i’m with 2 bad bitches and they both got subprime auto loans 😈🥶

I'm so desensitized to woke shit that a pumpkin with a he/him lesbian carved in it is just normal to me

the “two types of cats” are fighting inside me and the kiki one is enacting looney toons-esque plots

coming home from exhausting 9-5 to also do all the house chores while my wife shows me the beat she made in fl studio

hooking up with a drummer on some “am i rushing or dragging?”

your white boyfriend is a bad inefficient engineer

i always let the egg come first

pleaing “death of the author” when questions about last nights drunk texts

flying home to show my middle school bullies what a REAL fag looks like

the difference between your freak and my freak is that i can still cum from kissy missionary

im at ur girls crib doin poppers

robotgirl orgy call that networking

white tboy in my hinge likes look like prezoh 🤤

blocking the whole ass intersection doing donuts in front of a waymo

it’s really nice how walmart lets you sleep in their parking lot. i’ll thank them by shoplifting from target :>

*buying carbon credits with the money i made stealing catalytic converters*

some days i want to get my eyeliner tattooed. other days i want to drive through iowa without be lynched. it’s give and take i guess

fake major, now catch this drone strike

me, who misheard “frat party”: so when’s everyone gonna rub their dicks together?

if you aren’t older than the baconator pls DNI

i don’t owe you femininity ! ! ! i owe you $20 for the eighth you fronted me, and i swear i’ll have it by friday 😵‍💫🤧‼️

they should make a separate economy for chill ass guys like me who don’t have cable news induced dementia

as soon as they autocaps kick in the gigs up

accidentally adding my cis friend to the tgirl group chat (we were talking about our plans to bomb yemen)

stripper fingered herself and then gave me a wet willie

accidentally invented a drinking game where sadie describes pokémon she’s seen and we try to figure out what the fuck she’s talking about

phil ivey is the name of the greatest poker player of all time. it is NOT an appropriate response to the question “what are you gonna do over break?”

dipping my swedish fish & friends in tito’s, it’s like they’re swimming ! ! !

putting a single mini marshmallow in my mouth and expertly enunciating “chubby bunny”

i keep coming up with great ideas and then finding out it’s a commune

*flirtily* i like your outfit 🤭 (we’re both in straightjackets)

having sex *solely* for the pleasure of the cuck in the corner. neither of us are enjoying this shit at all

i love 3 things in this life: dp, dough, and dp dough

applying to write for ella yurman’s new show by sending her a link to this account 🙏

sex is like college: frequent and prolonged cry breaks

I feel like im almost here, I've almost won therapy

is that a Husky Brand 5/16 in. 12-Point SAE Full Polish Combination Wrench in your pocket or are you just happy to see me

twirling my tongue around the end of his tailbone while eating ass like it’s his clit

if ur ever sad just shake your ass

teaching an old doggirl to do new tricks on it

quebec is hell on earth. all of the french people with none of the bidets

i’m too manipulative to be in a polycule, as soon as a 3rd person shows up i’ve just founded another cult 🫢

blaming my shitty lab report on DEI

renting SUVs and leaving sardines in every crevice is both my favorite form of protest and an alluring metaphor 🤹‍♂️

all the boys get rock hard when they look at my bangs… i must be some sort of greek mythological creature…? …

Lower rent to end polycules

i did not "lunge" for the officer's weapon, your honor, i was actually really slick about it

you WISH i had a pathetic white boy kink

me during sex: hitler was such a dalek 😒