I had to take my pet dog Cillin to the vet because he ate a plate. Poor Cillin. #LunchPun

[Ringing Microsoft Support] “I’m the PA to the famous Danger Zone singer, and he can’t get into his email account.” “Kenny Loggins?” “No, that’s the problem, he can’t.” #LunchPun

“Someone reported me to the RSPCA because they thought I was keeping my pet rabbit cooped up.” “What did you do?” “I made a run for it.” #LunchPun

Where you going? Wrexham I can take you as far as Shrewsbury? Tidy

Dress smart

The world’s fastest talker was John Moschitta Jr, who could articulate 586 worlds per minute and spoke all of the lyrics to Michael Jackson’s Bad in just 20 seconds. Still only half as fast as the guy who reads out the terms and conditions on radio adverts.

I bought a book about Henry VIII in Tesco via the self checkout. “Unexpected item in the bad king area,” it said. #LunchPun

Camping and dolphins are very similar, for all in tents and porpoises. #LunchPun

How did someone coin a phrase before the phrase “to coin a phrase” was invented? #Showerthoughts

If I had half a mind to give someone a piece of my mind, how much mind should I give them? #showerthoughts

While on my way back from collecting my latest batch of amphetamines, I was pulled over by the police. "Do you know what speed you were doing?" asked the policeman. “No," I said, "I've changed my supplier." #LunchPun

When out on a pub crawl the other night and got so drunk that I split beer on my new watch. Fortunately, it says it's resistant to 10 bars. #LunchPun

“My employer owns some landscape paintings that were apparently painted on TV. I’m thinking about stealing one.” “Rob boss?” “Yeah, that’s him.” #LunchPun

In Star Wars: A New Hope, Greedo would have shot his blaster but he lacked the necessary Han die coordination. #LunchPun

“I hear that bus tours around the pyramids of Egypt have become more expensive.” “Since the fare rose?” “Don’t be ridiculous.” #LunchPun

new gender neutral greeting just dropped

I went to a mental arithmetic competition the other day. My first three answers were fortieth, twenty hundred and eleventeen. The other contestants did way better, I was only there to make up the numbers. #LunchPun

News: A man wanted for impersonating a police officer has turned himself into the police. #LunchPun

Neophyte - something you see a lot of in The Matrix. #UxbridgeEnglishDictionary

People think I’m quite aloof because I’m always thinking about my next invention. My dad was always thinking about inventing bathroom accessories, he was aloofer. #LunchPun

Dedication - a zombie holiday #UxbridgeEnglishDictionary

To whoever stole my glasses, I’ll find you. I have my contacts. #LunchPun

I used Prince, Queen and The Kings of Leon in my YouTube videos until someone told me I had to use royalty-free music.

[Museum] “Can I buy this 14th-century habit?” “Why would you want that?” “Nun of yore business.” #LunchPun

“What kind of clothes does the Michelin Man wear?” “A tyre?” “Okay, what kind of attire does the Michelin Man wear?”

I’ve found the perfect martial art for me. It’s called No Kan Do.

Which celebrity chef measures in at over seven feet? Heston Bloomin’ Tall. #LunchPun

“Welcome to the conference for men called Justin. You’re Justin time.” “I bought this Justin case.” “Where are the other Justins?” “Justin side.”

I’ve been subscribing to Tobacco Coloured Sandals magazine for several years now. I’ve got lots of baccy shoes. #LunchPun

“I went on Bargain Hunt once but lost a lot of money.” “Fleeced?” “Yeah. They gave me a red one.” #LunchPun

What were sabre-toothed tigers called before sabres were invented? #showerthoughts

I’ve finally kicked my addiction to chocolate. It’s been a Rocky Road but people can now Wispa the Topic without me being a Flake. #Chocolate

Ah, the four kinds of chocolate - dark, milk, white and, err… milk again.

Evri song to the tune of Blame It on the Boogie. 🎶 Don’t leave it in the wheelie bin Don’t leave it on the porch roof Don’t leave it with my neighbour’s cat Leave it on the door step I just can’t, I just can’t, I just can’t control parcels 🎶 #Evri

I read an article about the dangers of smoking and it made me so anxious I needed a cigarette to calm down.

[Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?] “Which of these is not a lyric from Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody?” “And now I’ve gone and thrown it all away, final answer.”

Why do I get the impression that Wile. E. Coyote is behind this, somehow?

A member of the A-Team walks into a bar and asks for a cup of traditional Chinese tea. “Why Oolong, Face?” says the barman. #LunchPun

I like sharpening pencils, up to a point.

I’m trying to raise money to build a country out of bread. Would anyone like to make a dough nation? #LunchPun

genie: and for your last wish? me: I wish I could talk to animals [later at the zoo] elephant: get me the fuck out of here gorilla: get me the fuck out of here giraffe: get me the fuck out of here

They obviously cared if Jimmy cracked corn otherwise they wouldn’t have written a song about it. #Showerthoughts

Whenever I start to feel anxious I immediately have another coffee and scroll through the worst news imaginable on my phone and omg it does not help at all

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Funerals should have a bit where they ask the congregation to speak up if there’s any lawful reason why the dead person shouldn’t be buried

“I saw a TV on display in Currys’ showing a pasta advert. I liked it so much I decided to buy it, but the assistant couldn’t remove the security badge.” “Untag the telly?” “No, fusilli.” #LunchPun

Pringles were invented by Crispin Tube. #Humoursky

Cowboy: “I’d like to book a check-up with my GP, please. At your south London branch.” Receptionist: “A routine Tooting appointment?” Cowboy: “…” #LunchPun

“I’m hoping to bring together a group of people to sing in church.” “A choir?” “Okay, I’m hoping to acquire a group of people to sing in a church.” #LunchPun