Admissions Teams accepting students through Clearing

Okay fine, we’ve got places in Psychology, Law and Medicine.

It looks like you’re trying to find a creative marketing angle for your disappointing NSS results. Would you like me to start?

“My tears were actually tears of joy at our stable financial position”, claims Director of Finance during hastily arranged all-staff webinar, flanked by VC and DVC.

We have discovered overnight that our new £400k Smart Window™ system at Kent Campus opens automatically to the sound of thunder. A clean up operation is currently underway.

If you have a grievance with the University, our complaints procedure is simple and effective - you can register a complaint using forms A24, S12, BA69, and QAQ7668 within 12 hours of the incident.

Students are kindly reminded to remove post-it note artwork from their windows before this weekend’s open day.

Reply All: A Short Story (CCed Durham) ➡️ bantshire.github.io/story-email.html

Finally jumping on the trend…

Following disappointing application numbers, the Vice-Chancellor has unveiled our new entry tariffs.

We’re upgrading our historic Great Lawn to use durable ArtiGrass™, helping to save on maintenance costs and improve aesthetics.

Happy #WorldBookDay 📚

“Have you said thank you once?” shouts the Student Loans Company at tearful student after latest statement of £45,000

Slava Ukraine 🇺🇦

“We throb knowledge, we pulse excellence.”

NEWS: We’re reviewing our partnership with Trump University.

Our new AI model ‘DeepBant’ is programmed to end all conversations with an unconditional offer.

UPDATE: Secret shoppers from our recent Open Day will file their report on our catering as soon as they’re discharged from hospital.

NEWS: Students from Bantshire have found a clever way to keep their roof free from snow this winter 👏

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas and please complete your mandatory e-learning by 31 December.

Colleagues, please do not refer to our Emeritus Professors as ‘The Ghosts of Christmas Past’, thank you. ^HR

NEWS: The Office for Students (OhffS) has approved The University of Bantshire’s request to change its name to University of The United Kingdom.

We’re excited to announce Yang Tengbo as our new Chancellor following the stepping down of Chancellor Gregg Wallace last month.

Congratulations on your graduation 👏

⚠️ LOST: Graduation Marquee ⚠️ Last seen floating over library. If found please call Dara in Estates #StormDaragh

Colleague in the South West of England will have just received a siren warning on their phone to alert them of tonight’s Inaugural Lecture.

48% of our research is recognised as research (REF, 2021)

Bantshire Nursery apologises for the unfortunate positioning of “My Daddy is a Giant” at the recent Dads’ Day.

We categorically deny that the photos in our prospectus were AI-generated.

Campus in the snow #PicOfTheDay

After a lot of consideration, we’ve decided to leave our virtual learning environment. There are too many students on there asking for help.

NEWS: Research paper on jetties hasn't been pier reviewed.

NEWS: Researcher who visited North and South Pole is diagnosed as bipolar.

LATEST: Archaeologist's career is in ruins.

The tuition fee rise will mean we can finally remove half of the asbestos from the Student Welfare Hub by 2029.

Congratulations to Bantshire alumna Kemi on becoming the Conservatives leader for the next 3-6 months 👏

⚠️ Due to the clocks change, our ANPR cameras have fined all staff and students who have parked in our car parks between 8am - 9am this morning. Unfortunately the fines cannot be cancelled, but 3% will go back into improving the student experience.

NEWS: We’ve waivered all English Language tests for international students. Apply now.

Our operating costs per student, per month.

Lecture capture goes pay-per-view! Only 99p per lecture, or £19.99 a month.

We’re unsure how much international student recruitment is down because our spreadsheet cannot report in minus thousand percentages.

SALE: Up to 20% off the entry requirements for “ology” courses (T&Cs, new students only).

Asking your most enthusiastic student ambassador to talk after the VC at an open day.

Following our successful rebrand, we’ll be replacing all signage - which wasn’t replaced after our last rebrand in 2019 - by 2027.

As we predicted in 2020 (although we were slightly off with the size) 🦆

When you order a £5 jug of water from Delivered Catering and don’t want to see it go to waste.

NEWS: Following recent storms, we’ve renamed Lakeside Campus as Lake Campus.

⚠️ Due to an issue with Excel we have lost all postgraduate student data. Please can all seven students get in touch with us ASAP.

Please stop emailing us questions about your timetables. They’re on schedule to be delivered three weeks after lectures start.

Q: Can we turn on the office heating? A: Please complete this e-learning package about wearing layers and ask us again in March.