South American barrista very confused by what he heard as a request for 'white ice'. Old geezer with old-fashioned, now seldom-heard kind of East-End accent was actually saying 'I want ice'.

🎉 Great news! In line with Government strategy, we’ve closed our Humanities Staff Room and replaced it with a Cake Shed. The new facility offers colleagues an exciting opportunity to enjoy a £4.95 slice of Victoria sponge while not reflecting on Victorian literature.

Prophesy! www.biblegateway.com/passage/?sea...

Me: Have you got any of that... GWR train trolley bloke: Fruit cake? Me: How? Him: It's what we're known for. Not late trains. Not overcrowding. Cake. Fruit cake. #TrainBanter

It may have cooled down but apparently wet food is still poison.

[Panicking] Please define 'regularly' 'use' and 'normal everyday life's to help me complete this task.

Basic hayfever makes sense. Pollen up nose - sneeze. Annoying but logical. But related allergies are just bizarre. Ate a cucumber portion on a dry and windy day so now I can write words on my arm. It just seems so fake.

Still absolutely sick of my thesis

Suggestion: all CEO's, founders, squillionnaires etc should have to spend one hour a week in their own customer service department dealing with complaints.

Today I have scrolled through my phone

Deigning to be in the same room as the air conditioner, but watching it closely to make sure it doesn't get up to anything.

Treated Kit to a can of tuna so he's got something special to ignore

In the most air-conditioned Starbucks available consuming a Frappuccino. A kid very politely what the time was, and my mouth was so numb with cold he couldn't understand my slurred answer🤣

Does anyone not have a headache?

It's noon, I've just woken up, and I'm ready to go back to sleep

There was some air conditioning and few people, so it was fine. I upgraded myself to a better seat for the second half, as did pretty much everyone else.

He's not the only one.

Cat air conditioning.

"Do I feel ill because of the heat, or do I feel ill because of the no sleep because of the heat?" - a nation asks

Google 'Bone Jovi cat'

Off for another day being gaslighted

Please, Lord, I already too hot

26 degrees in the flat. The coolest it's been all night

Time to get up from a night's no sleep

Not great day at work, watching an ancient episode of Minder to take my mind off it and guess where this one was filmed 🙄

Already not feeling great, and now Petula Clark is on the radio so also awash with guilt for pouring scorn on Laura Clark at primary school for saying she was her great neice, and realising in adulthood she was telling the truth. Sorry Laura Clark. And Laura's great aunt Petula.

Kit is still on his "wet fud is poison" lark.

Be interesting to know my weight before and after this journey on a Boris bus to see how much weight I have sweated out.

It's hotter than hell in central London and guess what:

Why is tea from Greggs so disappointing? It feels like a place that should serve really great builder's brew, but it's always a bit weak and the milk is skimmed uht. Sort it out guys!

Still trying to figure out if one of last night's lightning bolts really was red, or if it was because I was seeing it through closed eyelids and what I could actually see was my own blood being lit up.

40,000 words. Glad I didn't make myself hit this self-imposed target last night, given that it's 5pm and it's taken all day to get there.

Until 2020 the local kids used to play football outside day and night, and I was rather saddened that the habit hadn't really come back after covid. Anyway, suffice to say the world cup has restarted 24 hour-kickabout with a vengeance :)

I am so sick of my thesis

Gareth Southgate for Prime Minister. Let's make this happen people. Now is our chance.

Can anyone explain to me why last night I thought it would be a good idea to buy a theatre ticket for Thursday, when it is predicted to be 38°c?

Petition: tow the earth further away from the sun

Sat on the balcony to eat my dinner, and I do not want to go inside to resume writing. It's currently lovely out here, even if my sweet peas have gone straight to seed without flowering.

you may be a wholesome example to all people

So many novels discount themselves because of the lack of female muppets, which is a huge problem society needs to take more seriously imho

Today in Starbucks I saw a dog in a dog-pram being given a puppucino. The dog was delighted. His owner was delighted. It was all extremely wholesome and their lowkey delightedness was joyously infectious.

I'm in this post and I don't like it

Found it!

How hot is it in London today? I haven't had a cup of tea since breakfast, 9 hours ago.

Update: it was really really bad indigestion. Feeling a mixture of embarrassed and relieved. Also better, thanks to industrial strength antacids.

Just seen an ad for the #CallTheMidwife prequel, and the doctor is called... Dr Kit. Bookies' favourite declined to comment on casting.

@secondmentions.com 'The not immediately appealing but downright delicious Scottish delicacy' www.euronews.com/culture/2026...

Thanks to the world cup I have been able to deduce that my upstairs neighbours are Colombian (I heard cheering, and Colombia just scored). Relieved I never asked which bit of Venezuela they were from.