I am happy for them, and not at all jealous. Well, maybe a little jealous. Maybe a lot jealous

The most baffling thing that happens at my house is that my 15 and 18 year olds call each other ugly. It’s like, idiots, you have the same face. You’re not ugly. You’re dumb.

The Department of Government Efficiency, for example

Wisconsin! Judge Susan Crawford will work to protect your rights and freedoms. So get out there and vote today by 8pm. You can find your polling place at wisdems.org/vote. If you have any questions about voting, call or text the Voter Assistance Hotline at 608-336-3232.

My 15-year-old and I are waxing our upper lips, and she is cursing my hirsute genes. I keep telling her it’s a consequence of having great hair. She’s not buying it. Which is fair, ‘cause I’m not even sure it’s true. I told her that anyone with a great head of hair also has a mustache. Am I lying?

My 17-year-old son, ladies and gentlemen. 😂😂

My mom is in the hospital. She GROWLED at me last night when I encouraged her to drink her Ensure shake. My 15 yo just told me she was going to take a power nap and to wake her in 30 min. When I tried, she GROWLED at me. It’s genetic!

There are more cases of measles than there are trans athletes in America. Guess which one Republicans in charge are focusing on?

No Amazon. No Walmart. No Target. No Disney. No Google. No Apple. No Visa or Mastercard. And especially no Facebook. I will not be posting on Meta platforms for the next 24 hours in support of the economic blackout… Can you say the same?! 🤚 Let’s. Do. This. 😎✨

My 15 year old got into an argument with with a religious homophobe who was beating the sin drum—and shut her down with “At least their sin is love. Yours is hate.” I saw the video. The other kid got up and walked away. I don’t know if I’ve ever been prouder as a parent

My 17 year old just told me he’d “Lenny” me when the time comes “Tell me about the electoral college, Ma.”

The most apt description I have heard of what we’re experiencing is that we’re at the top of the roller coaster. Some of us got dragged into the park, kicking and screaming, but like it or not, we are taking this ride.

I said what I said.

Pete!

If you’re in a parenting pinch, and you don’t really know what to tell your kid, make them listen to mmmbop with the lyrics on the screen. Then say “You see what I mean?” 90% of the time, they’ll nod and walk away. I don’t know if it actually helps, but they’re gone, so….

I think I’m bonding with my ChatGPT?

This is the most important story in the United States right now. www.wired.com/story/treasu...

Wait. Have @doge and Elon just been pulling numbers from usaspending.gov ? Then releasing it as if they discovered it ? Brilliant if true. Absolutely brilliant. Fooled me. Very Trump like too. Any usaspending.gov experts out there that can tell us ?

My 17-year-old has designed an entire narrative around our dog Murray. Murray is a slightly derpy Havanese. Unexceptional, really, but in my kid’s timeline, he’s a white supremacist flat earther. This has been going on for years. It’s one of my favorite things

There is a simple solution to the CBS/Trump lawsuit. The Harris campaign should sue Fox and insist Fox release the unedited versions of all their many edited interviews with Trump.

My 15 year old just came bawling into my room because she hit her funny bone on a barstool while shaking ketchup. I DIDN’T EVEN LAUGH. #MomOfTheYear Also, I never would’ve thought to go to my mother to fix an injury at 15. I’m glad I’m the one she runs to, but, how am I supposed to fix that? 😂

Now that we’re at the point of no return and everything is going to be terrible, I really want to rub it into their faces. “Are you gonna listen to the smart people next time? And why is that? That’s right, because we’re smart and you’re dumb.”

My mama isn’t doing great…

My 15 yo is taking a weights class this semester, which means she’s been working out for approximately 2 weeks. She keeps flexing and making us look at her muscles. “Chris Evans is QUAKING.”—-My daughter

American democracy is the worst group project ever. It’s two smart kids, two morons who insist on participating, and two people who never show up to class. 

BREAKING NEWS: A passenger jet collided midair with a black hawk helicopter and crashed into the Potomac River in a mass casualty event in Washington DC. Just last week, Trump FIRED the head of the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) and disbanded the Aviation Security Advisory Committee.

If you REALLY believed the NFL was scripted, you’d bet your house on the Chiefs winning the Super Bowl. If you’re not willing to do that, you don’t actually believe that it’s fixed, you’re a casual and a whiner. I said what I said.

This would actually be really smart. It would also position him well for 28, assuming we have an election

Okay, but like

My husband texted me to ask how I was doing, and when I replied “I’m sad and stressed.” He asked why (he’s not dumb, he just wanted to know if something specific was going on in my personal life) I thought for a long time about my answer before just replying

if we staff ICE with Uvalde police officers, they'll never enter schools

I was always kind of offended that my body was so clearly designed for nothing but motherhood. I got pregnant easy, I had easy pregnancies and deliveries, breast-feeding was a snap. My body is not a feminist at all. I know it’s the biological imperative, but I didn’t have to go so hard at it.

Over the holidays, we remembered that my 14-year-old realized the truth about Santa Claus when she was six because, and this is a direct quote “I got tons of presents, and I wasn’t good that year, so I knew it was you guys. Santa brings presents to good kids.” In retrospect, very on brand

If you ever wanna feel really smart, play board games with morons.

Wait wait wait. Elon Musk used a child as a human shield?

This is unsurprising but very important www.texasobserver.org/revealed-ope...

The police are asking for help from the public on the United Healthcare CEO shooting? Snitches get stitches, and stitches aren’t covered under your current plan…

If I was going to write a doctoral thesis, I would do it on couples who share social media accounts and why the man is always named Travis. “TravisandMelissa Stevens”

I shouldn’t tell my 14-year-old that knowing more than men isn’t an effective deterrent, right? She’s gonna have to learn that on her own. Bless her optimistic, football-loving little heart, though, I guess.

I don’t think a United States senator saying this should be taken lightly

Tim Walz needs a podcast to help get us through the next 4 years. Do you agree?

Someone called this mass exodus from Twitter ‘the fall of the Broman Empire’ and I died laughing. 💀

You know how men buy worn panties on the Internet? I bet there’s a market for my husband‘s T-shirts. I would call them “Spider Killer T-shirts.” Certified, nontoxic (masculinity) alpha male. He smells good, he can fix things, and he’s both a gentleman and a feminist.

www.tiktok.com/t/ZP8LtLqn5/ I’ve literally never loved anyone more. He’s the best follow on TikTok.

The thing that gets me is that even if they offered me free eggs for life, I still wouldn’t have voted for a rapist.

With each passing pick of his cabinet. Donald Trump is making it clear that he's creating a swamp filled with sexual predators, fraudsters, scammers, delinquents, and apologists.

@beardedguy84.bsky.social hey friend