Ive got an idea. Let's put a dollar up each day and let that shit roll over. First person, lawyer, politician, whoever, that takes that dickhead down can have it. Your boss is pressuring you not to write that story? Well how about some fucking powerball money?

I don't care what anyone says, I am convinced the wifi on the plane is always catching up to the plane like a cloud of bees.

I return from a long day at work. My wife looks at me. "Well?" She asks. I sense disdain. I take out my phone and show her a video of a duck who hates bread. She stares. Another one that is the pope in a track suit. My kids look on. I have barely a meme for the whole family.

Little confused in zootopia about what everyone is eating

Heavy is the head that wears a crown, he says as he posts a picture of Joe Biden run over by a tractor.

Earthworm?? The fuck other kind of worm is there

that tweet inspired my cross stitch magnum opus

These final four games are going to be filled with 20,000 of the worst lawyers youve ever met.

Jfc I'm going to have to root for Illinois??

Drake has faced worse consequences for pedophelia than Trump

Have we tried getting Kendrick to write a diss track about him?

I know there is a lot going on but good God did Drake get buried. He may never surface again. At this point when he dies it will be a quiet ceremony with his friends and family.

My daughter always wants me to stay in the room while she is going to sleep but always gets up. I used to try to make up sound reasons why she had to stay in bed like I was arguing on behalf of the union at a town hall. Now I'm like "you have to stay in bed or else your candy is ghosts"

Acab including Elf on a Shelf

"Too many Urkels on your team that's why your wins low" is the exact nexus of where good bad lines meet bad good lines.

Who's Jameis Winstoning this year, Cardinals?

Oh no, my beloved! You have committed murder! I will protect you at all costs, let me just think of a way. Think! Think! Ok, I have concluded the only way to keep you safe and not lose you to prison, or worse, is to make you president, where you will be held accountable for nothing.

In your maple soaked face Canada! Wooo! That being said, please consider accepting us in asylum claims.

incredibly touching moment during the TPUSA show when kid rock walked up to a five year old boy and kicked him in the back

The Bulls will be giving away second round picks to the first 1000 fans at Sunday's game.

It is never not funny that Republicans go "what about Clinton!? Look at Gates!!" Like yeah! put them in the pit too.

can i get deported?

Remember when they asked trump supporters in 2016 if he shot someone in the street would they still support him and they said yes but actually it turns out that he has done much much worse stuff.

I used to think only psychopaths and pathologic liars went into politics but I now understand that you also need to be super annoying.

The portal has opened again.

Ugh football season is almost over and I'm going to be stuck watching mid season basketball and people being murdered by federal agents all winter.

"failed is quite the reach, pal, you shipped me off like a piece of garbage. Can't wait to see you twice a year [puts on sunglasses and turns around]. Coach" Audience, boosted by a track in post production, cheers.

It's still hard to believe that part of life now is being asked if you are a robot and then having to check a box to confirm actually that you are not a robot.

Pointing out hypocrisy used to be fun, a little game. "You said increasing taxes wouldnt improve the schools but I found a study by your office to the contrary! got your ass!". Now it's like "I do not think the use of force is ok by my political enemies" while choking out the constitution.

The Bears are up 4 points over the Packers over the last 5 games combined.

Fuuuuucking hell that was awesome

Caleb Williams has the single season record in his second year. but he is also 9th all time for total yards for the bears, a 100 year old organization.

I have never seen a bears offense like this. For the first time in my entire life, it's 3rd and 12 or 4th and 6 and I'm like "fuck this is going to happen". but this time it's my team and it's a positive feeling.

This guy doesn't know shit, Jokic never laughs.

Modern philosophy has been begging for this exchange for 2 thousand years.

Bears Packers last 4 games in the final seconds. B19 P20 3 seconds left, blocked fg, P W B21 P22 2 seconds left, made fg, B W B21 P28 25 seconds left, P int on 4th down, P W B16 P16 4:54 in OT, 46 yard bomb, B W Lotta drama for two "ope" states.

I can't wait for post NBA Jokic. They are going to wheel him out to games where he will remain in his all you can eat box and they'll cut to him as he launches a no look 3 from the upper deck without getting up or pausing his conversation with a labor union leader.

Love being the guy who still wears shorts in winter. Laugh all you want. I save 50% on pants. “There he goes. Ol’ thermos legs.” I can’t hear you. I’m too rich and my legs are too warm.

My wife and I were watching the nuggets and they were playing the rockets and she goes "what is that? What is that logo". I'm like "that's the rockets logo" and she goes "it looks horrible. It looks like a tampon wearing a scarf"

It must suck getting struck out by Ohtani, like damn, I couldn't hit that. Only guys like Ohtani could have hit that.

I loved when they showed his highlights and he had like 110 yards and even the throws he did make were pretty bad. The guy plays like it's 1922 and the school paper just dubbed him the Corn Crusader.

I agree, scoreboard

Hell yeah

The AFC situation is once again going to be absolutely bonkers. And I'm going to die laughing if once again it ends with the bloodied victor getting thrashed by a team who has figured out that actually maybe you only need about 8.5 yards for a first down.

Games like this it kicks ass to live in the mountain time zone. The best of all time zones.

Matt Prater has now made field goals during five presidential administrations

Cam Newton absolutely furious right now

Twitter sports news section really on it. Parson's was traded a week ago, the commanders and giants are still playing, and neither qb is a rookie. Good try though!

It's 2034, you are hooded and led down a deep labyrinthine tunnel system. As you approach, the faint smell of syrup touched your nostrils. "I hear you have the plans for the Goya Sponsored Death Star" says Ms. Rachel. "Isn't this fun". A thousand voices respond, "Hands are clapping, clap clap clap."

Oh you know the muffin man? The muffin man who lives on Drury lane? Ok what's his name then, since you two are so fucking tight