Never forget what they took away from you:

Something no one prepares you for: Every boy child you have adds 5 sticks a week to your patio. What are all these branches?

Miss Frizzle’s Wario!!

Come home from a night out to LinkdIn requests instead of photo tags. Ya girl is old!

Kieran Culkin wins, the camera focuses in on Jeremy Strong. Kendall begins to silently sob, watching his younger brother finally get Logan’s blessing. Sorry, what? The Oscars?

Standby, we may have cause to become a fan…

the reason to explain that elon musk gave a nazi salute isn’t because it will win votes. the reason to do it is because elon musk gave a nazi salute at a presidential inauguration and that should be in the public record

I’m sure this portends nothing and is not at all a part of any pattern at all.

all the outsiders of history have always had 4,000 word interviews in the New York Times!

"Po' me out at the Madison TopGolf." -Somebody's late uncle in Central Mississippi

As I learned recently at my first Pens game: BOOOO CON-NOR MC-DA-VID CLAP CLAP CLAP

TopGolf has been open in Mississippi for less than a month and we’ve already got a death certificate in the damn lost and found.

Don’t send me a gumbo recipe, drop off some of the frozen gumbo your mama brought you.

Everything I learn about David Lynch only makes him cooler

My undergrad hired an MBA as President, let him fire a professor for an email subject line on the basis of a policy that does not exist, and is now acting shocked by alumni and current student outcry. They’re having to read these emails with a dictionary in hand! The children Sandy Zale raised!

I’m a fan for life

This reminds me of how few men, especially straight married men, engage in actual conversations with women. Even with their own wives. And this spans the political spectrum. If you only speak to a woman to extract labor or do logistics, 🤷🏻‍♀️ Marilyn Frye is right and it is so depressing.

I honestly believe I could convince a raccoon to be my soft, fluffy, panda pet

These pieces all seem to make the same weird conflation between what you, as an individual, should do and what Democrats, as a political party, should do. Like yes we should be kind to our neighbors and engage (within reason) with people who think differently. But that's not a political strategy.

These three will spend the entire time talking about how they definitely totally do bow hunt wild bison and men need to be men only eat eggs and it’s time for t shirts to only be tight on your biceps and neck that’s how you know you’re a real boy destined to orbit Mars for sure we all agree bow hunt

“Why don’t you just get off social media?” Because then I’d have to start journaling and I’d rather not find out journaling improves my mental health. I already got the unfortunate news about walking outside.

i hate these tech freaks so much. shut up about politics and go make me a little computer.

Thomas, leaning forward so fast he bumps his mic and knocks it over: no it’s so much more than that

A. J. Weberman, you hating ass hater!

Dr Offit is one of the most important voices for vaccines in our country, and the co-inventor of the rotavirus vaccine that has saved countless infant lives. He identifies as a skeptic because he is a scientist and physician. If there is an essential voice on the topic, it is Dr. Paul Offit.

Ask not what your country can do for you—ask when the boys will be back in town

Dopamine addiction this, screen free morning routine that. I’m not taking advice from anyone who wakes up before 8am by choice. Sorry ✌️

Alan Cumming is delivering a performance as host of The Traitors that exceeds most cinema performances this year.

Oh my god, The Pittsburgh Penguins. Guys! No one told me about hockey!

Looking for a private service that can help me get this camel through the eye of a needle. I’ll pay anything

Traveling to one of my best friends to attend my first hockey game and then lay down for a day and a half with her. Folks, this is the way to travel. You don’t need plans, you need a couch.

Started calling broth “bone tea” and I think my husband may leave me over it.

imagine if the mcnugget buddies were real but got really good at cooking meth and we all found out but were conflicted because they're adorable but also flooding communities with poison, and handcuffs wouldn't even fit them so like what then

Okay, I’m tired of most socials so I started a Substack. I’m just going to write some stuff and paint some stuff and share it. If I ever manage to watch soccer or play golf again, I promise to write about that too!

It’s like everyone forgot about when iTunes automatically downloaded their album. But I’ll always remember and I’ll never forgive.

MESSI BETTER NOT BE THE FIRST SOCCER PLAYER GIVEN THIS AWARD. Let me Google some stuff but I will be back and I’m certain I will be furious!

If America doesn’t have a football culture, explain THIS

But y’all don’t wanna hear me you just wanna dance

You’re telling me the best sponsor for the Citrus Bowl was Cheez-Its? BigCitrus couldn’t step up? Tropicana? Cuties?

The newest Transformer film (Transformers The Last Knight) is 2 hours and 35 minutes long. You’re telling me this teal and orange tinged chronicle couldn’t be a tight 90 minutes? Do cinematographers have to pay for each color? Is lighting extra?

Tell Chris Nolan I’m gonna watch the last 1/3 of all his movies on my rolling TV from my bed because the movies are too long, baby!

You can not purchase taste. You could purchase style but, I guess he’s not interested

Let me start strength training

The princesses of country

“You will be visited by three spirits.”

THE GREEN KNIGHT

the first present i wrap vs the eighth

A federal judge struck down parts of an Arkansas law that included prison sentences for librarians and booksellers for providing books that might be considered “harmful” to minors. nyti.ms/3DIpLBi