Me: [commuting home] "Why am I seeing tracers? Did I accidentally do LSD, or is everyone driving with their brights on?" My glasses: [sitting at the spicy shop, wondering where the hell I am] I really wish the universe had cursed me with astigmatism *or* ADHD. Having both feels like persecution.

Last-minute chaos excitement! You've got until midnight to vote for your favorite occult book published in 2025. (The Chaos Apple is the 53rd listing.)

One of my employees went to the emergency room and told staff he was throwing up blood. Turns out, he legitimately had a stomach virus. But he also legitimately forgot about all the red jello shots he'd consumed before the bug kicked in. So that was fun for everyone involved.

My dad: "So it turns out your niece has some kind of joint disorder." Me: "That makes sense, what with her dad being double-jointed and all." My dad: "Wait, WHAT?!" Anyway, that's how the rest of the family found out my brother can dislocate his shoulders on command.

A group of drunk women just stumbled out of a gay bar down the street from the spicy shop, dressed as (in order of appearance) a sexy reindeer, a sexy Mrs. Claus, a sexy snowman, and a sexy gingerbread cookie. Not a sexy manger among them. The true meaning of Christmas really has been lost.

A few days ago, my neighbor was walking up the stairs to her apartment, where her kid was standing on the balcony yelling, "MA'AM. I'M GOING TO NEED TO SEE SOME I.D., MA'AM." Tonight, he was yelling, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS." 1/2

Last night, I dreamt that it happened today. Best sleep I've had in ages.

New episode out today with returning guest Thumper Forge @fivefoldlaw.bsky.social to chat about the wild ride of Raymond Buckland’s fiction and Thumper’s excellent new book The Chaos Apple.

Premiering now, in this episode of Exploration Arcanum I chat with @fivefoldlaw.bsky.social about Chaos Witchcraft, Discordianism, and Cultural Appropriation in the occult. #occultsky #witchsky youtu.be/FsYmgpHcGAk

Overheard at the spicy shop: "We used to be partners. I mean, not like sexual partners. Business partners. Well, sexual partners too."

Original art and anagram by @davezilla.bsky.social.

Customer: [pointing at two products] "What's the price difference between these?" Me: "The one on the left is $30, and the one on the right is $40." Customer: "So the one on the left is..." Me: Customer: Me: Customer: "... cheaper." Me: "Yes." But I can't judge. Math isn't my thing either.

Through a series of events involving the spicy shop and an ambitious but ill-conceived drag performance, "Golden" is now a holiday song. I don't make the rules.

It is currently 9:50 a.m. We open at 10:00. Our hours of operation are posted next to the entrance in a big, bold font, and our neon open sign is turned off. And yet, there is a customer on our porch, shoving the door and rattling the handle with all his might. 1/2

My favorite part of the holiday season is when Pentatonix mansplains Jesus.

Another thing I appreciate about the UU church I joined: The congregation claps for the choir.

Me: "Hello! What can I help you find today?" Customer: [deadly serious, standing a little too close] "I need to get something notarized." Me: "Great! Let me grab my stamp..." Customer: "JUST KIDDING. HA HA!" 1/2

Everyone else: [excited about pumpkin spice] Me, a gourmet, scream-singing "All I Want for Christmas Is You" in the middle of Walgreens:

When Rutherfordton officials denied a permit for a small Pagan-led vigil, citing undocumented restrictions and a coercive “Christian parade” alternative, High Priestex Mortellus confronted a system that limits minority-faith expression in a traditional public forum… wildhunt.org/2025/12/paga...

The UU church I recently joined has this part of the service where children can come up and sit on the steps leading up to the altar, and the minister joins them and reads them a (thematically relevant) story. 1/3

"I am a terror. I've been drinking in my trailer all morning." Just another fun assertion to be filed under Things I Probably Shouldn't Have Said on a Podcast.

The downside to joining a church (UU) with @sarahlcrowder.bsky.social is that she's in the choir, so I can't text her whenever something hilarious happens during the service.

Customer: "May I use your restroom?" Me: "Sure. It's right down that hallway." Customer: "Oh, thank you! A client made me drink an entire bottle of plum wine." And you know what? I do not get paid enough to judge or ask questions.

