Sorry to ruin everyone’s beautiful Robert Redford remembrances but it was actually me who said “What do you mean?” after Mike Nichols asked if I had ever struck out with a girl.

I'm harnessing the unprecedented power of AI to forget how to read and develop a severe mental illness that makes me unrecognizable to those who once knew me.

I rarely drink anymore, but if I got my hands on a bottle of this I would disappear for 36 hours and come back with grand visions and a desperate need for an IV

Kinda crazy the two main groups we associate with jumping rope are schoolgirls on a playground and dudes training to fight other dudes

You think of yourself as unique, but then you go to a screening of one of your favorite films and in 5 minutes you see 4 different guys rocking most to all of your vibe and it really humbles you.

I was skeptical at first, but now that I know my chats could be sent to the cops I’ve GOT to start using AI!

The insult to injury of it all with AI is even if the constant bullshitting was true, the product would still suck. Like even if I thought any of Altman’s nonsense here would come to pass it would fall WAY short of justifying all the cultural and environmental damage it would cause.

The thing about Trump is that you do not under any circumstances have to hand it to him. That said, I will concede that being on a roof is a pretty fun thing to do.

“Florida is flying its flags at half mast to honor Hulk Hogan” is exactly the kind of thing you would say to be mean to Florida but it’s still crazy they’re doing it

Mavericks GM Trades Away All Of Team’s Basketballs theonion.com/maveric...

Whatever you do, DON’T let any wrestlers be pallbearers for Hulk Hogan. When they put him down he’ll get up at 2 out of habit.

No mourning or tributes for the Hulkster—honor his legacy by refusing to put him over

So much to love and chew on in Richard Brody’s new defense of written reviews www.newyorker.com/culture/the-...

Divorce attorney pretending to work at the fortune cookie factory: “Say, I’ve got an idea for a real corker of a fortune…”

A cryptid horror/mystery novella is out next year! Super pumped to work with Infested Publishing again. This might be my weirdest and best story yet!

Republicans have unleashed masked troops to terrorize our own cities and are giddily triggering another war, so it’s a relief to see Democrats rise to this dire moment in our national history by conspiring to prevent the election of a progressive mayor.

Not sure how to explain it but “a baseball team made up of nine brothers” is like the platonic ideal of early 20th century novelties

They’re gonna make the WWF locker room from the 80s look like a Mormon’s medicine cabinet

I sit at the edge of the pasta bar and casually wave at the Italian chef at the other end. He nods and then slides a jar of marinara sauce along the countertop, which I catch effortlessly.

We need to build some real social stigma around being afraid of cities. You don't have to like them or live there, but a politics built this strongly around watching TV and going "ewww" is embarrassing, and people should be embarrassed by it. It's like "fear of werewolves" being your top issue.

I mean they’re doing a bunch of commercials for some AI platform, it would be news if these guys weren’t open to something

Roko’s Basilisk, but it’s the belief we’re all part of a Nathan Fielder rehearsal and must behave in a way that will help ensure whatever we’re rehearsing for works out.

“You gotta run. Run toward them." Never Leaving is out now from Infested Publishing! A haunted house story about a family fighting back. Enjoy a tale of love and chainsaws! bit.ly/3Xu1HJz shorturl.at/7kxi3

The subtext of most AI enthusiasm is essentially, “With this technology, we can defeat imagination in our lifetime,” and it makes me feel like I’m a minor character in some treacly, painfully unsubtle children’s story.

Not sure if it’s the best time or a terrible time to bring this up in the wake of George Wendt’s death, but my most blasphemous pop culture take is they should remake Cheers as an anime.

Roman soldier: Alright, which one of you is Spartacus? Spartacus: … Rebel 1: I am Spartacus. Rebel 2: I am- Spartacus [pointing at Rebel 1]: Yeah that’s him, that’s Spartacus! Rebel 1: Wait what? Spartacus: Spartacus is over there, get him!

wife: how was guarding the two paths today, honey? guard: [looking away] fine wife: did something happen? guard: [tearing up] no wife: would the other guard tell me something happened?

Money. What does it symbolize? Video games. What do they mean? By the end of this episode, you’ll be closer than ever to answering one of those questions.

Me, flop-sweating and trying my best to cover for Rod Serling: “Webster’s defines the Twilight Zone as a scary place, where weird stuff happens. It’s pretty nuts!”

Celebrating having a day off tomorrow with pro wrestling and enough tequila to feel a lil silly. AKA living the damn good life.

Nobody tell Nico Harrison that a Dallas basketball team has a superstar it can build its future around on its roster

Ah geez, I tried to create a sock puppet account to flatter me and back up all my arguments, but something went wrong and now he’s trying to kill me!

More journalists need to talk about this the way Japanese articles do

It should be legal to drink alcohol in a public park or library if you seem fun.

Me and the boys solemnly agreeing to reserve an hour of each hang sesh for learning Mandarin, trying to get ahead of the arc of the remaining 21st century, but also deciding it’s okay to drink beer during our studies.

Today is my birthday.  It's hard, but I still think local performers and local art matter. They sometimes feel hard to find, but my birthday wish is that you will try to find them. Whether it be music, painting, film, comedy, etc, it will make your life better.

There should be more giallos. When you first get into them it feels like there are an infinite number of movies called, like, "The Maniac Is Sabotaging Her Lifespan" but then you hit a wall about two hundred movies in. Very unfair!

Fatally struck by a self-driving car while on the sidewalk in 2032 because I took a stroll without realizing my credit score had just dropped from “disregard at crosswalks” to “kill on sight”

[Archaeologists in the year 4000] “A 21st century pan! You know their cancer rates soared because they wanted food to not stick to cookware even without the aid of oil and butter.” “Wow, they must have really hated the taste of oil and butter.” “Well that’s the funny thing…”

Our sick society cries out for the powerful corrective that is Mort Crim’s Chump Of The Week

Had a dog go ballistic at the sight of me and then immediately act normal at the sight of a mailman. Possibly the most insulted I have ever been.

Sadly with reforms like these, it's too late for the people who needed it.

Went in on a sports event that happened weeks ago. But here’s the thing: I haven’t let go of my anger over the Luka trade and neither should you. open.substack.com/pub/ruptured...

What a pass! You’d have to be crazy to trade away talent like that. Doubly so if, say, that talent is beloved by your fans. But such a scenario is too unbelievable, I see no reason to entertain it further. [weeps into hands]

[guy who doesn’t know the word “disoriented”] My orientation! It’s ruined!

[Somehow mishearing “Orwellian” as “Orson Wellesian”] Yes, I also think this is a period of movies, heavy wine consumption, and grandiose trash talk in American history

Being a Mavericks fan in LA right now (YES I am still Processing Things)

I don’t want to become a Lakers fan. Sure I already live here and my favorite player just got traded to them, but I have too much class to bandwagon. I mean not that much more, but still, enough.