I’m sure Mexico will pay for the ballroom.

Joke is on you, Trump. I like being shit on. #Trump #NoKings #ClevelandSteamer

No Kings NYC. #NoKings #NYC

Checked Venmo. No payment from Soros. Going to go protest anyway. #NoKings

If you're going to a No Kings protest tomorrow, wear patriotic colors and bring American flags. Let's counteract the Trump Administration narrative that this is an "anti-America" demonstration. No Kings is about loving America and saving democracy. #NoKings #America

The real crime is John Bolton still had an AOL email account. #JohnBolton #YouHaveMail

"Mitch, show us through movement an interpretation of what your leadership has done to America." #mitchmcconnell #fall

"It’s out of my hands. Billy Joel and the American Dental Association reached a binding agreement sometime in the mid-2000s. Dentists across America are required by law to pump out 'River of Dreams' so that every patient hears it when they’re in the office."

Making my @mcsweeneys.net debut today. Thrilled to be a contributor to one of the funniest sites around. #mcsweeney's #billyjoel #dentist #earworm I Am Legally Obligated to Play Billy Joel’s “River of Dreams” at Least Once During Your Dental Appointment www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-a...

All hail President Pussyneck! #trump #time #triumph

America: Fighting for liberty while wearing costumes since 1773. #frogs #portland

Reporter: Real question. Trump Lackey: Chuck Schumer? Reporter: No. Trump Lackey: Antifa?

If there was a Nobel Piece of Shit prize, Trump would be a shoe-in.

I guffawed. www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/aaa...

To be fair, we can’t expect Trump to know what an actual war zone looks like. He dodged the draft five times. #portland #chicago

Remember when our biggest worry about Facebook was whether to poke someone or not?

I work in advertising. I am an AI skeptic. This hit home.

Soooo good. If 1980s Teen Movies Took Place Today www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/if-...

Pete Hegseth can, and I mean this with no respect, go fuck himself.

Put a military invasion on it! #portland #trump

Not sure that the same guy who had a huge baby bitch meltdown over a broken escalator is going to be tough enough to end wars. #escalatorgate #sorrystairs

When @markruffalo.bsky.social gives you a Task, you complete it. (See what I did there?) #addyourname #ACLU #SaveFreeSpeech

As a country, you definitely want the guy in charge of your military to be so sensitive he can’t handle a comedian making jokes about him.

Well well well. It looks like the snowflakers are now the snowflakees. #jimmykimmel #savefreespeech #magaflakes

Well they have eight arms so… www.nbcnews.com/science/scie...

Pageant Host: If you had power over everyone in the world for one day, what would you do? Me: I’d teach all the people of the world how to lightly push the door to the bathroom at the restaurant to see if anyone is already inside instead of ramming the handle aggressively when it’s clearly locked.

Patel and his assistant buffoon couldn’t catch a cold.

The smart thing would have been for the @newyorkyankeestem.bsky.social to have a moment of silence for all victims of gun violence without mentioning Charlie Kirk by name and therefore associating themselves with a neo-Nazi. But, hey, I'm not in PR so what do I know? #yankees #charliekirk

Charlie Kirk was an asshole. Violence is terrible. Life is not black and white. Lots of things can be true all at once.

Charlie Kirk is a shitty person. Shitty people deserve to live and not be victims of violence. Both things can be true. #charliekirk #howaboutsomefuckingguncontrol

Is everyone inspired to shave their pubes to look like Trump’s signature or is that just me? #epsteinfiles #birthdaycard

Time to make our other government departments sound tougher too. The Department of Agriculture is now the Department of Giant Phallic Vegetables. The Department of Transportation is now the Department of Really Fast Shit with Loud Engines. Interior is just called Dept of America Fuck Yeah.

Saw this on Pinterest. @themerl.bsky.social is this even legal?

Tell me you have a tiny penis without telling me you have a tiny penis. apnews.com/article/dona...

NYC in the summer, a constant game of “Am I the One Who Smells or is it the Person Next to Me?” This game has no winners. #hottown #gettingdirtyandgritty

Vaginas are self-cleaning. That's why I call mine "Roomba."

“I’m not going to buy any more books for a while,” I said, lying to myself. #books #cantstopwontstop

Revised headline: "Man-child pretends to be a cop to make up for the fact that he has a tiny penis." www.cnn.com/2025/08/21/p...

Thanks for naming the pants “curvy capris,” Macy’s. I would rather you be honest with me and just call them what they are: chunky middle-aged woman short pants.

At Ninja Auditions. Ninja Boss: Ok, Katie, show us what you’ve got. *I put a clasp bracelet on my own wrist* Ninja Boss: You’re in.

Scott Baio was robbed! #KennedyCenterHonors

There are only two sides now and they are not liberal and conservative. They are believes in the Constitution or believes in fascism. There is no middle ground. Pick a side. You’re either with America or against her. #FreeDC

If I ever told my husband he was the head of our household and I was “submitting” to him, he’d know it was a trap. #petehegseth #19thAmendment4eva

"Ms. Phillips, would you call yourself a patient person?" Me: Oh absolutely. *burns mouth repeatedly on hot tea I'm drinking*

Decided after 6 publications, this writing thing was getting serious enough for a website. #writing #fiction www.ktmazzaphillips.com

I wonder if Mexico will pay for the ballroom.

Is anyone else finding they can only cum these days by watching people yell at GOP congressmen at town halls?

Someone should tell Trump gravity is a liberal hoax and to prove it he needs to go jump off the edge of a cliff.

Optimism is knowing it’s humid as fuck out but straightening your hair anyway.

My latest short story is out today. Thank you to failbetter for publishing it. #shortstory #shortfiction #failbetter #writer failbetter.com/content/it%E....