There is a reason I don’t want anybody to see my search history and it’s not porn.

Please come back at another time I am currently emotionally

I’ll nominate Donald Trump for the Nobel Peace Prize myself if he shuts up and lets me think for five fucking minutes.

Murder! at the Vicarage

Hear me out guys: Tai Chi orgy.

I’m afraid that I have made the difficult choice to begin charging you motherfuckers rent for living in my head.

Thinking of starting an OnlyFans for people who get off on middle-aged men eating entire pizzas and crying.

Exciting news guys, I just found a tiny little quadrant of my psyche that has no emotional wounds.

Had sex today. Pleasantly surprised. Should’ve given this a try when I was younger.

Always thought I’d eventually, reluctantly have to give up on Bill Burr. Never in a million years thought it would involve Saudi blood money.

Unfinished analogies are like screwdrivers

*slides into your dms* I have an eyebrow fetish.

CFO OF A LASER COMPANY (speaking on an earnings call): In summary, we’re ’laser-focused’ on maximizing investor returns this quarter! Ha-ha, see what I did there? Seriously, though, this new government contract to build a weapon that shoots immigrants from space is fantastic news.

Hey, did you guys know that there’s a building full of toxic garbage right in the middle of Austin, Texas? It’s called the Comedy Mothership.

Sometimes I eat things simply to confirm that I’m not a ghost yet.

Gonna sabotage every goddamn escalator Trump rides from now on, just try to stop me.

Hey y’all. It’s my birthday! On July 24th, 2024 I was so close to dying that I coded in the ER and the doctors were telling my family I might be brain dead even if I made it. Today I’m gonna show my kids ‘E.T.’ for the first time. Don’t let the bastards fool you: being alive is worth it.

Seriously though guys who much does this all suck?

I like to ‘gamify’ my sex life by allowing women to ‘deduct points’ for everything I do in bed that ‘makes them wish they were having sex with a different person.’

Imagine what would happen if every single dead kid in Gaza were treated like Charlie Kirk.

You know why they’re being so vague about the guy who shot Charlie Kirk? Because it was Jeffrey Epstein.

This sucks, they don’t even assassinate cool people anymore.

Jeffrey Epstein (with a flaming pitchfork up his ass): Welcome to hell, Mr Kirk. I’ll show you to your room.

Amateur archeologist uncovers tomb of amateur mummy.

More like Charlie Jerk amirite folks

Happy 9/11 to all who celebrate!!!

I had no idea Bill Burr was Japanese.

If you’d told me when I was a teenager that I would one day constantly be finding women’s underwear lying around my house and not remember whose it was, I would’ve been psyched. Now, as the father and husband of two disorganized women who are the same size as each other, not so much.

We’re so excited for you to meet our baby, but heads up: she has a birthmark on her cheek that looks like you, specifically, getting hit by a 1997 Toyota Corolla

I’m going to preserve my sperm after I die so that thousands of years from now, when humanity is on the verge of extinction, people will wonder why a few better men didn’t preserve their sperm.

I just hope that humanity finds a way to stop Joe Rogan before he becomes sentient.

Fun fact: the very first person who retweeted this in 2016 is in prison now.

I have decided that this passage from ‘100 Years of Solitude’ will be engraved on my tombstone.

‘Fat whiny losers’ is happening again and I’m not sure why but I’ll take it.

Cliched joke format on the streets, debilitating ennui between the sheets.

Well at least the diet is going according to plan.

Was super depressed so I went to see Toxic Avenger. I am now slightly less depressed and the other guy in the theatre seemed to enjoy himself as well. Thank you, world.

America’s 9/11 mayor, Rudolph Giuliani spent the morning NOT shitting his pants. Later in the day he was involved in an incident in which his spine was fractured in 145 different places. He remained steadfast in absolutely NOT doing diarrhea in his pants during this event.

Cum?

I designed my first t-shirt!

Prepping for doomsday by kidnapping my therapist and locking him in the bunker under my house.

Fuck you guys, I’m done being ‘funny’ or ‘interesting’ or ‘a person who showers regularly.’

Kind of hoping that some point soon the ‘bros’ will begin to realize that being MAGA is now officially the dorkiest, most establishment move you can make.

Man, I sure miss presidents with a fully developed sense of object permanence.

The moon landing wasn’t faked and yet the moon itself is fake, a paradox which continues to baffle scientists

Excited to see that, with the new ChatGPT, humans have finally invented a computer that’s dumber than me.

when u vapin’ and holdin’ an ipad at the same time

The Beatless

Commercial that's like, "Fascism is here. And so are our back-to-school savings"