I just asked if he really thought cramming into the armchair with me while I’m working is comfortable.

It’s 4:20, when the cool kids smoke their doobies. Meanwhile, I just finished vacuuming, which is its own kind of high, I suppose.

I remember, too A distant bell And stars that fell Just like the rain out of the blue When my life is through And the angels ask me to recall The thrill of them all Then I will tell them I remember you “I Remember You” —Victor Schertzinger & Johnny Mercer

Reskeet if you see your kink: Restraints Role-play Feeding the birds & squirrels Being crushed by a giant Praise Unconditional love Forehead kisses Grilled cheese sandwiches Tentacles Napping Universal healthcare

While I still have all this top notch illness bass in my voice, I really oughta go out and karaoke some Johnny Cash songs.

Not since Prohibition have so many Americans wanted to commit the same crime at once

I dropped my phone on my toe, so I’m listening to the love theme from Octopussy to console myself.

I just went over to position the two dogs together in the dog bed because they seemed unwilling to give each other room, and when it was done I added “See, this is how we share,” and it’s possible I’m spending too much time alone at home with them.

The world’s so totally off the rails right now that I’m afraid the Pope will die and somehow Trump will get to appoint Joel Osteen as his replacement.

I just paid a heating bill that cost more than what I paid in rent for my first apartment. 😳

In the new Captain America movie, a former Russian asset is running for Congress. Which seemed ludicrous to me until I remembered a current Russian asset is actually president, so real life is now officially more far-fetched than superhero movies. Not sure I love that for us.

Rainy afternoon. Feeling crappy. So I’ve decided to lay on the couch reading comic books and watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

Somebody gently rubbing my belly and telling me “you’re a good boy” would probably fix me.

Time to celebrate Valentine’s Day the way I do every year: slap on a diaper, go stand on the overpass and fire arrows into cars passing on the freeway. So, keep love in your hearts today, but more importantly, keep low. Xxxooxx!

I JUST realized I have a three-day weekend! I think I forgot about Presidents Day because I spend all my time trying to forget about the President.

If you see this, post a photo with no explanation.

Here’s a narrative I’ve never understood: “oh Ho Ho, look at all the silly men rushing out at the last minute on Valentine’s Day to buy flowers.” Flowers DIE. QUICKLY. Why would you get them at any time other than the last possible minute before you give them to someone? What am I missing?

My boss gave me pushback when I told him I was taking Michael McDonald’s birthday off as a religious holiday. In my defense, I cited the traditional hymn “Yah Mo B There,” which I think has settled things.

I have decided on only upbeat songs today. The sequence thus far: Caravan—Van Morrison Queenie Eye—Paul McCartney (Marie’s the Name) His Latest Flame—Elvis Presley Southern Cross—Crosby, Stills & Nash Summer Girl—HAIM September—Earth, Wind & Fire Feel free to add your own!

the horrors will persist until all humans evolve into crabs

Having endured a slew of disturbing #SuperBowl commercials featuring AI and digital wizardry to give us Seal on a seal, Martha Stewart dancing, fleshy heads shaped like cowboy hats, dancing tongues, mustaches & eyebrows, I have just one response.

Running out of time for my “Will five Schitt’s Creek cast members have Super Bowl commercials this year?” prop bet to pay off. We got four. Annie Murphy? Emily Hampshire? SOMEONE MUST HAVE CALLED CHRIS ELLIOTT, COME ON.

Post a photo of you all dressed up.

As a grocery shopper, I’d like to know who decided to schedule a snowstorm and the Super Bowl in the same weekend. Seriously, I just want to talk.

Feeling like shit AND it’s Friday. What I’m saying, I guess, is that there should be a wildly adjusted expectation of how much work I’ll be getting done today.

Hey #bluesky, out of curiosity, is there are a way to find out if you’ve been added to a starter pack? Cause I’ve suddenly got a glut of new followers!

Not feeling well today, so I’ve called off work, put on some Sade, and climbed back into bed with the dogs.

Overnight, I picked up 17 new followers, confirming my long-held belief that I am at my best and most engaging when I am fast asleep.

My anxiety is thru the roof, I hope 9 cups of coffee & 14 hours on social media helps

I just got kicked out of Old Navy, and in my defense, any store with such an aggressive “no dancing” policy has no business playing “Bye Bye Bye” in the first place.

How songs take us back. Me, in 1990: Will that girl I’m so in love with ever think of me as more than a friend? (She did, for awhile.) Will I ever stop hating how my body looks? (Not yet.) Will I get that part in the spring musical? (I did!) Am I REALLY ready to start college next year? (I was.)

I know, rationally, that January is FINALLY set to end today. However, there’s a part of me that won’t be surprised at all if I look at my phone tomorrow and see January 32nd on there.

A mysterious black envelope was just slipped through the mail slot in my door, so I figure it’s either a cryptic message that will lead to me getting trapped in the Black Lodge with Laura Palmer or an invite to an Eyes Wide Shut-esque sex party. Not sure what to wear either way.

I just walked into a grocery store that smelled like dirty diapers. PASS.

therapist: you can’t just scream all the time seagull:

Hey, just a reminder that I love you and you should drink some water.

Random Question for Science: Who’s your Top 5 concert bucket list? Must be someone you’ve never seen, but who you could conceivably still see. (i.e., not dead). Here’s my Top 5 Brandi Carlile Sade Chris Stapleton Adele Take That #music

Make a band meatier. Linkin Pork

My daughter lost her first tooth and put it under her pillow. I replaced it with an even bigger tooth. She wants to play tooth games? Let's dance.

A critical element for any man to maintain a positive self-image is not being able to see what the back of his head looks like. Seriously, guys: after you hit 40, you don’t EVER want to seek out this information.

All day long, I’ve thought it was Thursday, not Wednesday. Might be I’m confused because of the day off on Monday. Or it’s possible it’s a desperate desire to be one day closer to oblivion. Ehhhh, it’s probably the holiday thing.

When things are as dark and fucked up as they are now, music is my greatest refuge. Today, when fear & hate seem to have won, I turn to Brandi Carlile, and the song that best sums up the belief that if we somehow weather this storm, goodness can and must win in the end. m.youtube.com/watch?v=5r6A...

Tried to coiff a quiff today in tribute to David Lynch, but it came out looking more like Eraserhead.

The Village People are playing the inauguration. There’s not much about MAGA that makes me laugh, but it will never stop being funny to me that their fearless leader’s theme song was written as a tribute to a place where gay men used to go and hook up with each other.

A single image from a film that immediately makes you hear the song from the soundtrack playing in your head

I’ve just eaten a bad piece of pineapple, and the day is effectively ruined. It was like licking Satan’s taint.

As one of a small minority of Americans who’s been a fan for 25 years and seen him in concert (twice!), it’s fascinating to me to suddenly see the interwebs full of Robbie Williams discourse. I’m not sure US stardom is in the cards, but what a journey THAT would be.

Good morning from the goodest boys that ever gooded. #dogs

TIL that Russell Hitchcock from Air Supply is tatted up like a metalhead granny and it broke my brain.

It’s the first Monday morning of the New Year, and one of the dogs decided to kick things off by spontaneously peeing in their new Christmas dogbed. So, that’s how we’re gonna play it, huh, 2025?