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friend: why did you cut off the sleeves of all of my shirts me: this is america, you have the right to bare arms

do you guys have any idea how fun of a month it’s been to be someone who loves annoying people about Taylor Swift

i’m not “overreacting” and i don’t “need to chill” you need to start regular reacting and have a meltdown

friend: you need to work on your judgementalness me: yeah that’s not a word

i wanted to learn how to juggle bc people are always saying i’m dropping the ball

i’m actually a huge bitch, i’m just also a recovering people pleaser

have you guys heard of libraries? it’s insane they just hand out free books and movies, you just gotta pinky promise to give them back

ya i’m sensitive and dramatic it’s called being WHIMSICAL and CUTE look it up

sinbad implies the existence of singood

damn the fruit in california is so good. and i don’t even mean bc i live in a gay neighborhood

tight end doesn’t sound like a real football position, i thought we were all talking about travis kelce’s ass

guy: wow this food sucks person who invented salt: let’s add rocks to it guy: what

ever since i was a little girl i really wanted to know wtf was going on

i got a note in my improv scene that i wasn’t acting sad enough for someone whose dad just died reader, my dad DID just die

Washington, D.C.? more like Washington, Diet Coke

“i asked chatGPT” i asked my therapist and he agrees that you’re a moron

trying a new strategy, when someone doesn’t have a crush on me back i decided it’s bc they’re scared they’ll fall in love with me 😔💔

i love to cook, but my real passion is setting off the fire alarm.

my instagram usage is basically 0, except when i have a crush on someone and i check the app every 45 seconds

my dog started barking at me when i juggle, i think im embarrassing him

-next plague- boy, we needed that one

is there anything good left on the internet or is it just the box where they store all of the horrors

i got a book on codependency, will someone please read it with me

i would like to start one day without something completely fucking insane.

yeah but can AI pound a 24 pack of diet coke in a week

"men need to lead the household" honey he's too embarrassed to wipe his own ass

hey man, if you’re gay its fine

James: His critics said that he should wait his turn. His critics said that he did not have the experience. His critics said they did not have the right name. Well, now all of them know his god damn name.

Tech companies only have five ideas: robot slave (actually just human slaves), hallucinatory counter-reality, untaxable money, The Everything App, and Clippy

they’re not sending their best

you can take the boy out of the wedgie, but you can’t take the wedgie out of the boy

going to crash out, does anyone need anything

And Just Like That is so terrible. i hope they make 45 seasons

why does every single health food store smell weird. is that part of the health

i keep reading books in subjects im interested and peter thiel is the villain in all of them

what if I'm not overthinking, what if most people are underthinking, huh?

“there are a few bad actors in LA” oh girl there’s more than a few

I love reading serious stories about guys who believe AGI is real, it feels like a bunch of millionaires plotting to find and capture Santa Claus

everyone who whines about LA has never been here, like listen Brandon i've never been to your room but i know you never wash your sheets, you dont hear me bitching about it

the nice thing about the autistic labor camps is that at least i’ll be living in a walkable neighborhood with my friends again

i am so, so, so, so sorry to the ppl i’ve called Nazis as of late, that was inaccurate. i meant to say neo Nazis

i dont want to live in a world where Wikipedia is on the 2nd+ page of google search

you merely adopted the sadness; I was born in it, molded by it

i accidentally forgot to relax today. maybe tomorrow

i have daddy issues, but only in the sense that my dad was seriously SO nice that he did not prepare me for the rest of men

sorry i don’t think HBO Max itself gets to make jokes about their name change. you are not in on the joke. we are making fun of you

every time i check the news i think im having a stroke