I need to do the dishes, but my husky informed me that it’s time to go to bed, so I’m laying in bed with my jeans on waiting for him to be deep enough asleep for me to sneak away

“Everything’s computer”

Thinking about how at Tu B’Shvat someone said that trees and lungs are two complementary organs of a larger system

The reason billionaires care so much about living forever is because the only problem they have in life is that the will someday die

What if we made a bottomless and insatiable id the most powerful person on earth? What then?

Oh shit same thing happens when Vecna is around

If it’s true that someone is posting on Trump’s official social media without his knowledge, that’s a huge national security threat.

The invention of lasagne

I’ll be in a meeting in business mode and then someone will say something like “laser fish” and I’ll briefly float away from my body and realize it’s all make believe

Infinite Anna’s

Every day I start my workday by uninstalling the Microsoft update that automatically installed overnight and that blocks me from accessing my client’s vpn.

math is so cool bc u rotate these difficult ideas in your head for weeks or months or even years and then you get these sudden feelings of profound breakthrough and insight and then you dive back in to a textbook you found difficult before and make it 2 whole paragraphs further than last time

Ecosystem under the mailbox

Nauseous! On the school Bus

I’m trying to find out when the 2026 State of the Union Address is happening and not finding any information. Has it been scheduled?

Quote with your favorite pic of you from 2025

mission status: found god. send backup

Today’s discourse is Terry Pratchett’s Boots Theory

My 2026 bingo

Talk of chickenpox reminds me of the common refrain that hardships build character. But suffering doesn’t build character, it builds trauma. Kids build character by facing problems they can solve, like challenging homework assignments or learning a role in a school play.

I have a cold on Christmas Eve. Boooo. I need you all to send me memes and pet pics. Doctor says since Pagliacci isn’t in town, it’s the only thing that’ll help me pull through

I got a gift membership for my dad, and this was his response:

Left the candles in the menorah unattended. Anyway, here’s the burn mark on my table

student: does a bonsai tree know that it is smaller than its sisters teacher: the roots of the bonsai tree strain against the edges of her world. the bonsai tree believes herself the largest and only tree in existence student: what can we learn from this teacher: none of my business. ask the tree

I wan t a president who can recognize an axolotl and a platypus

My ancestors looking down and seeing me go to Costco the Sunday before Christmas: wow, omg, she’s so brave

What stands out to me is the TOEFL test prep book. TOEFL being Test of English as a Foreign Language

Fish Poem

A rewrite of the Shawshank Redemption where Andy Dufresne is played by a husky and he digs his way out in 12 minutes

“god helps those who help themselves” So god’s lazy and picking the easy wins

Just woke up from a nightmare that I completely screwed up cooking Christmas dinner

Gonna go with a classic. As Napoleon said in a letter to his wife Josephine: “Do not bathe”

Today’s sunset

Little works

My dad reminded me of that time sunlight was hitting clouds weird and the Soviet computers flagged it as incoming nukes. Stanislav Petrov was like, “nah, it’s a false alarm” and didn’t retaliate. My dad said, “if they used ai to make that choice, we’d all be dead.”

Oh no my windows computer is automatically updating. Goodbye functionality I will miss you

Just saw an ad for some ai tool that can “make a sales invoice good enough to eat.”

Thornton Wilder rising from his grave and killing me for yelling out, “So does Grover’s Corner have a McDonalds, or?” when the stage manager asks if anyone has questions

I will never be as cool as my dog when he wears a hat

Spent 5 hours this year listening to the faucet in the bathtub drip Spent 12 hours listening to the silence after the refrigerator shuts off Spent 18 hours pondering what could be rattling around in the trunk of the car

Insert a movie into a movie Sharksharknadonado

It’s Giving Tuesday, so give me all your money. This is a stick up

Humans were domesticated by germs because our sneezes are useful to them

Reminder that flying cars already exist. They’re called helicopters and they require a ton of special training to pilot and must be in contact with air traffic control.

@profanity.accountant stats plz

Time to shower and change from my day pajamas into my evening pajamas

Last week at WinCo I told the cashier I was impressed by how many veggie codes he knew by heart, and he said his dying words would be “bananas 4011. Gala Apples 4132.”

I realize there are only like 5 people who may do this but I would strongly suggest giving this a read. Gift link www.nytimes.com/2025/11/23/o...

One thing I love about Data’s poem about his cat Spot is that it was written by humans trying to sound like a robot who’s trying to sound like a human.

That bit of gunk that you thought the dishwasher would take care of has hardened. It’s stuck like a barnacle. It’s part of the dish now.