Seen on the door of a gynecologist. “Always at Your Cervix”

I got scammed again, went to the store and bought a can of fly spray. Used it all over myself and I still can’t fly

Have you ever been nice and asked the cashier at the market what their favorite candy bar is and then buy it for them ? I love doing this ! (at the self checkout)

Do you know why women really like watching Curling 🥌 ? It’s the only time they get to see a man using a broom 🧹

Bringing the fox beanies to MCFC this week! 🦊

At the Legume Growers Society meeting the guy who discovered the chick pea was giving an award for his work. Unfortunately he had passed away so it was awarded Post Hummusly

I got a job at a paperless office, it well till I had to use the bathroom

I got my Shingles shot last week, this week I plan to get one for vinyl siding

I actually really liked the halftime show. It was quite clever and the choreography was excellent. Much better than I expected.

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, comb my hair, brush my teeth, straighten my clothes and eat vegetables. Turns out I was on the mothership.

Why couldn’t the rabbit fly home for Easter ? He didn’t have the hare fare

What’s the worst kind of cat to have ? A catastrophe!

I’ve had problems trying to sleep. Been counting sheep but evidently I have sheep apnea

I told the wife I wanted super sex tonight. She replied, Soup

I’d like to take a moment and thank all my followers for putting up with all my mediocre jokes. Thanks for sticking with me !

Do you know why a T Rex can’t do somersaults? because of their short arms ? No, because they are dead, geesh

Apparently the Winter Olympics starts with skiing and it’s all downhill from there

Two bacteria walk into a bar and go behind the counter. Hey you two can’t go behind there ! It’s ok we’re staph

I replaced my rooster with a duck, now I wake up at the quack 🦆 of dawn

I’m so excited that the Winter Olympics are starting and that I’m only an hour away from Milan ! Unfortunately it’s Milan Illinois and it’s not even pronounced the same way. 😢

Apparently the life of a winter Olympian can be rather lonely with all the time spent practicing. I’m sure you’ve heard of the Lonesome Luger 🎶

I bought a box of animal crackers, but had to return them. The seal 🦭 was broken

I forgot to get sausage at the store ! You know, because it’s Ground Hog Day 😁

Anyone hear any new Groundhog Day jokes ? I just keep hearing the same joke over and over

I was getting dressed this morning and opened up my wardrobe, there was a lion inside and I asked what he was doing and he said, Narnia Business !

The Sunday afternoon family movie is The Titfield Thunderbolt. Because, you know, trains 🚂 It’s about trains. I’m sure I don’t have to elaborate, because it’s Trains 🚂. 😁

The family Saturday night movie is Groundhog Day.

Today I’m going to start that Digital Detox that’s all the rage right now. I’ll check in every 10 minutes and let you know how it’s going. 😁

An old man was out in his rowboat, he saw a bunch of fish. Hello little fishes, what kind of fish are you ? They yelled back Can you speak up as we are a little herd of herring

Do you know how you can tell the difference between a Grandfather clock and a Grandmother clock ? By the Dong

Doctor, You just need to diet and exercise. So Doc it’s terminal then ?

💔

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost ? Bamboo

What’s the first thing the taxi driver said to the wolf 🐺 ? Where, wolf 🐺 ? No, just common timber variety

My cousin keeps yelling Broccoli 🥦and Cauliflower We think he has Florets

A dyslexic walks into a bra

My friend is an expert making clown shoes. That’s no small feat

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $100 steak? Going out on February 14th

Did you hear about the two radios that got married ? The reception was incredible

What do you call an empty can of Cheese Wiz ? Cheese Was

This is what I have and is why I have that large walking stick. I wear braces on both legs but in suit I can’t, that’s why I move slowly and methodically with each step. youtu.be/r_aLp3SLwso?...

So cold here in Illinois. Really don’t want to crawl under a 100 year old car and put on the relined parking brake band. Decided to watch 101 Dalmatians. I remember watching this in the theater and being pleasantly surprised when I realized it was being told by the dog’s perspective. Still love it

I might be able to hire you, can you type fast. Sure, F A S T No, I meant can you type quickly ? Q U I . . .

If your boyfriend doesn’t appreciate fruit jokes you just have to let that Mango 🥭

How do cows 🐄 shop ? From cattle logs

The wise man poops on company time, the fool poops on their break time.

YES !

So many people are hung up on correct grammar, I could care fewer

Anders Vistisen, a Danish member of the European Parliament, speaks for all of us!

Years ago if someone got plastic surgery it was a big deal, nowadays hardly anyone raises an eyebrow 🤨