A miniature golf course with Disney World-level imagineering.

Today is 4/21, or "Stoners Who Can't Read a Calendar Day"

Thanks to a layoff and a brutal job market I can personally say I experienced this tenfold. I'm way worse off than I was a year ago.

"The Scottish island of Summerisle, home of the best fruit in Britain. The first thing you notice? No churches. The farmers here practice a fascinating form of pre-Christian worship…and I just learned I'll be playing the lead role in their annual May Day festival. First stop: my costume fitting."

Guy pitching the idea for submarines: “What if boat sank… on purpose.”

You bet your ass I’m DTF. (Down To watch Friends).

I once got detention for putting down “Slutty Wario” as my dream job.

DHS Secretary TedSteve Mulberry

I'm sorry "Markwayne" is right up there with "Braxton-Lynn" in the Millennial Bullshit Name rankings.

Japanese Use This Trick to Reduce Sleep Apnea (It's Orgasm!)

Disconnected and uninstalled OneDrive from my computer. Feeling purified.

*Entering a prompt into ChatGPT* How do I make computer respect me?

Me: *Posts a picture of an apple* Comment 1: "Ah, the fruit known as apple." Comment 2: "This brings back so many memories!!!" Comment 3: "I HOPE YOU GET AIDS"

sorry i missed the virtual meeting on discord, liz. i got hit with the id verification that happens when the app detects youre young

Even weirder is selling it to Jeff Bezos "for research."

Tough night for Pats fans. Zero points scored, halftime show wasn't in English, and your best player’s last name is “Gonzalez“

In an act of desperation Kid Rock names Up With People as the only act for his Not Super Bowl Halftime Show.

Clapping my flippers together and honking like a harbor seal when a Super Bowl ad for a condiment or gambling app featuring two celebrities unexpectedly reveals a third celebrity as its punchline. Bouncing a ball around on my snout. My wife has to throw me a herring to get me to calm down.

*Enters confessional booth* Hello Father. Long time prayer, first time listener...

Punxsutawney Phil gaslights Americans, claims "shadows aren't real."

I genuinely suspect young adults in about ten years will look at Obama's presidency the way Millennials/Zoomers look at Reagan's today.

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

Yeah no Bovino getting canned isn’t good enough. This entire bullshit operation is Stephen Miller’s doing. Sending his ass to the curb is the bare minimum.

I love it when the local news goes "we're declaring this a WEATHER ALERT DAY." Gives me nostalgia for when Homeland Security used to tell us what color the threat level was. "TODAY IS ORANGE. BE AWARE."

I say it's about time that we cast aside the COASTAL ELITISTS (nurses and moms) and stand up and salute the REAL HEROES of America (illiterate chodes with guns who are scared of nurses and moms).

I swear to god every person in this administration is this guy.

All I'm saying is if Kamala was elected ICE would only be able to murder you if they had previously received a Pell Grant and the shooting occurred in an approved business zone.

Ok time to see what lies we get fed today.

I truly don't want to hand it to the national media, but 99% of the time when I see a "why isn't the media covering this" post the answer is that the media is covering it

Nothing from the 70s was actually yellow or brown, that's just residue from all of the cigarette smoke.

This is actually a weirdly boring time to specialize in International Relations because there's no actual intellectual substance to any of this. Like, yeah, man. Shit's fucked. Fucker's nutso. That sort of insight is why I'm a fancy-pants political scientist you should all respect and consult.

If I give the bully my lunch money every day eventually he will die of old age

Annoying people when they talk about AI in real life by shouting "GROK, EXPLAIN!"

BREAKING: Trump orders National Guard to seize Los Angeles, will return control if Hollywood makes another "Cannonball Run" movie.

Woof, to be a Bills fan right now. - Had the two teams who are responsible for ruining their Super Bowl chances the past few years miss the playoffs but... - Fail to reach the Conference Championship because their star QB went crazy with the turnovers. - Fired their best head coach since the 90s...

*About to log in to social media* Ah yes, it's time to become Angry.

C’mann we all remember David Blaine.

If you want to stick with that metaphor then remember it's the role of the job applicant to convince the interviewer that they're better for the job and Kamala did an absolute trash job at that.

Growing up in Mid-Michigan I had to do that with *literally* any movie. Hell, I couldn't even see something like "Prometheus" without driving two cities over.

When Katie Couric took over as anchor back in '06 all of the old guard went out of the way to leak stuff to the press and she's 100 times the newsperson Bari Weiss is.

It’s a TV show with the worst fixed camera angles known to man. It’s the production values of a local current events show. Everyone is live via satellite from a basement.

"I spoke to people who don't like turkeys falling on them from the sky. I also received emails from people who thought turkeys could fly. It's not my job to tell you what to think, but to tell you that we have to keep things decent. Take care of yourselves... and each other."

“THE WORDLE. YOU SOLVED IT. WE CAME.”

Thanks Ted, tell them that.

They don’t even wait for the papers, honey. They just grab you in Target and beat you.

Questions 1-5 will be "Can I call you President Daddy?"

I love that the Times spent multiple paragraphs on Bari Wife’s… err I mean Bari’s Wife.

I look forward to the Dem 2028 position of "Abolish ICE for all agents who start a business that operates for three years in disadvantaged communities"

Facebook has been serving me posts of people doing "maintain the process of the catch" levels of replay with that ICE shooting video to justify that poor woman's murder and I am sick to my stomach. What a rotten, rotten worldview to have.