It's crazy how bald you get when you start losing your hair

When I watch movies on my phone I just pretend I'm sitting far away from the screen

Only about 45 more Christmases left in my life, thank God

Just got off the ohone with the Vatican and it turns out that, due to a clerical error, I was born without Original Sin. Nice!

Still can't believe you have to pay for electricity. Worst part of being an adult.

THIS IS A FAKE PIC!!!!

Hello I'm doing my solo show Shane of Fools in Whelan's on Sunday there's like 10 tickets left I forgot to tell ye on here Come! www.whelanslive.com/event/shane-...

I'm calling it now. We're going to win the World Cup

Imagine you got hit by a car and died and your loved ones checked your phone and the last thing you were listening to was the Kaiser Chiefs.

I hope my son eventually grows out of screaming before he falls asleep it will be embarrassing is he's still doing it when he's 46

You're telling me Frankenstein is a doctor?! That big smelly green dead guy?!

This is how bad things are on Twitter now even this got no likes

Trying to learn piano by writing the worst music ever on a tiny midi keyboard

Thank you Sunday Times

A GREAT Visor to the Criterion Closet today from Shane Clifford! 💫 Shanes picks: Jaws 3 She's All That Salo or the 120 Days of Sodom Getting Even with Dad Dunston Checks In Ernest Goes To Jail

The saddest part of the "But doc I AM Pagliacci!" joke is that the doctor signed him into a psychiatric ward cause he wasn't actually Pagliacci the Clown. He was a plasterer named Jim.

Seeing the sights in Liverpool a dream come true for any Beatles Fan

Goodnight everyone

Can't believe Catherine Connolly posted about my show tonight 😊

On a bus in West Cork and let me tell you things are getting crazy down here. First I drove past a spar with an Apache pizza in it and then about 30 mins later I saw a Lidl with a Domino's. Wtf is going on

Guy sitting across from me on the train bought four blueberry muffins from the trolley and told me his parents spirits are watching us from the end of the carriage.

@philbraun.bsky.social Maybe you should do Oasisthon instead

Getting depressed for a role

Having a great time celebrating my first wedding anniversary today. Thanks to my dad for the pic

Writing a musical version of Cormac McCarthys Child of God

@joeltemperlane.bsky.social easy money

Last tickets on sale for the Dublin debut of my new show this weekend in Vicar Street. I am buying sandpaper. I am sanding my show to perfection. You can get a ticket here: www.ticketmaster.ie/artist/11521...

Moms of blue sky when did you first start to notice signs that your baby was a communist?

I heard the reason they divorced is because Nicole Kidman cheated on Keith Urban with a guy called Dave Rural

"How about those Knicks?!"

I'm just gonna say it. There's too many Americans in town

Family day ❤️😍

Congrats to Rihanna and As Soon As Possible Rocky on the birth of their child

Room temperature

I'm in therapy AGAIN. For boring trauma stuff anyway my therapist specializes in Trauma and Neurodivergence. To cut a long story short she reckons that there is a very high likelihood I'm on the Autism spectrum based on things I've said and how I talk and act. But can't give an actual diagnosis.

The biscuits - snippet of play I'm writing about my life

Hello I am doing a show at the Dublin Fringe 15th to 20th. It'll be good! And funny! Tickets here: tinyurl.com/3khvvxuf

If I went back in time and met my 18 year old self I'd say "DON'T CHANGE A THING YOU END UP WITH A TIME MACHINE!"

Just took a selfie of me eating a Cornetto at night time 😂😂

Michelangelo's Alan

me on the beach

My doppelganger just sent me this. I hate that prick

Fuck society

Day 38 of Twin parenthood