Customer 1: [pointing to something in a display case] "Have you ever tried this?" Customer 2: "Oh, God, no. I told you what happened in Fort Lauderdale, right?" Customer 1: "Ooh, yeah, you did." Customer 2: "Yeah. All that blood." Customer 1: "Toot toot!" Customer 2: "Beep beep!" 1/2

A customer, intoxicated on... something or other, wandered in, got confused by his surroundings, and decided that he worked here. So I told him it was closing time and held the door open for him, and he scurried right out. It was 11:30 a.m., but he didn't strike me as much of a clockwatcher.

Attractive customer: [flirts] Me: [blushes, flirts back] Random other customer: [leers creepily] Attractive customer: [notices, leaves quickly] Offscreen orchestra: [sad trombone]

If you're considering hexing someone. 1. Get salt, the person's name on a piece of paper, and a candle 2. Focus on your intention and accept the karmic weight you will be taking on. 3. Drop a piano on them

I got to read an advance copy of The Chaos Apple by Thumper Forge, and it was an absolutely delightful read that gave me some new ways to think about my magickal practice (and drastically improved my opinion of chaos magick and Discordianism). I highly recommend […] [Original post on kind.social]

So I'm currently watching a horror movie called "The Bayou," and it's not great, but it's also totally worth it, because METH GATORS. #MethGators

Oh, no. Their exes got together.

There's a drunk girl outside of my Airbnb screaming, "HIT ME, BITCH," at oncoming traffic while her friends half-drag her across the street. I am really starting to like this town, y'all. #ClevelandRocks

When the menu foretells your presentation on Discordianism. #DiscordianWitchcraft

It's my birthday, and I started the Chaos Apple by @fivefoldlaw.bsky.social 🎂🍎🎂🍏🎂 Unintentional gifts are the best kind.

Just left the polling station. Physically, I voted on Texas constitutional amendments. Spiritually, I voted for Zohran Mamdani.

Hey, look what just arrived in the mail! @fivefoldlaw.bsky.social

Nobody but me thinks it would be funny to call it D-CUUPS, and I have done my best to make peace with that. @sarahlcrowder.bsky.social

Why yes, I do have 31 books on my “Currently Reading” list. And yes, I am about to make it 32. It’s finally in my hands @fivefoldlaw.bsky.social. 🎉

Hey @fivefoldlaw.bsky.social ! Look what arrived today! Can't wait to dive in! #NewBooks #MagicLibrary #WitchSky

The new episode of BS-Free Witchcraft (featuring @fivefoldlaw.bsky.social ) is up for everyone, and we're tackling the weird anti-Wicca stuff on social media (and occasionally referencing Bring it On). Listen/Watch now wherever you consume your podcasts! www.bsfreewitchcraft.com/2025/10/25/8...

Me: "Hello! What can I help you find today?" Customer: "Oh, we're *literally* just looking around." And then they looked around. I dislike their reliance on extraneous adverbs but appreciate their transparency.

I enjoyed this conversation between @traegorn.bsky.social and @fivefoldlaw.bsky.social on the ignorant and hypocritical anti-Wicca rhetoric that’s popular on social media, particularly on TikTok. #PaganSky #WitchSky

Tonight, I managed to get myself locked out of the lobby of a performance venue, and the celebrity WHOSE SHOW I WAS THERE TO SEE had to ask security to please let me back in. So, y'know, either I've arrived, or I'm now on a watchlist. Possibly both.

Episode drops tomorrow for everyone, but Patreon patrons can listen right now! @fivefoldlaw.bsky.social joins me this month as we discuss the weird anti-Wicca backlash on Witchcraft social media www.bsfreewitchcraft.com #witchsky #witch #wicca #witchcraft

Me: "Hello! What can I help you find today?" Customer: "Hi! Where do you keep your 1980s aerobic instructor outfits?" I totally forgot it's the time of year when people decide we're a costume shop, and that is 100% on me.

Occult Grifters doing the Right Wing pivot and still getting burnt at the stake by the fundamentalist

We fed a bunch of AI generated Occult Texts to another AI generator and it just gave us this.

Me: "I think I'll grab a slice of cake after work." Employee: "Can you afford that?" Me: "Yes. I can afford cake." Employee: "But what about the money you have to give to your cult?" Me: "My... cult?" 1/2

The last time I had to get my labs done, the phlebotomist had trouble hitting a vein and suggested I might be a little dehydrated. So this time, I chugged five glasses of water right before my appointment. I am now known as the Bleeder. 🤘

I just listened to The Fate of Ophelia, and I have to say that I would totally dance to it in my basement while wearing a hand-sewn skinsuit. But, like, in a good way.