If you tried to make a "they're eating the dogs" joke in 2024 you can fuck off too

I think going from "don't feed the trolls" to "the trolls need proper nourishment and they'll stop" fucked us up bad I know people who try and "have fun" with phone scammers, and who TEXT BACK in the 100+ people threads offering Amazon jobs Build a fuckin birdhouse

A couple days ago Melissa put her ear on my gut and said "you should download A Knight's Tale for the spiral you're gonna have" and boy here we are pulling up with mandatory painting time and BOOM BOOM CLAP

PROTOMEN STUCK THE FUCKING LANDING AFTER A DECADE I CRIED THREE TIMES

Citizen Science Report: Before I left for work I put my Brita under my dripping faucet and I'll be damned if it wasn't full when I got home +2 Exp +1 Object Permanence +1 Water

There's a payroll lady I would die for and she calls the company "Fiero" and our timekeeping system UTA she calls "UTI"

Really glad I quit drinking before Chipotle released the "eat Chipotle for every meal for 3-4 days" pack

Game fuckin ripped, this is some Coliseum shit

Wish I could Vulcan mind meld with the Uber driver to explain the stress of staying in the slow lane and having every single exit merge into your lane is WAY more stressful than being in the middle lane for a mile and merging back

Dawg i am ready to run through a brick fuckin wall

Knowing now how expressive Jon Hamm's face is and then rewatching Mad Men and seeing him pull these fuckin squinty cool guy looks is incredible

readin bout gundams

Lord grant me the strength to not take home a full vacuum sealed rack of pixies

Was talking about a lady who I once saw kill an entire Papa John in a lunch meeting in 2018, next day she's in my LinkedIn suggestions

Added a couple spammy recruiters on LinkedIn and now I'm seeing posts by people "taking a chance on myself! 💕" and moving to Dubai to join the "real estate" industry

scott adams accepting jesus christ at the last minute, saying he looks forward to spending eternity with him, opening his eyes and learning that jesus is black

EARLY AND AGGRESSIVE FRONTRUNNER FOR CHICAGOAN OF THE YEAR blockclubchicago.org/2026/01/13/b...

Big Momma’s Housu

Martin Lawrence of Arabia

Hey man, I'm the first guy saying video games don't cause violence, and media is only as inflential as you let it be, but Roblox is a mental illness generator

I'm throwing interceptions in NCAA 25 on Freshman difficulty that should get me benched for multiple years. Restructuring my NIL bad. Balls so bad they bring in an opthalmologist at halftime.

Thought of a lot of y’all 40K fans

I know this is corny to say but this is the real America, man. This is what it’s all about. This is what those freaks are trying to destroy & we won’t let them

Finished the holiday run of FF7, stomped Sephiroth, prolly 20 levels over but materia is so fuuuuuuun

Said my words bad and now I gotta go to fuckin Louisville again

What the fuck is this ad

Beating my head into a bloody pulp against a wall with every new enthusiastic "Happy New Year" message I get because the next one coming is a laundry list of things people didn't get done before the holidays

Every midsize church got at least one 7 footer

To adventure!

oh boy another 4 way commander game, haven't had a creature survive a round, got nine mana and no cards in my hand

2026; Classic

Yeah, the killer bee robots that burrow into your skull and inject you with acid until you die are pretty rough. I'm not saying I'm a fan of them, but they're not going anywhere so we just have to figure out how to adjust to work with them.

I never remember to lotion my hands until it’s too late. Every winter I’m walking around with bloody knuckles like some kind of leprous wastrel. I think I’d use lotion more if I could like, feel it working. I need a more powerful lotion. The fentanyl of lotion

If I had one wish I'd be for all our moms to stop doing the "my knife is dull enough I can use my thumb as a cutting board" move but somehow asking/teaching them to stop seems more dangerous than the act itself

Carol is concerned she has offended the cat

Helping my Little assemble a Christmas present via FaceTime and this is my view. It's going so well, trying to explain what a nut and a screw is without giggling

Daredevil hallway fight but it's all WWE moves

Don't know how much cake I have had today but I do know I haven't had a drop of water and my head hurts so it's around there

My older brother has a few elite moves and one of them is going to the closest Texas Roadhouse and getting a shit load of rolls for Christmas leftover sandwiches

Meringue split on my mom’s pie. Call that the pie of Sauron

The Big Cat has sent His Avatar, Ozzie

Showing the cat I share his passion for birding

A noble, trembling beast

FIRST THING CAROL SAID WHEN I HOVED THROUGH THE DOOR WAS WE HAD TWO HOURS TO BUY THE HAM

Ads with AI summaries telling you what to think about said ad is just one more straw on the targeted self immolation camel

Do not say "vtuber" to me

Going to Navy Pier with my little and his family, it's 0 with a wind chill of Eat Shit, let's go to work