Some tips for the protest: • put a bunch of loose screws in your pocket. It’s not illegal, and if somebody tries to reach in, ouchie! • bring a few jars of bees, just in case • wear a lot of those spiky wristbands and collars they sell at hot topic • ask a policeman to give you his radio

gf: honey please calm down...all the regents are in attendance me: oh so you agree with the jester? you think me a dandy? a peacock? a strutting fool of a bird?!? gf: i told you not to wear the Coat of Brilliance me (whispering harshly): i knew you hated my coat

Every time one of you says this, I hear this song in my head. Which is nice. Love this album! spotify.link/YpZ6gF3XwXb

I’m calling 911 on this guy

A generational talent. What a terrible loss

Happy New Tim Robinson Show night to those who celebrate.

David Simon, creator of ‘The Wire’, being interviewed by Ari Shapiro (NPR)

MF DOOM (I refuse to accept that he’s dead)

(Sounding smooth as hell) is there a mister Ms Pac Man?

These guys are so vulnerable to defecting to Chicago

Eating a bag of popcorn and a king sized butterfinger right before going to the dentist. Letting them know who calls the shots around here.

This Latin snack mix has a little something for the ladies

I’m seeing a lot of people clowning on Taylor Swift on the timeline today. Welcome, friends.

We describe the shaded area as indicative of a force so powerful it transforms every single Fortune 500 CEO into a fascist

They say if you feel a cold chill, that means a spirit or apparition has passed by. But what about hot chills? Simple. That means the ghost was a fat guy

This band is extremely My Shit. Perfect vibes. open.spotify.com/album/2jliA7...

My favorite part are the comedians that showed their whole ass and then got fired. All the reputational damage for none of the pay. Great job!

Sometimes, your kid brings home his school work and you realize he drew stink lines and a turd on an ox. Then you have to tell him not to do that, despite the fact that it’s funny as hell.

So exhausting..

Don’t tell me that your synthesizer has never gotten high. That’s bad

Fritolaysia Cuts Off Chiplomatic Relations With Snakistan https://theonion.com/fritolaysia-cuts-off-chiplomatic-relations-with-snakist-1819568143/

Call me Big 5 Sporting Goods the way I just had a clearance blowout

You know in action movies when a dude cranks another dude’s head to the side real quick and breaks there neck? That’s how chiropractors cure allergies

I decided to recap the Pro-One before I sell it. I replaced all the audio signal caps a few weeks ago and put it back together to test. It would work for a second and then fade out and then work again. I unplugged it and waited until today to troubleshoot.

They should make a Weirder Al who does parodies of Weird Al songs

Antonin ScAaliyah

On the way to school, the kids and I ride bikes by this house that has anywhere from 6-12 pugs in the front yard. We say hi to them every morning. Today, 5 of the pugs were standing in a circle watching two of the pugs bang. Pretty funny scene.

Maybe this is all a big mistake and everyone is getting ruptured

my wife finishes buckling my tear gas bandolier and kisses me sadly on the cheek. I hug my children. They don't know if I'll even be coming back to read them a bedtime story on any given day. It's the danger inherent to my job: finding the smallest woman I can and hurling her across a paved road

Waking up my kids to show them this

My son heard about this show called Lankybox from school and asked us if he could watch it. I did a quick google search and saw that it is a YouTube show, so my immediate answer was “I dunno.” I needed more time to look into it.

Why does every TikTok video have that weird robot British lady saying “nothing beats a jet 2 holiday.” What does that mean? I hate it

The neighbor:

The Left doesn’t understand. You can use multiple slurp juices on a single ape

KASH PATEL: I want boots on the ground! I want every nook and cranny in a 200 mile radius scoured ... *vengaboys ringtone plays* uh huh... uh huh... ok we'll come get him

Getting this song queued up for when the big one hits open.spotify.com/track/26lWSZ...

America is so back

Fucking nails the landing. What a king

Imagine being a 60 year old Mormon who looks like Tim Walz and getting falsely arrested for shooting what’s his name. “Gosh, officer, I don’t know.” Things of that nature.

Turns out being a universally reviled, unrepentant shithead is bad? Who knew

Oh yeah, I’m also selling an OP-1. You know you’ve always wanted one. www.sweetwater.com/used/listing...

Mother in law brought us some tomatoes from her garden and we had some jalapeños in our’s. You know what that means. Salsa time baby

I went and saw Last Comic Standing live at my local Indian casino many years ago because Arj Barker was on the bill. This guy headlined and I had to leave early because I got too mad

Restored his hearing!? Hey chat, do sounds travel from your ear through your neck to your brain?

I had an Italian sandwich for lunch

This whole things got me wondering what kind of sick shit the guy who took my appendix out was into