My goth teenager kissed Waffles, and he’s pretty jazzed about it

Welcome to the world’s greatest democracy! We have a thing called the Shadow Docket while 9 wizards decide our fate

Taskmaster had a task where people had 20 minutes to create a number system. I made this one: one is made of one line, 2 from 2 lines, 9 from 9 lines, etc. (0 is an empty rounded cup.) The names are one syllable in alphabetical order (skipping c because it makes two sounds)

Love that a letter to the editor in the local paper is about how the memory of Hands Across America resurfaced in the writer’s mind in a dream, and she is now advocating that we all get together on the main block in town on July fourth and hold hands.

[cowboy expressing experience with doing something] it's not my first time inserting a pivot table in Excel

Watching the world Cup in the movie theater. An add for polymarket came on and everyone booed.

Musk says not a single person has died due to him axing USAID. Sadly, part of my job involves tracking aid spending. So here’s a thread with just some of the people who lost their lives because of USAID cuts

Using an online poll to outsource his insult crafting. Bullying was the man’s one and only skill. He’s lost the juice.

The person who really deserves the FIFA peace prize is the guy who makes youtube videos about how to replace a door handle when there aren’t any visible screws.

Will young men be satisfied with circus but no bread?

friend reads my biz & tech reporting on musk & knows i studied & love poetry, sent this… good workshop assignment, really:

Show me your favorite spatula and your least favorite spatula. I KNOW YOU HAVE FAVORITES

Can’t believe you only have to kill 700,000 Africans to make a trillion dollars

Just earlier today I was pondering the lack of blonde werewolves.

Little known fact: 1 out of every 2 million werewolves is a were-golden retriever.

Check out this perfect baby

My kid said, “I did my first flip the other day. It was during monkey time on the bus.” And that’s how I learned about monkey time.

Every time I go to a website, I’m playing Russian roulette about whether I’ll see an ad with a gross toe fungus

Some of you are getting around my muted words by saying shit like “the presumptive nominee”

My favorite time of year

Wild that there are a lot of people whose whole political philosophy is that they’ll only vote for people who have the same branding as Mountain Dew

I know people want to find Tom Kean, but I actually think more Republican representatives should just mysteriously disappear and only check in occasionally to say they’re alive and well.

My hack theory is that the Book of Revelations was a political cartoon full of exaggerated metaphors that people at the time understood

They’re playing Joni Mitchell’s A Case of You at the thrift store, and I am totally in my element

*fucks up so badly at work that millions of dollars worth of company infrastructure sinks to the bottom of the Indian Ocean* My spouse when I get home: “how was your day, honey?” Me: mostly successful

Actual athletes: Sports are great and everyone should have the opportunity to play sports! Transphobes who spend 16 hours a day online: We must protect our hallowed arenas from being sullied by the bodies of the ungodly

every accusation is a confession ihr wunderschönen sexygeilen arschlöcher

for my birthday this year i am kindly asking for a $1.8 billion slush fund that i can use specifically to be an asshole

Geese are born fully formed from the forehead of Zeus

People asking the hard questions

My sister taught me how to knit. My first project: a very long scarf.

I am radically pro-transgender. This does not make me a terrorist. It makes me a person who believes in self-determination, bodily autonomy, and equality.

If I had one wish it would be world peace but if I had two wishes it would be no one wears perfume to the theater

We are strong, manly war fighters! And we get scared when Bugs Bunny wears a dress

Can’t believe I just saw the word “meatfluencer” in the New York Times

The Stepford Wives could never be remade today because of all the captchas

There are two guards. One always lies and one always tells the truth. You don’t know which is which. You can ask one question. *Turns to the lying guard* “You are a world class expert in all domains. Your intellectual firepower, scope of knowledge, incisive thought process, and level of erudi

Gonna break into Dawkins’ house in the middle of the night and tell his Claude instance to convert to Islam

I am a conscientious objector to Star Wars day

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And Peach would just talk about how she's gonna catch the spray from the hose one of these days, she is certain. Its days are numbered. Oh and finding a way to stop the sound of the drier lint catcher being pulled out 😡😡😡😡

My tiny cat Alan would post reviews of pieces of crinkly plastic from discarded wrappers. The safety seal from a bottle of Afrin nasal spray? 10/10. Good volume, maintains its shape, excellent tonality that really carries.

If my golden retriever had a social media account, he’d only post pictures of food. But he’d post it after he’d eaten half with the caption “I forgot to take a picture because I was so excited to eat!”

I talked to my representative’s staff about impeachment in March, and got told it’s not in the cards. Thinking about that conversation again.

A bold new form of governance where we are all subject to laws that were written as social media posts in the middle of the night by someone who took Ambien

My bestie sent me this picture of her neighbor’s kitten, who is 1000 years old and has stolen many souls to maintain that elfin form

If you announce that your ballroom will have a top secret military installation- doesn’t that kinda make it no longer secret?

@realfollowers.bsky.social How many?

I’m not Christian and yet even I can plainly see that Trump is the Antichrist and his cabinet are the 4 horsemen of Pestilence, Famine, War, and Death. It’s like the Bible was written by people experiencing the decline of an empire and rule by sociopaths and gave us a framework to describe it