so i got laid off from elite prospects yesterday. but that doesn't mean i'm getting out of the takes business. i am more committed to takes than ever. so i hope you'll check out my new site for perfect takes. its called "perfect takes." thanks. perfecttakes.beehiiv.com

guy who pronounces Seattle like Chipotle

I don’t know anymore if I like things ironically or genuinely anymore. Anyway, this song rules. youtu.be/l6DOGITIfAY?...

The Bat Signal can only work at night, so why don’t they do all the crimes during the day when Batman is less effective anyway? You’re already a clown or a penguin or a guy wearing a question mark suit or the ex-district attorney, it’s not like the cover of night is hiding your identity anyway.

ah, shit, I just put a soda can in the garbage bin

St. Louis hockey edition: Jon Hamm is a poser Blues fan. The power play dance caught on when people were making fun of a mentally disabled child. Towel Man is a wanker who does his shtick everywhere, including at least one of his children’s weddings. John Kelly is not good at play-by-play.

I love watching my favorite streams and getting ads for Depends adult diapers with spokesman Deion Sanders. I need to see what my ad profile says about me.

The quickest preorder of my life. The first Pants book is a cherished item that lives next to Hitchhiker’s Guide and my junior novelization of Dumb and Dumber.

I caught my Counting Crows shirt folded in a non-HR approved manner before morning standup instead of after.

No way Gretzky could score 90 in today’s NHL. Today’s goalies use a couple Darren Pangs as their pads.

I saw Black Keys play their hits: Ford Truck Month, Busch Beer, and Sports on TV.

Pee Poo Barf Cum Boogers Woman

I’m in Brookfield, Wisconsin. Wtf is this place?

How many of these shitty retention ponds does Minnesota count toward their 10,000 lakes?

If I take a dump in the Minneapolis airport, how long do I have until my poop floats by my house in St. Louis?

The few joys in life are not getting STD tested when in a monogamous relationship and not having someone in the middle seat on a flight. Guess who is double scoring today.

Happy early Mother’s Day to all the moms out there. But especially mother of two Ellen Taylor, 38.

Are all y’all fucking stupid? No shit you didn’t have “Hantavirus cruise ship” or “Michael B. Jordan Oscar” on your bingo card. Bingo cards are B-7 or O-63. idoits

The lady in front of me at Dollar Tree is buying bbq corn nuts and a pregnancy test. I hope it works out for her. She’s paying in singles. The checkout lady wished her a happy Mother’s Day.

“A dead body is the ultimate weighted blanket.” —my 11-year old

Got up at 5 AM because the puppy shit diarrhea all over his crate. When my wife let him out, he shook himself off splattering diarrhea all over the living room. Real text I had to send to my boss: Gonna be late logging on. Going to Office Depot to buy screen cleaner to get dog diarrhea off my tv.

Jesus, Etc. - Wilco Round Here - Counting Crows Thunder Road - Springsteen Walls (Circus) - Tom Petty Feel Me Flow - Naught By Nature Return of the Mack - Mark Morrison Pomps & Pride - Toots & the Maytals Scenes from an Italian Restaurant - Billy Joel Sister Golden Hair - America

My Wayne Gretzky Oilers jersey is not nearly as cursed as my wife’s Bobby Hull Black Hawks jersey.

fuck this gif has come in handy #stlwx

When I first started dating my wife, I made her a offseason valentine that said “I [artichoke heart] you” because I recently tried cooking an artichoke and failed and it was a funny early endearing dating cooking fail. She interpreted it as “I oughta choke you.”

Non-evil media conglomerate.

My BIL has been keeping up with a bit for ~15 years with every single person he texts with where he adds an asterisk after every single message. I’ll be there later* Eat shit* Happy birthday* When asked about it, he says his phone carrier “Just does that for some reason.” Fuckin funny dude.

Absolutely incredible. NASA Astronaut Reid Wiseman, who commanded Artemis II, took this footage from the far side of the Moon with his iPhone. Watch with sound on.

The local soft rock channel is currently playing Low by Usher, Ludacris, and Lil John. I used to see people get so drunk to this song that they would need to be carried home. Now they listen to it at the dentist office.

Sirens going crazy in the city. I guess the basement is cool for a little bit.

I’m really digging this Balatro-like/Scrabble-like game Beyond Words on #NintendoSwitch Created by some of the people who made Goldeneye and Perfect Dark, too. www.nintendo.com/us/store/pro...

Maybe the crime is weak on pope?

“The Pope is weak on crime” hit me like I’m a sleeper agent master thief and now I must go and steal the bean from Lima or some shit.

After the intro flourish of Showdown by ELO, right when the groove kicks in

Inazuma Eleven: Victory Road is a better soccer game than FIFA/EA FC has been the past decade.

this is peak #gaming right here

There has never been a good Sonic the Hedgehog game.

Live your life with the unearned confidence of the Arby’s on Chippewa next to the Lion’s Choice.

It fucking sucked losing my job last year because I couldn’t get behind my homophobic red-hatted boss’ love of AI.

The new VERY hagriographic Michael Jackson biopic starring MJ's nephew is out at the end of the month. But back in 2004 an unauthorised and EQUALLY flattering biopic was made in Canada. Here is a clip and I promise you have NO idea where it's going. I haven't done a single edit here.

I bet those astronauts aren’t even good at curling.

This is going to come in handy during tornado season.

Dallas and it’s not even close.

I just found out my wife has never used the notes app on her phone. She writes texts to herself and then sends them.

look at this cool owl that just landed in my back yard

Shitty version of Carmen Sandiego where she steals lesser St. Louis landmarks.