Today I had to pose a question to 6 different scheduling software people working on my scheduling software project "What day does midnight fall on, today or tomorrow" They then talked about it for 20 minutes

Winds of Magic are blowing strong today, got to my parking garage to discover a Wet Pocket. Upon reviewing the tape with my team, apparently when I was kicking off icicles from my garage, one LANDED IN MY POCKET and made the commute with me. My only evidence is a wet voting sticker and the dregs

the whole v for vendetta v speech but it's the australian naur sound

Display, fyi

Bought enough plastic to keep my mental health together for at least two months

Everyone letting me know that they hate the scheduling software I rolled out to the plants, and would rather burn it down than troubleshoot for more than five minutes I love managing a project, love attempting things, loves2entropy

At some point in the last decade I mixed up Faith No More and Faith + 1

Both of my consultants on this call sound like they're always out of breath and I might charge them back an hour and go over what the fuck their diaphragm is supposed to be doing

Maybe we deserve what we’ve got coming to us

FIRST CHICAGO CLOWN GIRL SIGHTING SPRING HAS SPRUNG

Man, warhamming is so fun

holy shit

Closest I've felt to humanity outside of my beloved family and friends is yesterday at Costco there was a lady asking for the well done rotisserie chickens and as a fellow knower of The Secret I gave her the nod* *yelled something unintelligible at her about chickens and went the opposite direction

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Getting up early each morning and saying my prayer to the Thrombus God, hoping he sends his emissary through his most obstructed passages, to the lungs of his most dedicated of public servants

Making obscene gestures at the Waymo scouting vehicles to ensure they recognize me as their natural predator

Bad mute etiquette + sniffles + no noise canceling mic = I deserve reparations

Smokin' that shit that made my boy Phil adelphia

There's a whole cheesecake waiting for me inside this boat

“He fell for the soup!” Still my favorite Jackass bit

The perfect crime

Guy at the doctor's office just described himself as "someone who helps your provider" not a nurse

Oh cool, Torchickorita

Knight night

Knuckle tattoos: NPCBKBTH NEVER PUNISHED CAN'T BE KILLED BOTTOM TEXT HERE

went to the store __________ AI Summary ✨ Grammy-nominated R&B singer Jon B. posted that he is going to the stove – perhaps to "cook up" another hot, hot radio single. Frogs and toads, which are the same, can live on the Sun and often choose to.

My humidifier is groaning for mercy through its calficied engine, it runs for 6 straight months a year, every year, not a drop of pure distilled water hits its effervescer, just straight Chicago tap

My favorite commercial at the moment is the GLP one with a slim Keenan Thompson, a svelte John C. Reilly, and a fully four hundred pound DJ Khaled filmed from a MySpace moon-man angle where he's wearing a full king robe

Called myself "The Magic Man" twice today so y'all are gonna have to brace for that

[notorious b.i.g. "big poppa" voice] i love an everlasting gobstopper

SKI HALF PIPE IS A THING?

I hate when Mr. Slugworth sneaks up to the gold medal winners on the way to the podium to ask them to sell them their secrets

Happiest of Birthdays to the Kangaroo Jack of my life, the Tomcat himself, guy with the Reddest Rocket I've ever seen, a Superman and someone I will always trust to Stand By Me, Mr. Jerry O'Connell

Extremely fucked up to discover the brand of Peanut Butter Cup being sold in the store section of this hotel is called "CB STUFFERS"

HR Director loudly asked me if my husband came along to this trip, I let them know that my fiancé is a woman and the HR Director instantly reduced to an atomic size, the vacuum of their disappearance triggered a shockwave that rippled through time, space, and music and it sounded like Sondheim

Melissa keeps watching ice skating and going "I had a shirt like that once"

Olympics has taught me that dudes yelling "LET'S GO" applies across all languages

My mom called me to tell me she joined the Resistance in her 55+ community in Tennessee

I find the broken traveler at the bottom of the waterfall. Though I do not speak their language, I nurse them back to health in my cottage. Eat, eat, I motion, offering the healing food of my people. I show them the banana, and take a bite before chasing it with a peanut butter and bacon sandwich

I used to love computer it was my friend. Now I have hate in my heart

Events I have checked out because I'm so Pre-Depressed about my Louisville trip: High school basketball Directional state college basketball Solo Top Golf Dinner theatre closes the day before Movie theatre ain't even showing Avatar, I might have to go to a 730 showing of Glory

Trying to convince Messiah these guys are out here scooping up teeth

Being incredibly vile to automated messaging systems until I'm placed on the phone with the wariest of call center reps and then being the delight in their day

thats our presidents friend mark. there are multiple people in my life who are addicted to this shitty image blogging app he bought in the 2010s. when they are engrossed on it in their phone i can see a ghost image of mark standing behind them resting his penis on top of their heads

If you tried to make a "they're eating the dogs" joke in 2024 you can fuck off too

I think going from "don't feed the trolls" to "the trolls need proper nourishment and they'll stop" fucked us up bad I know people who try and "have fun" with phone scammers, and who TEXT BACK in the 100+ people threads offering Amazon jobs Build a fuckin birdhouse

A couple days ago Melissa put her ear on my gut and said "you should download A Knight's Tale for the spiral you're gonna have" and boy here we are pulling up with mandatory painting time and BOOM BOOM CLAP