I read just now that Henry Ford, arguably the most famous car maker of all time, said "You can't build a reputation on what you're GOING to do." Elon Musk, arguably the most famous modern car maker, has managed to do exactly that. Their respective shittiness aside, it's an interesting change.

New installment in the "Female/Location" extended universe just dropped...

Billy Connolly always claimed he was a welder in his youth, but startling new evidence has come to light...

Chief Google fuckwit Sundar Pichai has warned that "if the A.I. bubble bursts" it will affect every industry. This implies he's hoping for some sort of infinite bubble that never pops?! That's... not how bubbles work, Sundar. They always pop. You could Google it, if you hadn't fucked that, too...

I did the writing, again. buttondown.com/TheHainesRep...

I really don't understand what the product is trying to say... You stood on the shoulders of giants to achieve a sandwich filling, and now you've patented it, packaged it, slapped it on a plastic lunchbox... Pork... Finds a way.

It's literally fucking Armistice Day and Britain is promising to defend Belgium from foreign aggressors. Time is a flat circle.

I always forget to plug this, but: It's Podcast day! We're looking at House of Dynamite, a cinematic hybrid of Red Alert and blue balls. theartshole.podbean.com/e/house-of-d...

SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE STOPPED MEANING IT BY THE SECOND PROMPT!!! Even his own billion dollar AI is sick of him!

If you've ever wondered how close you can get to a lawsuit without actually triggering one - a kind of Law Edging, if you will - then this place seems determined to find out.

That asshole from Dilbert dead yet, or what...?

is there a Balls Cheney

I really, sincerely wish that Andrew Tate would just get over himself and have the gay sex he so clearly wants and needs. And then that he'd die of a painful cancer, because he's a rapist con man who has done irreparable damage to the world. But he does also need to admit he's gay.

If there's any justice, right now Dick Cheney is being "accidentally" shot in the face by a million Iraqis, one after another, before being made to apologise and then waking up in the forest again...

Go home, Doritos, you're drunk...

I don't care what the recipe is. I don't care if you're giving me details of a potion that will make me live forever and grow my dick two inches. I don't care if it's a cure for cancer. If you're using cups as a measurement, I'm out.

Watching the original Muppet movie. Richard Pryor is in this, and it's from 1979, meaning there was almost certainly more crack on the set of The Muppet Movie than I would have predicted...

I wrote a thing. You can read it here. buttondown.com/TheHainesRep...

One of the most unpleasant parts of writing about politics in the UK is how often I have to Google an image of Nigel Farage. It's expensive, too, because afterwards I have to burn my fucking laptop and wave sage around my living room...

Finally playing the Spider-Man game from a couple of years ago. It's great on multiple levels, except that there are a lot of Mary Jane levels. "You know what people would love in this Spider-Man game? Playing as Spider-Man's girlfriend, who doesn't have any super powers!"

I'm not allowed to call myself the Duke of York, either. I also never raped an underage girl, so the fact that me and Andrew are now on level footing still feels like a bit of a slap in the face to us non-rapist/non-paedophiles.

For some reason, the rules of Mute Club start at number three...

Why does this picture make it look like Trump is the wacky neighbour in a sitcom?! "Did somebody say 'fat, orange racist' ?!"

This four part documentary series could have been an email... #TrueHaunting

Disney Prime is saddened at the news that Diane Keaton has la dee died. One of the most popular Keatons of her generation, Diane accrued countless awards, including an Academy Award for Best Actress in Annie Hall (1977) for making an ugly, self-absorbed, unfuckable pedophile seem merely neurotic.

And Ian Watkins has been murdered in jail. Everywhere you look, paedophiles are having a bad day...

RIP to Diane Keaton, one of the better Keatons, kept off the top spots only by never being Batman or having a house fall on her while standing where the little window will land.

"Strong, Secure & Reliable!" "Fragile!" Make your mind up, assholes...

Sad to see that Patricia Routledge has kicked the bouquet...

[Interior, FBI Crime Lab, Scully & Mulder look over The Grinch's corpse in the autopsy room] Scully: Odd, his heart appears to have been 3 sizes larger than normal, but there's stretch marks on his aorta, as if it grew suddenly. What could've done this? Mulder: Not what, who. Cindy Lou Who.

This referenced Boglins and Crazy Bones and made me wonder if somehow @merrittk.com had the exact same childhood as me.

i wrote about this wretched little freak

There's new Jordan Harper out soon, and my handful of followers will doubtless ignore that Harper is my favourite contemporary crime writer. Prove me wrong by getting excited about this!

Look at this ad and tell me Robbie Williams isn't planning on fingering that cat.

Stephen King used to understand what was terrifying: Normal people. Then he sobered up and decided that what was terrifying was actually some external force acting upon people. When really, some of us still need substances to dissociate from the fact that NORMAL PEOPLE ARE JUST FUCKING TERRIFYING.

Saw a rose in someone's garden that looks like a miserable face.

Movie mashup idea: Golden I, Tonya. A gifted figure skater tries to escape her trailer trash background by stopping Sean Bean's embittered rogue agent from stealing a new satellite weapon...

You used to get proper circus acts, back in the day. Just firing a live panther right at a guy. That was it. That was the act.

More like Robert DECEASED ford, amIright?! ...wait, I fucked that up...

Anytime Fitness closed near me, and booked it out of town so fast they left the remains of their sign on the kerb. I guess the name is because they could disappear at Any Time?!

Pringles tubes apparently no longer have metal bottoms, and the world continues down the worst of all possible paths...

They have, in a hopeful sign, cancelled the live action versions of The Aristocats and Tangled. This made me think about Rapunzel as a myth, and that she supported a grown man in armour as he climbed up her hair. Realised that that woman must have had a neck like 90s Mike Tyson.

John Cena is such a great actor. Not remotely kidding. He is both a really good actor and has a brilliant face for screen - a mix of iron-jawed, classic handsome and beaten up, hangdog sadness. He can be a steely, leading man and a wounded puppy. He does both perfectly in Peacemaker.

...how would that even work?!

If you've never got drunk and posted something regrettable, then go fuck your Amish self.

Saw a post speculating that Trump has deteriorated to the point that they won't let him in front of cameras because he isn't capable of speaking coherently, and honestly, how would we tell?!

In all this "Trump is dead/stepping down/announcing his dementia" discourse we're ignoring that these idiots can't keep a secret for five seconds. If it was anything major, some White House flunky would accidentally text it to the New York times or send a death certificate to the wrong WhatsApp.

I don't understand why Google maps still uses a Mercator projection. I don't understand why nobody else cares. Sigh.

Do you think Kayaking magazines have a ca-news section?

Chocolate mushrooms from Japan prove, once again, that they're years ahead of us out there.