can anyone suggest a good name for my new cat? she's a little standoffish but I'm sure I'll have her living indoors soon enough

From The Archives: You People Made Me Give Up My Peanut Farm Before I Got To Be President theonion.com/you-peo...

doodle's mobile website layout was inspired by recipe bloggers. they did a great job, it really captures the same strong emotional response (desire to throw phone). and isn't that what art is?

a- almost? ALMOST always? i guess even skynet sees the value of a community college education

I bought a gift from a company that's using AI customer service. It hallucinated delivery dates: telling me dates in the past, then far in the future, then next week. Even worse... 🧵

my cat has big trump energy. he made a problem by prising open our cat door at 5am and letting raccoons in. after scaring the raccoons off, he presented himself as the hero with a pile of raccoon destruction behind him. there would have been no raccoons inside at all if not for you, Mr Noodle

when we first moved to an oak forest, I thought I would have to plant more oaks for future generations. what hubris! there were already caretakers here. the squirrels and scrub jays plant approximately 500 acorns a year, and my only job is to not destroy the saplings they grow. happy Earth Day

evergreen

so they're mycoblogging

🗽 PSA for naturalised citizens: If you never got a new social security card when you became a citizen, and your existing card has "valid for work only with ins/dns authorization" you are likely still in the Social Security database as a non-citizen.

¿Vives en La Ciudad de México? CDMX Google is hiring! 👩‍💻🇲🇽

getting ready to make five kids and a dozen local raccoons very happy

if you see me today please high-five me for the ultimate mid-30s achievement: I estimated my 2024 taxes almost perfectly

I am allergic to cats, but we can get outside mousers and keep them out of the house. Ok, they'll be indoors but not in my bedroom. Well, not in my bed. In the bed but only by my feet. On my head but I'll turn my face the other direction. Ok directly on my face

the most important step when purchasing something online is to leave it in your foyer or kitchen in an open box for 2-4 weeks so you can fully acclimate to each other. it's ideal if you place it somewhere that your feet go regularly so that you really get to know each other

thought I was going insane because the brand new box of raisin bran I bought last night had no raisins in it. turns out in the intervening 12h between night and morning my husband had eaten the WHOLE box and snuck out to get replacement cereal

👶🏼: give me a number 👩🏻: ok, 3 👶🏼: I'm giving you 256 👩🏻: great. what are we doing with these? multiplying them? 👶🏼: you can do whatever you want with yours, it's a gift

hotel designers heard our wish for more family time together. unfortunately, like mischievous genies, they took us too literally. my hotel room's toilet has no door and faces directly into the rest of the room so we can have time together while pooping

I have discovered something worse than traveling with a child with jet lag: it is traveling with a child who does not have jet lag whatsoever

a few years ago I snuck out of my family's hotel room for a nice quiet breakfast alone with a book. during this breakfast an 8ft tall man in a dog suit kept approaching me. this is how I found out I'd accidentally booked a character breakfast with Goofy for one

Dear all American men between 2000 and 2025, I apologize for making fun of your cargo pants. I got a pair of yardwork pants with side pockets, and I love them. I find that placing pockets higher on the leg with no flap is superior, but let us not argue about doctrine. Sincerely, A cargo convert

I'm intrigued by the backstory for this ad: two people, one meal. is the man going to watch his girlfriend eat a salad? do they alternate bites on the single fork? I, personally, only go to hotels where everyone gets their own set of utensils

When Capt Cook arrived in Hawaii in 1779, the Hawaiians were celebrating a festival. His ship sails happened to be shaped like a banner from their myth. This led to confusion. Can you imagine if Martians rolled up and their spaceship happened to look like the Starship Enterprise by coincidence?

expected number of turkeys on my roof: 0 actual number of turkeys on my roof: 6

what is wrong with my brain. why did I briefly consider whether I might need a hundred headless manikins

handy people, I need your advice. my umbrella tipped over in a windstorm and two of the long plastic pieces that support it broke. the store won't sell me just those pieces. my 3D printer is much too small. how can I substitute or manufacture a replacement?

The pigeons at the park are free you can take them home I now have one (1) pigeon

after $2500, two vet ER visits, and a lot of worry my cat just woke up and decided to eat like normal after neither eating nor drinking for four days. the vet says he had a cold. what a diva

like any chill, fun, and spontaneous person I park in the same spot at the train station every morning. it's far from the entrance so it's always empty; I never have to circle and therefore have a predictable, timed walk to the train. today someone parked in my spot and I hope they stub their toe

taught my kid how to whistle two weeks ago and have come to regret it every moment since

love to unlock my phone, open a news website, and softly say "oh no not another thing" 50 times a day

I read a book to my kid's class today and my conclusion is that second grade teachers are saints

I didn't eat the shrimp heads that came with my pad thai. the grey-haired waitress said "that is edible" and looked at me expectantly. after it became clear she was not going to leave, I...ate them. I may be 30sth but I cannot disobey an auntie telling me to finish my food

it finally happened: I needed an old connector cable

for only $395k this Berkeley house for sale has everything: - prime location - flooded basement - collapsed garage AND sunroom - house fell off foundation - tenants with lifetime leases - an inspection report that says "This is the worst property I've ever seen" www.corcoran.com/listing/for-...

can someone please tell me what my dog wants, he's being very subtle and I can't figure it out

every day when I get photos from my dog walker I wonder whether I could hire a person walker to take me out mid morning to see the sky

looking back, AOL had it right. 30 hours of internet per month was the right amount.

the new bart gates are impenetrable as long as no one thinks to turn slightly to their left and hop over the waist high fence like three guys just did lmao

excuse me

i sometimes regret having security cameras. I'm simply not meant to know what horrors of the night let themselves into my yard

gritty has seized control of the federal government

my husband is the most offline person alive. i just watched him text his brother, nod in satisfaction, turn off his phone, put it in a kitchen drawer, and then go outside. he did not even wait for an answer to his text

my collection of 3am cat gifts is starting to get out of hand

as I'm watching Severance, something felt too familiar. really, personally, eerily familiar. like I had been there before in a dream. (do I have an innie???) TIL it's filmed in the office building that my dad worked in when I was a young kid

before doing PT, I emptied my pockets onto a little side tray. five minutes later, i see the physical therapist slide my keys to the side, pick up my single piece of gum, unwrap it, and chew it. this is the most terrifying power move I've ever seen. yes ma'am I will do my stretches this week

our utilities provider sends me an email every month praising us for our efficient use of natural gas. i love the validation but do note that we don't have a natural gas hookup at our house

I'm supposed to be gathering berries in a forest but instead every day robots attempt to seduce me to get to one of my credit cards

attempting to describe the vibes of the moment. have yet to do better than: "imagine watching a documentary reenacting the burning of the Library of Alexandria set to the soundtrack of 'Yakety Sax'"

there are rappers who have been shot who didn’t lose a rap battle this badly