Me: I trust you about as far as I can throw you! My best friend who is the exact size and shape of a baseball: awww thanks man

go, and this cannot be stressed enough, blue

Every time he ruins something on THIS planet I think about how he couldn’t point to what he ruined on a map but this is the first time he couldn’t point to what he ruined in the sky.

#baskteball lets go !!

NASA represents less than half of a percent of the federal budget. You know how we spend like $800B on the military every year¹? The entire cost of NASA, since its inception, is $1.9T.² Anyway it just seems like it'd be kinda nice if the ratio was way fuckin different idk

"Bluesky is dying" everything is dying. I am dying. You are dying. Everyone you love is dying. Entropy always increases. Everything and everyone lasts for but a fraction of a moment. Accept it. Cherish that fraction of a moment.

Fuck yes, I got away with it. Nobody suspects a god damn thing. I hid my tracks perfectly. Ah, see, here we go, Poirot's calling us all into the parlour. Presumably to announce that he couldn't figure this one out.

Do you think there are already any die-hard artemis conspiracy theorists

More like Fartypiss Poo. Anyway no seriously I'm so proud of the crew and the engineers and everyone

*Youth pastor voice* you know who else was condemned by a political leader and died

BREAKING: Waymo denies allegations that "over 62% of passengers masturbate during Waymo rides", but confirms that "of those that do, they do so while wearing a VR headset".

You know how you learn about how, before toilet paper, they just used old like old rags and shit, and then it takes them like a hundred years to invent paper specifically for wiping and you're like "christ how did such a obvious idea take so long?” Anyway, introducing cum paper™ (patent pending)

Instead of eliminating middle-class income tax, let's make taxes progressive such that you fucking max-out at a million dollars a year. You make that much? Congratulations, you have won capitalism. You'll never be uncomfortable or inconvenienced for the rest of your life. 100% tax rate beyond that

Pain at the pump? Sounds like me when I'm horny with a UTI

AND HEATHER BROOKE WASN'T EVEN HER NAME! SHE WAS JUST IN A VIDEO WITH ANOTHER ACTRESS NAMED HEATHER BROOKE, AND PEOPLE GOT CONFUSED, AND HER VIDEOS GOT POPULAR ON P2P NETWORKS UNDER THE ERRONEOUS NAME, SO THAT'S WHAT SHE BECAME MOST KNOWN BY, AT LEAST AMONG THE DEMOGRAPHIC ENGAGING IN PEER-SHARING

Secretly, silently judging those with whom I share a bathroom when they simply place the new toilet paper roll atop the empty one instead of properly swapping them. And yet we, all of us, know that I, in time and circumstance, will most certainly do the same

It's Adam and Eve not atom and eV

Standing proudly on the podium, I playfully bite my gold medal and wink at the camera. I instantly break three teeth and double over in pain. I fall off the podium and black out. The silver medalist later tells me that my dick and balls fell out as well

The Mask (1994) is about how the Mask (the character) is not a manifestation from the mask (the mask), but by Stanley's id, so he realizes he doesn't need to put it on anymore; neither literally now metaphorically

i promise i'll write something fun next week :) www.humbleoffering.com/no-that-webs...

King George, 1782:

In that situation, laying down in the fetal position is exactly what I would've done, too

Saw someone say we need to "minmax society" and i don't have any gee dee idea what that means but i feel it in my bones to be true

Using my small watchmaker's lathe to manufacture an even smaller watchmaker's lathe to manufacture an even smaller watch to gift to a small animal

Untitled - Notepad

"Did you get those mugshots of the dangerous agitators?" "Sure did boss. Real fucking badass and defiant, just like you asked" "....." "And I made our guys look like naughty kids refusing to brush their teeth"

Oh sure, yuk it up. But while you're over there laughing, this poor man has apparently trapped himself headfirst, legs kicking away at the sky, in the detective hole

@cologuardsupport.com I pooped in a cologuard box and mailed it in and i got a call a few days later saying my sample couldn't be processed because it had too high of a "froth factor" and that it broke the poop smushing machine and that they were going to invoice me for the parts and labor to fix it

The cot-caught merger is arguably one of the top 5 mergers

Art.

Devastated to learn that the one person who consistently subscribed to me on OnlyFans was also subbed to the Pillsbury dough boy

more like the toronto Blowjobs

Gonna start a band called the Non-Trivial Zeroes

Just paid £95000 at auction for one of the rare first editions in which the One Ring was a prince albert

We spent a trillion dollars on building a plagiarism machine that flatters your ego instead of putting that money into R&D for an actual good cause: teledildonics

It should be called a Play 'n' Pack or Unpack 'n' Play, but, as it stands, it is in objectively the incorrect order

Fuck yeah 34 year olds lets goooo

Hoping that the day comes soon when society will recognize that the entrepreneurial impulse to start a business and get rich is a form of psychosis

Narcissus in 2025 just spending hundreds of dollars a month on chatgpt credits

Trying to explain to my nephew how IRC was like if Discord was plaintext only and wasnt owned by a singular entity and didn't give you chronic migraines

Just want to clarify for the record that what I mean by "it happening" is Charlie Kaufman writing and directing a biopic of Clive Wearing starring Bill Nighy

At the very least it’s fun to think of this as a sort of tailgate party before the big event

Jacking off, just about to cum, fitbit vibrates, I got in all my steps

My most toxic trait is that I don't like Bladerunner in any way except for the aesthetic and mise en scene

@acollierastro.bsky.social idk if you've seen it, but I think you might like Paycheck in the same way you like The Core

Now is an excellent time to shut up about shit you don't fully know about. Just take the shut and put it all the way the fuck up

I don't know who needs to hear this, but if you're using AI imagery, you're not "resisting", you're not in any sort of "resistance". You're capitulating, you're yielding. You're actively helping what you claim to oppose by using it.

One day, my high school gym teacher singled me out in front of the class to use my bad back as an example of how "kids these days" are getting less and less fit. I was too embarrassed to clarify that I had injured my back due to routinely practicing autofellatio

Me: There doesn't exist a prison that can hold me! *Am escorted in cuffs to my cell* Me: wow nevermind i was super wrong, these walls are concrete, im so fucked lmao