most shockingly of all, the alien craft was reportedly adorned with a sort of bumper sticker that said "Earth Hoes Cant Fuck"

Who up whittling they spoon

Coming out of my cage and I’m PISSED as HELL

Dawg how in the hell did I do this. I’m cooking today. I’m gonna shit my pants if I don’t fuck up while trimming this. Gonna try to taper the bottom third a little more

Getting bigger. Right pot is most recent. Left pot was previous largest. Sharpie for size reference.

(Biggest punkass bitch in the world voice) you need to submit a doctor’s note with this absence

Ayyyyy I’m makin a beast of myself to get rid of da pain of bein a man ovah heah!!

Who up skulking about hmu

If, in the pursuit of hunting whales, I had my leg chewed off by the one that I’d considered both abnormally large even amongst its already massive brethren and also purported to be defiant and antagonistic, I’d just vibe it out tbh lol

State of my Asscrack Address

The Goofus and Gallant fandom is once again in-fighting

Everyone is dumb as shit now except me. I am normal dumb

You’ve waltzed your last Matilda, pal

Maxing out the gamma on my computer screen. I need the magic fun surface to cause me physical harm as penance

It’s a Jimmy eat Jimmy world

Wish I was snacking on a big ass turkey leg right now but instead I’ve got the night terrors again

Me and the boys

i just wanna drive my truck mow this grass drink my beer dress like ass

To whom it may concern: Fuck Work Friday has been appropriated into Motherfucker Friday by the motherfuckers. The fuck workers are encouraged to come over; it is a big tent and anyone is welcome to be a motherfucker. We are building an equitable world for every motherfucker.

Touching grass is not enough I need about 17 Miller High Lives! They’re the Champagnes of Beers!

The other half of the early agriculture shitpost canon:

Burying the lede that many don’t have the money/time/energy to make decent meals for themselves/their household so they go for convenience. A rotisserie chicken at my local grocer is $6 & it’s multiple meals for my household w/ no prep. We’re all burned out & stressed, let us have this.

I’m sucking up all your oxygen! It’s mine now! Deep breaths! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Don't give anything an Emmy until it's as good as this.

metallica voice i was born for balding!!!!!!

There probably are prototype blueprints for catapult-esque launch systems floating around NASA’s archives but, given that Musk’s skull is a shoebox full of dead bugs, he’s probably imagining a Wile E Coyote ACME sort of invention

it's a mirepoix party #art

Hair pants, pants made of hair

A hairy, many-headed infernal creature just stole my 2016 Mazda Miata (65k miles, paid off 2 years early, iridescent cobalt blue, bumper sticker that says “Brother, It’s Football Time!”, white door handles) and the cops aren’t doing shit about it

Everyone is dumb as shit now except me. I am normal dumb

Once the Chinese perfect the art of drunk driving, Missouri and Tennessee will fall in line immediately.

FOUND IT

If Jimmy had been born a generation earlier, he would be in the redacted emails

Running for president on the “Everyone Gets A Weekly 15lb Brisket” platform

Château de Fuck You

they’re doing this to me tomorrow

We’ve got cameras in our school and as far as I’m aware, they have never been useful for their intended purpose which is to help manage hallway misbehavior. They’ve mostly been used as a means of monitoring staff. This doesn’t surprise me.

The pedophile president and his idiot scheming eunuch are confirmed pussy ass bitches

Stapling a piece of printer paper to a pole outside the Post Office that just says “Big Huge Titties”

I have reached my maximum lifetime instances of moving to a new social media app. If this one tanks, I’m just gonna start nailing up shitposts on telephone poles around town like a classic freak

Morbius

Heathcliff needs to FUCK

04 Feb 2026

The problem with crapitalism is that you will never run out of other people’s crap

Or as I like to call it Crapitalism

Honey baked ham a thon

If only he has paid someone to play Kerbal Space Program for him instead of paying someone to play Path of Exile

Rotating a big huge titty in my mind

Adeptus Mechanicus Turk