more than anything

finally paid off my student loans with this one weird trick... i'm daddy's special boy and he helped me pay the last bit of it off.

My plans for v-day if it were a Pokémon.

Always worth remembering the longest-serving Republican Speaker of The House, Denny Hastert, was convicted as a child molester after leaving office.

Vive la France!

Oh look, a moment of weakness by not being open and transparent about an investigation. Other countries gonna make us look even dumber.

It’s cold/flu season and I’m tired of the guys posting that “despite being sick” they still made themselves go to the gym. You’re not “disciplined”. You’re selfish. /1

If I die, I want my remains to be scattered at the US Capitol. Do not cremate me.

I haven't heard a single person talk about the new Game of Thrones show...

ICE Agent Scores Easy Win By Deporting Own Family https://theonion.com/ice-agent-scores-easy-win-by-deporting-own-family/

turkey bacon doesn't count deli counter thick cut in over at 350º on a baking sheet seasoned with paprika, cayenne pepper, chili flakes, garlic powder ~20min

I maintain that This is What It Sounds Like is a way better song than Golden.

When I was a senior in high school I coached my sisters u-10 soccer team to the state finals. Watching Spurs players make mistakes like her team would cuz they were kids is beyond comprehension. At this point I’m convinced I could do a better job than Frank. #coys #frankout

My son turned 1 today. I’m an emotional wreck. AMA.

"It’s really a shame that I learned all of this too late."

Two Twitter misogynists fall in love over twitter while discussing medieval war tactics. Tweeted Chivalry

Macaulay Culkin posted a tribute to Catherine O’Hara….I’m not crying, you’re crying 🥺🙏

Are you fucking kidding me? people.com/catherine-oh...

Nuclear launch detected

Did a monk write this?

Every time I agree with Rand Paul it’s cuz something seriously bad has happened and I hate it.

First of all. How dare you tell me Casino Royale is 20 years old.

🤣🤣

The bus stop poster on my way to work has a hitler mustache on her.

Just bringing this up for no reason... "When you get to your little place on Nantucket Island, I imagine you are going to take off that handsome-looking SS uniform of yours. Ain't you? That's what I thought."

i don't think you're allowed to use that word.

Thinking of leaving my wife. Our son turns 1 this week and she said he’s going to be a “toddler.” And not our “sweetest littlest baby boy of all time” Needless to say things are tense in the house.

Villain origin story incoming

my villain origin story will be seeing a child thrown in the back of a police car. hands on site.

Hey wanna guess the first recipient of a gifted Nobel prize?

Watching The Patriot on Netflix as an in memoriam for when people fought against dictators, not roll over and expose their bellies.

If ICE goes to Philly, let’s start a rumor that all ICE officers are Cowboys fans. I wanna see something.

This is what they said about him then. This is what they say about us now. This is who they always have been.

@ Hailee Steinfeld, I've never lost in the NFL playoffs... just sayin.

Trump just got a major award.

this should be impeachable...

ICE agents when a guy in a bathrobe standing out in -20 weather tells them to each shit

There’s an intersection not far from where I live where there’s a sign on the lamppost by the traffic light that says “Please Obey Traffic Signals,” as if people who don’t obey the light will be like, “Oh, they put up a sign! They must really mean it!” This is a post about DOJ and The Epstein Files

Jacobi Jupe sounds like a slur.

The Oscar push is real

LAFC when?

Actually it’s lossless audio… so…

Hey @thehill.com we’re still waiting on your apologies for this lie. 🤷‍♀️

This is fantastic.

Taking art commissions to help Minnesota ACLU. DM inquiries.

Cars meets Sid the Sloth. No I will not be taking questions at this time.