So, this new toilet law: am I still allowed to sneak into the gents' bogs when the queue for the ladies' lav is massive, or is that verboten now?

My spirit animal

She kinda looks like my Grandma, if my Grandma had had a lot of work done on her face and a pair of ridiculous falsies rammed into her chest

The scumbag next door has started on her bank holiday drinking early

Without some sort of jumper under that kagoule, she'll catch her death

WANT

Not sure if someone is banging around upstairs or if the ghost is fucking about again

Is this a new goose album

I have found the episode of Battle of the Network Stars where both Heathers Locklear and Thomas get dunked in the water tank at the same time. A big night for teenage boys in the USA

*glub*

"The Legendary Era Of The Alessi Twins" - oh, Neighbours YouTube channel, do you mean "When two talentless slags were brought in to pretty up the place, even though they're not actually that pretty and are incredibly vapid characters"?

Every now and again, I'll listen to All FM and every single time, it's the worst listening experience ever. Shite music played by absolute tosser presenters

Yeah, she's the first because it's a ridiculous title that some marketing numbnuts has just made up

Time for the long trudge home

The lack of mustard has really scuppered my big sandwich plans

It really makes me happy when twiggy supermodels of the past get hit by the menopausal thickening of the waist. It also makes me happy when supermodels wear daft outfits that accentuate it

̶M̶o̶o̶n̶w̶a̶l̶k̶ ̶ Faceplant

Thanks but no thanks

Quote with a fictional band that is not Spinal Tap

They sent me some Grey Poupon as a substitute but I can't eat it as it's got allergens in it and I only noticed after the delivery driver left, so if anyone wants it, it's yours

Battle of the Network Stars is massively addictive and I don't know why youtu.be/y0f1Ywnjq0A?...

“Think back to your childhood. Do you remember when the anxiety started?”

Big slow clap to whoever's cutting their grass right now. It's only just stopped chucking it down, but you do you. I hope you get electrocuted, fuckwit

Absolutely lashing it down 15 minutes ago and now it's bright sunshine. FFS, daft weather

Watching Battle of the Network Stars from forever ago. Some thoughts: * It's weird to hear them say 'Lytham St Anne's' * Tim Matheson was a handsome young man and, dare I say it, the Paul Rudd of his day? * Penny Marshall slayed that obstacle course * Lynda Carter has a lovely diving form

🖤 Remembering Jeffrey Ross Hyman aka Joey Ramone, born on this day in 1951, Forest Hills. 🖤 #punk #punks #punkrock #joeyramone #ramones #history #punkrockhistory #otd

Lord Tubbington

Gabby Willis's boutique has caught fire. RIP to some of the most hideous clothes I've ever seen

I think I've just won £50 on this match

This is how your email finds me

I have ordered some Peppa Pig tinned spaghetti in my grocery shop, because fuck you

😭😭😭

I keep hearing a radio ad for some kind of holiday cottage. Sounded very fancy. Just looked it up and it's a regular old boring semi-detached house. What a load of bollocks

Even Shaq Surprised To Learn He’s The New Spokesman For DivaCup https://bit.ly/4ftZis4

While it's still up. Blobby Blobby Blobby youtu.be/7PUKM96JfVg?...

This is absolutely the sort of stunt I'd pull

Mike Patton joined the Armed for half their set in San Francisco

Maybe TfL should start a tube driver farm, they could raise them from youths, let them have a lot of free space to roam while putting them through driver school. When they're ripe, put them to work on the trains

The nerve of people posting GoFundMe links. Oh yeah, of course I'm going to fork out for a stranger's cousin's dog's sex change operation or whatever bullshit grift is going on

Watching a programme about Blitz survivors. Patsy Moneypenny is a fabulous name

Some serious rogue foxgloves going on at the #ChelseaFlowerShow

Which daft apeth forgot to take their antihistamine before strimming the grass and is now paying for it?

The dickheads next door have been on their shit for 24 hours now. How have they got the energy to be this irritating all fucking weekend??

Capricorn: You're becoming more intentional about who you give your time to, which is actually a moot point because no one wants it.

Crawford Productions: has two YouTube channels but no Sullivans on either. What is wrong with you people???

I think I've just found my dream partner

They may have won Eurovision, but Bulgaria have still got absolute guff playing on their Magic TV channel this afternoon