NEW PODCAST: “The 9pm Capybara of Hope with David F Porteous” @dfpiii.bsky.social (1h03m00s) the9pmedict.com/edict/00269/ Look for “The 9pm Edict” in your podcast app. Like it? Please tell people, and maybe throw in a tip at the9pmedict.com/relocate/.

White people love to be named some shit like Bumper

The mirror universe version of Sir Mixalot - who does not like big butts but can lie - is, for all meaningful purposes, indistinguishable from the original Sir Mixalot. Discuss.

Really, it's been a week of triumphs for JD Vance. I hear he got the Tuesday Wordle on the second guess and netted a free Milky Way from a vending machine mistake. Just W after W.

NEW PODCAST: “The 9pm Peak Sheep with David F Porteous” @dfpiii.bsky.social (1h15m38s) the9pmedict.com/edict/00264/ Look for “The 9pm Edict” in your podcast app. Like it? Please tell your friends and maybe support by crowdfunder at the9pmedict.com/relocate.

Saw a message - "ChatGPT is down. Now I have to use my brian." Chef's kiss, no notes.

Phan confirmation is the best, least surprising news of the week.

NEW PODCAST: “The 9pm Uncommon Death Adder with David F Porteous” @dfpiii.bsky.social (1h18m21s) the9pmedict.com/edict/00253/ Look for it in your podcast app of choice. Like it? Please tell your friends and consider throwing in a tip. the9pmedict.com/tip

This happens to everyone, right?

Passed 70,000 words in the book today. Is this half way? Unclear. It's part of my approach to writing that I know how the book finishes, but I don't know everything that needs to happen between here and there.

Like a week ago "After the Gold Rush" by Neil Young crept into my head. Delightful, honkily-twanky song with a name and context I don't understand. It's very much like an owl that somehow got trapped in a banjo.

The comments of Diane Abbott on the fact that visual minorities experience discrimination in different ways than other minorities are *obviously* true. It isn't antisemitic to say that you can see a black person half a mile away, but you can't tell if someone is Jewish just by looking at them.

This is a monstrosity.

I'm not a big conspiracy theorist. But... I think... maybe... it's possible... Israel tried to fix the Eurovision Song Contest. That's crazy though - right? RIGHT?

"New phone, Houthis" is my favourite Houthis pun looking for a joke. Right after "Timhouthis Chalamet". This is the experimental phase of joke development. This is how you invent joke velcro.

@stilgherrian.com I see the Liberals are experimenting with a new leader - like a summer girlfriend. Not someone they'll marry. Probably not even take home to meet the parents or introduce to all their friends. A pleasant memory to look back on before they get serious (around 2027).

Boop.

Implement a 100% tariff and ruin a movie Big Trouble in China

Steven Miller's favourite Game of Thrones character is Joffre.

BTW - congratulations to Canada and Australia. Good job everyone. England's local elections continue to be problematic....

The dumber the thing you want to say, the more flags you need to say it in front of.

Guys... 1 man vs 1 gorilla isn't a certain outcome. We're the apex species. Have some damn self confidence.

Star Wars rules are very clear - big fat Jedis are more powerful. In all 7 of the films I'm prepared to acknowledge, we never see a big fat Jedi get killed, while tiny little Yoda loses or draws every fight, then dies of boredom or possibly trench foot. Checkmate, doctors who believe in the Force.

To all the people out there who aren't tired - how?

NEW PODCAST: “The 9pm Bears of Heaven with David F Porteous” @dfpiii.bsky.social (1h36m17s) the9pmedict.com/edict/00246/ Look for “The 9pm Edict” in your podcast app. Like it? Please tell your friends and maybe throw in a tip at the9pmedict.com/tip.

"Ocarina of Slice of Bread on Top for Patriots" is probably going to be the smartest thing I say all day and it's infinitely niche and objectively very stupid.

What won't make it to the podcast - the line: "You can sing the n-word in Goldfinger, it's just tougher to get it in than Gold Digger. But if you really want to command the attention of the karaoke bar, that's how you do it." I'm not even saying I said it - I'm just saying it won't be in the pod.

I keep performing black magic rituals in my dreams. That's nothing to worry about, right? That's a thing that happens to all of us non-doomed, un-cursed flesh beings from time to time? Anyway, back to bed. These candles in the shape of baby heads aren't going to arrange themselves probably.

I understand that Australia faces the difficult choice between a terrible option backed by the Murdoch press and a good option opposed by the Murdoch press. And there's a very angry bench involved.

ROUTINE PLUG: The current crowdfunder is currently 79% of the way to Target One with five and a bit days to go. I’ve just added the rewards relevant to “Another Untitled Music Podcast” should you want more of those. Please consider. I’ll update you tonight. the9pmedict.com/mid2025

60,000 words. After some delays. Very exciting.

You guys know the iceberg that was hit by the Titanic was *also* destroyed like 112 years ago. You think icebergs live forever? NO. Don't see a lot of documentaries about that.

I've become so addle-brained that I just reflexively skipped forward twenty minutes on a YouTube video because I was bored. It's 24 hours of rain noise.

If it turns out the Trump tariffs were created by AI, that would be peak 2025. People who don't think, asking a machine that doesn't know, presenting it all as the genius of the supreme leader, to the applause of rubes.

If anybody April Fooled me, I missed it. Probably got poisoned.

Prospective titles for my unforthcoming standup special: *I'll Sleep When I'm Dead (I Hope) *Has A Medium-Sized Penis *Under Oath & Lying Still *Associated with a Ruckus *Help, I'm Stuck In The Poster Printing Machine And This Is My Only Way To Communicate With The Outside World *Big Time Racist

I don't know who to speak to about this, but it's completely unimportant and I need you to know. Serums. You've seen them. They're the things you put on before you put on moisturiser. They have special things in them - like magic and alien science. And when you see videos of people using serums...

In *my* day job, I'm not allowed to sell any Venezuelans into slavery in a third country. It's taken HR several days to come back on this, but now they're firm about it. Very firm. Like "no, you can't appeal this" firm. Another example of it being better to seek forgiveness than to ask permission.

Shakespeare appreciation post

He's not wrong though - everything is computer.

420 years from now, they'll release files that prove Switzerland killed Kennedy because he hated clocks.

My favourite example of future-in-the-past anachronisms is that everyone in Star Trek just shouted their passwords. And they can't stop doing it!

BTW - I have never sold a single book in Russia. As far as I know. Just in case the CIA are listening and have to spend a big budget before financial year end.

The CIA promoted Jackson Pollock paintings to annoy the Soviets (perhaps creating modern art). There's a lesson for aspiring artists in any field - when seeking grant funding, loudly declare at every opportunity how much your country's enemies don't like what you're doing. #amwriting

When you accidentally send all of your direct reports at work a note about how, sometimes, “too many cups” bewilder you. #leadership

An update on what I #amwriting, including a new chapter two describing the imprisonment and escape of our hero from the dungeon of an ancient fortress. Comments welcome here and on blog. www.dfpiii.com/blog/the-scu...

An update on what I #amwriting, including a new chapter two describing the imprisonment and escape of our hero from the dungeon of an ancient fortress. Comments welcome here and on blog. www.dfpiii.com/blog/the-scu...

Going to canada and referring to Tim Hortons as timmy ho ho’s

Dreamt that I met Bryan Cranston. He was cycling - uphill, with some difficulty - had a short mohawk and was wearing a navy blue cocktail dress. I said "I'm a huge fan" and so forth. He said something like "Yeah, yeah. Bye." It felt like a very authentic celebrity encounter.