My boss sent me a meeting request for 3:30 this afternoon but that is when I’m supposed to be dreaming about the 2-3 Modelos I’m going to drink tonight. Mods?

I strongly dislike Fender Stratocasters and my distaste for them grows every day

If you think something is bad, but it turns out other people are doing it, that actually means it’s good. I’m very smart

hand-drawn by Modern Lover Jonathan Richman in 1970 showing bands that attempted “god like status” vs. “artistic death” - Sterling Morrison of the Velvets held on to it.

This is inadequate! They need to do more. They should record one of those videos where each person sings 1 line from John Lennon’s imagine.

Hey guys this is my favorite song about the end of the world. youtu.be/I3s0pOqn430?...

Snout down, tail up That’s the way we like to fox

I forgot to share that this single has now been released and is available wherever you get jamz open.spotify.com/track/3v4XVj...

Jesus Christ even in space you have to answer emails. We’ve built a hell world so powerful it is spilling into space

Reddit’s targeted advertising thinks I’m a doctor with a DUI. Kind of flattering, honestly

/Walking away from an overflowing toilet without looking back and putting on sunglasses like a cool action movie guy.

Let your haters be your later alligators at the table of after a while crocodiles.

Bob Dylan sounding exactly like a drunk clown: evREEbahDEE must get stOWned Music critics: holy fucking shit. Oh my god I’m gonna cum. Wowowow

I’m in Australia right now and all their light switches work in the opposite direction as in the US. This is one of the few indicators that I’m upside down

My large adult son White Geno is so amazeballs. He always orders choccomilk at those fancy sushi restaurants that get made when you ask for ketchup.

(Eddie Vedder) I’m going poopie (Chris Cornell) IM GOING POOPIE YEAAAAHHHH

Ok but did Afroman actually fuck that cop’s wife? Did the lawyer ask him about that?

Yuba City, California Pop: 120,456 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yuba_City,_California Images: https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=52788077 https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=113849899 https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=28737609

I was on a 30 min flight that took off at 8:30 and they turned off all the lights in the cabin. This isn’t a red eye! You maniacs are trying to get everyone to take the devil’s nap!

In this house, we recognize that chorus sounds spectacular on synths and kind of cheesy on guitars.

Enjoying things is one of my favorite pastimes.

You Honking on my Bobo?

After much consideration, I think I’m finally ready to rank the Hot Snakes albums: 4. Audit in Progress 3. Automatic Midnight 2. Suicide Invoice 1. Jericho Sirens

Sometimes, if you want things to get better, first they gotta get worse. That’s why I think we should have more daylight savings times. Change the clock 7 times a year. Have it be asymmetrical. No one should ever feel comfortable with what time it is

I saw one of these in the wild the other day and it got me thinking: they kind of look like Napoleon Dynamite.

Sure, Markwayne Mullin is his name, but it’s also what he says under his breath when he’s considering options

You’re only allowed to call it a burger if it comes from the hamburger region of the cow

They all look like buttholes to some degree

I made some artwork for my friend’s band’s new single

this is your mission. our pedophile president needs you to bomb this elementary school full of kids because he thinks it makes him look cool. also his scheming viziers will be betting money on it for fun. good luck soldier

Retire bitch

If you’re the person hiring a CEO to run that new HBO mega conglomerate, please consider me. Here’s my pitch: 2 Michael 2 Clayton Michael Clayton: Tokyo Drift Michael & Clayton Michael 5 Michael & Clayton 6 Clayton 7 The Fate of the Clayt Edens & Bach MC9 Michael X Michael Forever

What’s dying if not getting the most maxo relaxo you’ve ever been? Jesus got maxo relaxo for your sins.

There are free groceries all over our great country. You simply need to keep a square tip shovel in your car and be ready to pull over when you spot them splayed across the roadway

You haven’t lived until you’ve made a mixture of mineral spirits, boiled linseed oil, and spar urethane and applied it to a walnut shelf you built

I haven’t seen may people mention it on here, but I watched the first episode of HBO’s Neighbors the other day and I can’t stop thinking about it. Highly recommend

This is me heading out to not touch my tonite show money

Reporter: Do aliens exist? Obama: *chuckles* Technically no, a time ghoul is from Earth. Just not today’s Earth

It snowed in Chico today, which I don’t believe has happened in 24 years. I think we should get to call a snow day even though it barely stuck and is more of a dusting

Fahrenheit is how tall you have to be to get on the rides at the county fahr.

Me after I ladle a little bit of pasta water into the sauce: mamma mia! I make a the pasta! Oh!

It’s Friday afternoon, so you know what that means: time to start daydreaming about the 2-3 Modelos I’m going to drink in my garage.

Tig Notaro sounds like something a wizard would say to turn a cat into a court recorder

Earlier today, I waved back to a person who was actually waving to someone behind me. Thank you for respecting my family’s privacy as we work through this difficult time.

through my nightly communications with the moon i have learned that the moon doesn't want this cunt anywhere near it. maybe try the sun.