The perfect Christmas present for a pregnant person is an "I'm with stupid" t-shirt with an arrow pointing down. Or a pack of cigarettes.

Waymo is free if you jump on the top and ride it like a surf board.

Joy to the world, the Lord is cum? This is the dirtiest Christmas song!

We need to flood the internet with unusable imaginery associated with Christmas to prevent ads like this from happening. Join me this season for an entirely new tradition: Fully Erect Santa.

I'm not a fan of SNL, it's not that funny. But the joke they made implying the Pete Hegseth is a Dane Cook fan is A tier comedy.

Why to British people not use definite or indefinite articles before hospital? I could google it, but if I have to read one more AI generated answer, I'll make the evening news and have people start using my middle name

His name was Jed. He was a better actor than many human actors. No one said my choice had to be human.

They could never remake Escape From New York now. If you made a movie were the president was stuck in a New York prison, people would burn the theater down if it ended with him getting out.

People who think that Die Hard is a Christmas movie are the flat earthers of cinema. Ptolemy mathematically proved that Die Hard was not a Christmas movie 2000 years ago. The science is settled, you need to accept it.

A glory hole but it’s someone whispering you’re good enough and you’ve always been. 🫶🏼

I see my competition is going to be stiff for this years stupidest idea possible award. But I'm sure the judges will be impressed by sticking my dick in a running garbage disposal.

Commiting tax fraud is self care.

Kinky Santa just asked me if I have been naughty. I don't know what to say. This feels like a really loaded question.

Anti-war ideologues would ban the nuclear weapons that fuel our genocides, holocausts, and ethnic cleansings. Abandoning confidence in human resilience and creativity...They would stand human affairs on their head and pretend like we can't adapt to nuclear winter.

Furries everywhere are chomping at the bit (very intentional use of language) to see this movie that seems designed specifically for them!

The 4 day weekend was nice to celebrate the holiday. But now I need another 4 day weekend to play the video game I bought for myself in the vain hope that my friends and family would forget to invite me to Thanksgiving

Finding out someone famous is from Roseville is absolutely wild. It's like discovering that they have a grandmother who is a hamster; it makes no sense.

Gobble gobble 1/2

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Not happy Turkey day, which is October 29th.

The Space Raptor Butt Invasion series would get a 1.16$ billion dollar adaptation budget for the big screen.

Suck a dick, Leo. Every breath I draw without your permission is a breath I use to defy this rule.

Polygamy is great because my GF definitely has a type and I'm always looking for new players for a DnD campaign

Quédate con quien te mande esto. @svqcity.bsky.social ❤️

It says a lot about me that my polycule group chat is like 90% lotr gifs. I'm not sure what it says. But it's a lot.

Just heard back from the library about my request for a copy of kalivas or another tempest by nick mamatas. Apparently they have a form on the website and I am not supposed to be submitting requests by sticking them to the front door with a hunting knife. Who knew?! Technology really is a miracle!

The third thing is to physically shoplift it from a big box store and leave a creepy note in its place about how YOU WILL KILL AGAIN

I am barred by law in several states from ever singing under penalty of death by "getting buried under a big pile of wet dog food." But that doesn't stop me from enjoying musicals, the only place where I can sing along and sound good compared to all the theater kids also singing. boxd.it/bOZsYD

I like making sure people don't starve to death on the street and I am not particularly bothered by being yelled at by people who are frustrated by government bureaucracy.

The reason all those guys have their ford f-150s raised up so high is because they WANT you to steal their catalytic converter

I commented "the poor should not be hunted for sport" on reddit and immediately got a message saying that I was banned from r/Landlord

It's important to remain hopeful in life. Personally, I am hopeful that Andrew Schulz will accidentally add too much mayonnaise to his chicken salad and pass away from that being too much flavor for his body to handle.

No, I am not a lawyer. I chase ambulances because of my severe, untreated adult ADHD.

Me at 35: Romance is overrated. Let's NOT skip dinner. And then fall asleep streaming an episode of From together because wine makes us both sleepy now.

Your cat doesn't need a friend, he needs a parent. He's hanging with the wrong crowd, smoking cat nip and god knows what else.

I did all the research for my senior thesis in a haunted library. It's nice to have a second set of eyes, but the ghosts from the 1700s kept telling me my sentences needed 6 or 7 more commas.

If it wasn't for my ADHD, I would be unstoppable. ...and my autism. and some mild childhood trauma. and my bad shoulder. and I'm a little bit stupid not particularly handsome I'm not allowed to drive at night anymore. otherwise, unstoppable.

I don't want the Broncos to win, I just need the Chiefs to lose.

It's wild how every three months Trader Joe's has to recall some chicken salad with broken glass in it or spaghetti that has a bunch of dog teeth in it or something and we have all just accepted that like it's normal.

Coyotes are just wolves with autism

one time, many years before he got canceled, i got to personally witness someone show Virgil Texas the “Jar Jar Binks was secretly a Sith Lord” theory. he got really mad and huffy and repeatedly called it “sophistry”

Andrew Schulz is a comedian the same way that a 6 year old with cancer is a firefighter. Bless your heart for letting him play make-believe, but giving him a netflix special seems a little much.

Guys who want "trad wives" are truly innovating new ways of being an incel. So not only do you want your wife to cook from scratch full meals every day, but do it with a full head of make up, done hair, and a sexy (but still conservative???) dress?! You've unlock a whole new level of unfuckable.

Cheryl Hines is such an inspiration! I smile everyday thinking about her, knowing that even someone with a room temperature IQ can make it big

Starbucks is on strike and they are calling for a universal boycott. If I see a Starbucks cup in your hand I will slap the scab outta you

I know trashing on Sydney Sweeney for being racist is big right now. But just for some options of other celebrities we can pick on, we could make fun of Tom Selleck for owning one of those tiny mustache combs.

this is literally never not accurate

I know it's probably just me not being that into sports. But I can't be the only one who thinks football would be a lot better if they played naked, covered head to toe in lube, and the Superbowl was to the death.

::pouring a glass of water very slowly, taking a sip, and clearing my throat:: cuck schumer