Got my Covid booster & flu shot too! 💉💉

Responsible slut? Show me the HoFax

Remind me to never come to the gym at 6am again. There are like 4 people within eyesight/earshot that are separate but being collectively obnoxious

WFH days are BACK for me. It’s 5:30am and I’ve already got emails written, plans for the day, I know what my calendar looks like and everything Ugh I’ve missed this!

I’ve been to the gym, had my coffee, put away dishes, washed sheets and started meal prepping Then I realized it’s only 8am. PRODUCTIVITY QUEEN

less harry potter more hairy otters

I’ll say this again for the uninformed: SIDEWALKS ARE FOR WALKING, BIKE LANES ARE FOR BIKES AND LIME SCOOTERS The next smooth brained idiot to start dinging their bell on their scooter behind me ON THE SIDEWALK is getting kicked in the neck

Good mor—-what the fuck

Anyways, I got to go to Pier 88 with my mom and dad last night. So many laughs😂so much shrimp🍤

ARE. YOU. FUCKING. KIDDING. ME?!?!? Who authorized this? Did congress vote on this? What was the threat?

I’m so bad about visiting my parents regularly, but I get to hang out with them Friday after work! 🤗

I feel like Bsky is equal parts mental health and genital wealth; be yourself 🫂🥰

Pump went CRAZY this morning💪🏾

When you crash out at the office and your boss knows what’s up☕️

disassociating! at the Teams meeting

Pump went CRAZY this morning💪🏾

Durian

Turns out I wasn’t depressed, I was just dehydrated

Ask, believe and RECIEVE🦵🥩

The only thing ‘American’ I’m enjoying right now is cheese Not the country Not the airline Just the cheese🧀

A little shopping never killed anybody🛍️ Especially when you get this cute stretchy bomber and 2 shirts for $60 at Nordstrom Rack

Guess whose back in the HOUSE (as predicted)💪🏾

Too freaking real

Me on my way to pet all of your cats because they’re so damn cute!🥰🙈

Lady: *spews absolute nonsense* Me: “the acoustics in your head must be AMAZING”

Oh yeah, I found this mirror outside. Happy hump day🍑

I wonder what lies LorazaPam Bondi is cooking up in her little office today 🤔

Day three of my back/shoulder hurting from sports injury.

Places that should require training and licensing before entrance: -Airports -Gyms -Escalators -Grocery Stores (CDL-style licenses for Trader Joe’s and Costco specifically) -Places where you order from a menu

“Air France flight 2222 Tunis to Nice” sounds hilarious when pronounced correctly and out loud

The way I am a pro at dealing with sciatica needs to be studied. Thrice in 5 years. I already know the stretches, the dose and frequency of pain reliever, and the fact that I’ll be 95% by Friday

The 2 line started service in Seattle today. Honestly, nothing more arousing than hearing “trains running about every 5 minutes” Me:

Out with the old ➡️ in with the new🤷🏾‍♂️

My yearly bonus: deposited🤑💰 My AirPods that I have been using for multiple hours a day for 97% of the days since early 2023: ☠️ The left one specifically 🙄

Small amount of winter back-rent, PAID OFF👏🏾 Another credit card, PAID OFF👏🏾

I just saw a video where someone referred to Furby’s as “like, old Labubus” *stares in disgruntled millennial*

I might actually like this angle 🤔🤭

Do I say “fuck it” and sign up for a deadlift only powerlifting fundraiser in NYC this summer? 🤔🏋️‍♂️

I might actually like this angle 🤔🤭

Seeing Pam Bondi get a full belt to her ass from congress was such a sweet morsel of happiness for me That woman is NOT seeing the pearly gates, that I know for DAMN sure

It is already fucking insane on these streets for the Seahawks victory parade that starts at 11am. People are selling bootleg merch on the corner MIND YOU, IT IS 7 IN THE MORNING!

Who says I’m not know for my wonderful shape?

When I’m the calmest person in the room, there is a problem!

Who says I’m not know for my wonderful shape?

Morning, gays.

Which one of you sexy fuckers wants to come rub BioFreeze on my back? 😝

Translation: the housewives with the biggest fucking foreheads have something today. The queen of Potomac said NOT TODAY, NECK

Him - You better not be a cunty bushel of sugar cane when I get there. Me -

Whoever let me drink last night is going to jail☠️