for a day, I think Jesus should’ve taught the 5,000 to fish and bake and fed them for a lifetime. Just my opinion

Portia De Rossi when her partner is snoring

Is it just me or have people become extremely materialistic lately? They think all their problems will be solved if they can just buy one more trinket or if you'll just pay them back the money you owe them for the tickets to Butter (a Korn cover band b/c you cover corn with butter)

I have it on good authority that when Rhianna said “we found love in a hopeless place” the hopeless place she was talking about was Southern Indiana

Recency bias wasn’t even really a thing 20 years ago

We hear them singing Dahoo Dores in the movie, but the rest of the year the Who down in Whoville sing Pinball Wizard and Baba O’Reily

SANTA DENIER: Every time I’ve seen a reindeer, they’re just standing there, chewing grass. CHILD: By your own admission, you’ve never seen a reindeer even attempt to fly. But you think you can confidently tell me that you KNOW reindeer cannot fly?

The Who’s down in Whoville all look the same and seem to all share a last name, which suggests it’s a deeply incestuous community. The grinch looks much different and is not named Who perhaps making him the result of an extra-family affair?

I'm in @mcsweeneys.net today for the holidays

One thing that I don’t think gets enough attention in the King Solomon cut the baby in half story is that they used to have the king, the one sovereign ruler of the land, set aside time every week to handle tasks that, nowadays, would be performed by Maury Povich

Just got confirmation that, since they discontinued the penny, you now have to say "One hundredth of a dollar for your thoughts" smh

If I can’t leave the Hotel California why would they even let me check out? So they can turn my room over and have me just loitering in the lobby and using the computer in the business center for eternity?

In this week's newsletter, @jamesfolta.com and I round up great writing by @worldofktebs.bsky.social and @tylergooch.bsky.social in @mcsweeneys.net, Freddie Shanel in @reductress.bsky.social, & a quiz from @nygroove.nyc. Check it out, along with our complete archives, and subscribe below!

Latest in @mcsweeneys.net plz read immediately www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/so-...

New Run Club humor in @pointsincase.com !! Thanks for the pub @jamesfolta.com ! www.pointsincase.com/articles/im-...

New from me on @pointsincase.com

If we’ve learned anything from Biden and now trump it’s that the next president needs to be even older

Is there a law that says your signature can’t be bubble letters? Thinking about making some changes

Can’t believe they let the mascots do one handed pushups after touchdowns now because of wokeness

Several minds currently creating versions of the horny copypasta for this just in case

New from me @mcsweeneys.net www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/upd...

Thinking about becoming one of those guys that has a lot of money but no one is really sure how or where he gets money from.

Kid just asked me if “anyone was born in a year that starts with 19 instead of 20.” Heartbreaking

Has it occurred to anyone that maybe the falling birth rates aren’t because of lifestyles or increased cost of living but because fewer bugs are living lives that earn them reincarnation as a human?

Socrates: I see AC/DC, but is it not still a long way to the top even if one does not wish to rock and roll? It seems the length to the top is not then dependent on one’s desire to rock and roll.

“You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead hands,” I tell the officer pointing to the corner where a pair of severed human hands hold my gun pulling off a hilarious sight gag before being arrested & convicted of being The Hand Lopper, a serial killer known for removing his victims hands

Family is gathered, waiting to watch the last great part of America: Mr. Joseph Gordon Chestnut

Cotton Eye Joe bravely asks only two questions throughout the song and successfully answers neither.

What about doing Henny Oldman and Gary Youngman? Something to think about.

The movie should’ve covered more of the struggle Pinocchio no doubt had trying to get a social security number or any sort of birth/citizenship papers.

Brevity, the ability to convey ideas quickly and efficiently, without a lot of extraneous words or explanation, is the soul, the essence, the building block, of wit.

It’s funny that NYC makes it everyone’s problem when they have to pick a mayor. I barely know the LA mayor, I only know the Chicago mayor when she wears comically large suits. But every time there is an NYC mayor election we all hear about how corrupt the eventual winner is.

Matthew McConaughey serving as the bailiff in a court just before the judge enters: “all rise, all rise, all rise”

Excited to be back in the newsletter of humorous writing this week!

Shoutout the old guy at the bar before this show for giving me several Polish jokes I am “free to use if you want.” Then smoothly seguing into telling me how much he loves women.

Important reading

Are Reese's the only candy that wears underwear or are there others I'm not thinking of?

Not saying I think he's bad, but I didn't have a first round grade on this pope. Could have probably gotten him a few rounds later. Feels like a bit of a reach to me.

Creating a big church with a mural of biblical images on the ceiling and it’s a safe space for teenagers whose gender aligns with their sex at birth to listen to Pink Pony Club and Red Wine Supernova. Calling it the Sistine Chapel for cis-teen Chappell (Roan fans)

Lawyer just agreed to take my case anti bono (I have to pay extra)

Slightly overweight pilot comes over the intercom: we’ve lost the engines. We are going down. Say your goodbyes. I whip around in my seat as fast as I can to face the youths behind me: you know who else was told they were going to die by a paunchy pilot?

They’re not allowed to make you go to the beach in Texas without a judge reviewing it because of the writ of Habeas Corpus Christi.

Resharing in light of Tesla having to recall every cyber truck www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/ple...

Some new humor on @pointsincase.com about one of my joys, basketball www.pointsincase.com/articles/fac...

Just read the jfk files. Says he was vaxxed???

Hope this works

Give a woman a fish, you feed her for a day. Try to teach a woman to fish, but through this unlikely meeting create an adorable meet cute for a will they won’t they relationship and you’ve created a made for TV movie on Lifetime.

This RFK jr thing couldn’t be happening at a better time for me personally as I’ve just received a large shipment of medicinal oil made from anacondas

It has two of them so it should be a Saber Teeth Tiger!