(seeing a random nurse record my army of tens of thousands of paid violent agitators on his phone) this guy is a paid agitator

the guys in ICE are actually perfect for a job that involves knocking on everyone’s door because they all had to do that in their neighborhood to tell everyone they’re sex offenders

conservatives rock because for like fifty years they called everything that was labeled "natural" or "organic" gay hippie bullshit, but now they threaten to shoot you in the head if you try to drink milk without Listeria in it

getting into the men’s body dysmorphia algorithm

The Nobel Prize didn’t give me the award for Not Jacking Off. Well guess what. No more mister nice guy. I’m whacking it like crazy right now. Actions have consequences

a violent armed and masked man running into traffic is actually one of the few scenarios where you’re allowed to hit a guy with your car

guy who just walks into the middle of traffic and shoots people in the head because he thinks cars are trying to hit him

Before you villainize ICE Agents, remember: they have families. who they beat the shit out of when they come home from work.

I think it speaks to our country truly being the land of opportunity where any inept fuckup too stupid to hold a job can get Deputized as an ICE agent and kill anyone he wants

don’t think this bodes well for my troupe getting into Caracas Improv Festival..

at any given moment there are thousands of buff bald guys in empty white suburban kitchens recording Facebook reels that visualize the proportional calorie amounts of different foods

I’m heading down to the Ferndale Rust Belt Market. want me to pick you up a throw pillow that says “Fuck You And Eat Shit” while I’m there?

horror fans during awards season is so funny. Acting nominations will come out and they’ll be like “where’s the Chucky Doll?!”

This is huge - Oprah has just endorsed adderall. “I love love LOVE this little pill”

JACK WHITE DOING THE HALFTIME SHOW: a seven nation army couldn’t hold me back TOM BRADY (not realizing he shouldn’t commentate this part): great job by Jack on that one. That’s one of the most classic lines. Coach has gotta be proud of that one.

I was actually just telling my buddy that from stadium to stadium, Crown Royal gives out more than just cocktails, it gives out generosity

Congress just voted to re-release the Epstein Files in a 4K restoration 4 disc set in honor of their 10th anniversary

just found out they made a “Rock” version of Jingle Bells. And uhhh as a fan of rock and roll, I gotta say “yes, please!!!!”

hypnotized by this… subliminal “medium naturals”….. can’t stop eating this

DONALD TRUMP: (texting the National Guard as if it is just one guy) can you come here

Sorry I forgot to lower the price of groceries. I was busy being so much of a heinous sex criminal that all the other sex criminals who associate with me were like “that dude needs to fucking relax”

EVE FROM THE BIBLE: I have tasted the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. For although it was forbidden I sought it for wisdom and desire EVE’S TEAM LEAD: let’s table this for now. I appreciate you “questioning the why” but we should do this through the proper channels next time.

finally.. a tool to generate an ASMR video of eating a mobile phone

every man dreams of inventing an award to give to their wife… but only cowards wait until after they die to do it

Just came up with 6-7 2

No no.. not Dick. No. Not Dick Cheney… no no no no… I was just with him last night

Wow. Unfollowing now. Was a big fan of walking seven paces behind you on a dark street. Had no idea it was gonna make you freak out.

GUY WHO INVENTED THE BURRITO: awesome. I just invented a delicious food I call it a “burrito” 17-YEAR OLD BOY: (appearing out of thin air in gym clothes) can I get a steak bowl light rice double protein

amnesiac conservative guy going to Five Guys and making the same post complaining about how much it costs every single day

A “does the dog die” website but it’s specifically about characters named Mufasa

MY COP EX-BOYFRIEND: (digging through old police reports) holy shit.. looks like citizens were reporting seeing Jack O Lanterns as far back as 1922 ME: (pacing behind him and furiously biting my nails) so I’m not fucking crazy, right??

LeBron not being implicated as part of the FBI’s NBA gambling scheme goes to show he is nowhere near Jordan’s level

I heard Trump removed the White House’s rib so he can suck his own dick

(completely dead behind the eyes, without a single trace of enthusiasm) that’s fire.

everyone at this open mic is pulling out their best jokes because there’s rumors that the guy who invented roasted red pepper hummus is in the audience

the world is desperate for a Christian Weird Al

yeah you’d love that wouldn’t you. You’d love more engagement happening on your braindead little platform wouldn’t you

According to my meticulous spreadsheets, I believe over two hundred women every day. Just the type of ally I am.

It’s crazy that we still only have one Eiffel Tower. With the way human society has advanced since 1889, there’s no reason we shouldn’t have hundreds by now

yep.. I love never releasing the Epstein list, allying with international sex traffickers, and running an agency called ICE that abducts women & children, putting them in vans so they’re never seen again. All of these things because of my deeply held conservatism and unshakable faith in Jesus Christ

PIZZA PLACE: (after sprinkling Parmesan on some baked pizza dough) I call it “Fucked Up Insane-o Bread”

Every time I see Daniel Radcliffe (the actor) I swear to god he’s a dead ringer for Harry Potter.. am I crazy or does anyone else see it??

Bad Bunny halftime? Makes me sick. They should have catered the halftime show to me, the alcoholic who was going to watch the Super Bowl no matter what

Oh hell no.. Elmer is losing his shit right now. He is so pissed that Wascally Wabbit is doing the Super Bowl halftime show

don’t ya hate it when you dismember a journalist and the next day it’s reported on the paper? It’s like “awww shit now I gotta dismember another one” (Riyadh crowd goes fucking nuts) ha ha crazy I know. Now how many yall like pussy??

(Austin comic who thinks the R-word is “Riyadh”) the R-word is back

George Carlin at the Riyadh comedy festival doing his famous “600 things you can’t say on tv” bit