Forbes just released their 'Top 200 Most Guillotineable'

You cannot sway me from my opinion that this screenshot is exactly forty-five seconds before this man fucks this pizza.

BREAKING:

AMEN

Unchecked Capitalism (2025)

Merry Christmas! Let’s go kill Skeletrex

Scrooged is under appreciated as a Christmas classic. It’s funny. It’s creepy. A bit unhinged. If you’re not watching Die Hard or A Muppet Christmas Carol this should be your third pick.

I wonder how much in bribes Gobble and Waddle paid for that pardon

Reminded of this Pants artwork from years ago:

Just make it exist first. You can make it worse with each new pass while getting increasingly frustrated later.

Literally the only time I ever turn on ESPN is when they do the Ocho

A lot of people don’t know that Ozzy Osbourne was just a nick name and it was actually short for Australia Australiabourne

Turns out the Hulkamania was terminal.

If you're wondering why a barred owl? It's because the owl didn't pay its tab and then threw up jagermeister all over the floor as security were throwing him out.

"So what we need is an attention grabbing ad." "Hey. Don't worry. I went to school for advertising-"

Me scooping broiling hot queso on to my chips

f this shit imma just call it hbo+

‘H’ is the worst letter. Aitch? What is that? Oh you’re silent this time? Oh in this word you’re just gonna be a loud hot wet breath? Okayy dude. Get fucked. But ‘T’ though. Now that’s what I call a letter!

If you haven’t seen a bumblebee butt today…☺️

sing us a song, you're Paul Dano, man

Sir, I quickly need your help as I’m currently sitting at a table facing off with a steaming cioppino.

Apologies for the Twitter cross, but...

PSA for everyone going to protests

My Republican representative told me in “The Big Beautiful Bill” we all get a flying car AND each one has a McDonalds Fry-maker inside. Also in an additional provision the US will have a pizza party every single day. What did your rep tell you about the bill?

The president going to see Les Miserables at the Kennedy center while there are protests in several major cities- is some PEAK irony. Did no one tell him what it’s about? Someone’s gotta have told him right?

It is 100% carrying water for the opposition to participate in this collective delusion that Dems for some reason need to answer for every teen who throws a rock rather than hold the Trump admin accountable for intentionally creating chaos and breaking the law to stoke violence. They are in charge.

Breaking: French lady blowing nose next to me continuously approaching fourth minute.

Alright, I think I need some sleep, but I leave you with a sleepy thought: The world is an especially dark and scary place. Never forget to play games, sing songs, pet cute animals, hang with your friends and be silly little guys. Without that good stuff, there's nothing worth fighting for.

*pope voice* "And lord keep Lou Malnati's in our hearts... and our stomachs. Especially in our stomachs."

*SNL Bears Voice* Da Pope

Once I randomly went to a county fair and they had a free demolition derby that night and two cars caught on fire and I’ve been randomly chasing that high ever since.

Priest at the Vatican: PSSST y’all wanna see a dead body?

I’m no dummy I rebuilt my stockpile of toilet paper the day he took office again

Just heard the US economy is suing Cody Rhodes for rights to “The American Nightmare”

*Slow clap*

Every time more than a month goes by between episodes my anxiety spikes about releasing one. Hopefully it's not, as the kid's say, "a humongous pile of audible shit and grease."

Felt cute might destroy the economy later… idk

financial advice in a weird time: -- develop a plan -- find friends who support you -- preferably 10 of them -- steal $160 million from the Bellagio, the Mirage, and the MGM Grand -- yes those are Terry Benedict's casinos -- get your wife back -- one of the friends should be Don Cheadle btw simple

I do not like when the nerds who post graphs on here are all going "oof" and "jesus christ" at the same time

Make Depression Great Again!

RIP you king

It's okay to be cynical but still let rising hope get you a little bit sometimes as a treat.

I've only caught the last seven hours but @booker.senate.gov has been spitting 🔥🔥🔥for more than a full ass day now. This. This is what we're looking for.

When you wake up on the West coast and @booker.senate.gov still hasn’t yielded the floor.

You can keep your Goslings and Hemsworths. Gimmee some weird little character actors with goblin energy anyday. Doing the weird shifty stuff in movies with faces like an angry sculptor mushed em into being. That's cinema.

if i found the wreck of an alien space craft i'd be picking up all the stuff in it and tooting on it to see if it was an alien instrument which was capable of alien jazz

Mmmm bootlicker’s tongue with pine cone embryo garnished with delicate goose turdlets in an aged lamb semen sauce.

Wake up babe! new companies to boycott just dropped

Any time I see a Tesla at this point I hear Seth Rollins' theme music blaring in my head.

Alright what absolute Shakespeare decided stool could mean both a place you sit and the shit from your butt? Cause you really stooled your butt on this one, buddy.