I don’t really enjoy posting on this app - or scrolling on it, really - I don’t much enjoy any of the apps anymore. This being a fun thing to do feels more and more like a distant memory. Anyway, see you all tomorrow.

Tolkien once argued that the most beautiful words in the English language could be ‘cellar door’. This is thought to be because he died before anyone uttered the words ‘zinger banh mi’

All HP Lovecraft stories begin like “I will try and relay the events as best as I can manage, though what I encountered that September night may not be able to be expressed in human language, nor be comprehended by the human mind” and then the story boils down to ‘I saw a building that was large’.

I’ve written in the paper and there’s nothing you can do about it. www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/li...

I'm so sorry, the me that signs up to email newsletters is an entirely different guy to the me that checks his email

I’m kinda the Hunter S Thompson of writing about enjoying doing nice little romantic things www.theguardian.com/commentisfre...

The never tell you about the hardest part of being a parent. (Not laughing when someone else’s kid falls over)

At the Deathbed, by Edvard Munch, 1895

Credit to my nan, it’s hard to think of a funnier run of four singles to bequeath me. To be clear, these aren’t selected from the collection - this is the collection.

Well this is a tough way to find out Grace isn’t mine

My wife isn’t on bluesky so I get to announce that we’re having another baby the way I want, following in the footsteps of my favourite rock icon.

Unless a character in a film explicitly says the words “New Zealand”, you can safely assume New Zealand doesn’t exist in that universe.

I’ve recently seen The Brutalist and finished the first volume of Caro’s LBJ series and I feel the government should sent a text alert to warn anyone about to start a conversation with me.

PAUL MCCARTNEY: Hey I wrote a song about you ME: (shouting from my hill) Oh yeah - what’s it called?

We don’t need two Japanese decluttering gurus. Throw one out.

🚨Attention!!!🚨 I’m advertising my editing services. Hire me, I’m honestly sensational. If you write it, I can edit it. Enquire for a quote. freyadalysad.com/enquire

A lot of you

I was just telling my toddler to say thank you to the waiter. Then, as the bloke delivered the food I go “what do you say?” and she says “I love you, little boy.”

I think it would be nice if, at the end of every day, your toddler placed a crisp $50 note in your top pocket like a mob boss.

I have a note from my doctor that says mine is

actually the head turning is just part of watching tennis

So this is complete bullshit. It was just a zookeeper with a microphone.

a new annoying idea I came up with is arranging a bookshelf in chronological order based on when the main narrative is set

There’s something gnarly going on in every single Red Rooster in the country. Never in your life have you walked into a Red Rooster and gone “well, this is immaculate”

Died doing what he loved.

imagine getting punched in the stomach by Henry Winkler and as you gasp jukebox tunes start playing out of your mouth

Check the sponsors. Ask who is paying for this information. What do they have to gain? For example, this episode of Sesame Street is brought to you by the letter P - why? And what doesn’t P want you to know?

Spotify has included The Next Big Thing as one of its best romance audiobooks of 2024 - and who the hell are you to disagree?

My dear wife just copped an all-time answer to “what are you thinking about” - but you have to admit it’s fun to picture a timeline in which Cormac McCarthy was forced to go on Jimmy Fallon to sell his books.

A strong gust of wind blew in this afternoon and there was a crash from the back room. Only one object was broken. Probably doesn’t mean anything. I wouldn’t worry about it.

It’s email day. Everyone is back, they’ve had a day to settle in, and today you’re getting emails.

Throwing a bone to my least employable friends by texting ‘omg are you watching?’ periodically during the golden globes

I’ve been sat in front of the cricket and given a massive Ikea build. The dad equivalent of being taken to a toddler activity centre.

When playing chess, one of the most devastating moves your opponent can play is the dreaded check mate. This pretty much fucks you

It’s 2025 and time to say that this is a pointless way to spend your time. It has no artistic merit and adds nothing to the economy. If I see you doing this, it’s over for us.

Please remember, every firework you see tonight is someone's Nana

I think my favorite thing about Australia is that each bird here has its own unique beautiful bird song that sounds like a human or many humans crying out in the most terrifying and distressing way you have ever heard

I have reason to believe the Sydney Harbour Bridge has been rigged with some truly beautiful explosives

Just quietly, I know this year was tough for a lot of people, so I would like to personally guarantee that not a single bad thing will happen after the stroke of midnight tonight.

It stinks that weddings are the only time I’m ever referred to as ‘dearly beloved’. That would go so hard coming from the kebab shop guy at 1am.

Cricket is so much better than all that other bullshit you care about (family/friends etc)

Our #FullStory summer series begins! First up is @colley.bsky.social who spoke to me about how to be funny. I'm still not very funny ... but James is! Listen now 👇 @australia.theguardian.com pca.st/episode/8757...

In this situation, I would play my natural game, take the runs on offer, but I wouldn't throw my wicket away. I'd keep the ball down, move my feet, keep a strong forward defensive structure, head above the ball, and guide the ball to the gaps in the field without worrying about chasing down a total.

Wishing for Big Things for your 2025. Bust a quart. I’ll be taking some time off and might not check social media for 10-15 minutes.

We haven’t even reached the New Year and everyone’s already sick of me referring to 2025 as ‘busting a quart’

If someone is in my replies, I should be allowed to send them a death threat - I consider it the internet equivalent of finding them in your home uninvited.

Releasing a book where every paragraph ends with “Okay, go have a little scroll. You’ve earned it.”

Walked into my folks place and the cricket wasn’t on. Dad was watching Gilmore Girls. When I asked what happened he said he was “mad at sport” - all sport - for no reason he would articulate beyond “I’m sick of it and I don’t want it on.”

The secret to beating bumrah is to make sure your brain isn’t fully formed