My dog just farted in his sleep and it woke him up.

And now they had to go and add a Goth Blood Rave in my neighborhood? I might DIE on June 13th.

Way to go, Brewers! 🧹🧹🧹

Allie Boys, baby!

A friend used to post every May like "Please be considerate with your posts about Mother's Day. Many people have had difficult relationships with their mothers! Don't assume we want to see your tributes!" OK, fair but then every Father's Day she'd write a long testimony about how great her dad is!

Buncha horny and wrong dads on Mother's Day morning are like "I bet my wife wants me to wake her up with sex!"

I went to the online ordering site for the bagel shop right at opening time and it said pickup was available in 30 minutes. By the time I completed my order the pickup time shot up to almost an hour. I guess I'm not the only person who had this idea for Mother's Day breakfast.

The Hanson Brothers - Victoria [The Kinks cover] [NoMeansNo] youtu.be/rrYufOmSVvg

Badly-named creature: the Guinea pig

Counterpoint: He is.

I'm watching SO I MARRIED AN AXE MURDERER with my kids for the umpteenth time and they asked me who William/Heed is supposed to be. I said he's Charlie's baby brother. My wife cast doubt on that. I had never questioned it before! I think who he is is never explicitly stated.

omg we were SO CLOSE to Miz opening the Yankees game with an Immaculate Inning.

One pitch off an immaculate inning! So close!

My kid has declined an offer to go the Brewers game so I will go by myself and eat all the food I was going to buy for her.

"You must engage with the gaming community if you want to understand modern society." Nah, you must engage with gaming if you want to understand gamers, which I don't.

Craig Ferguson - Drew Carey Show - Windy youtu.be/ilYn6M90UbQ

Forgive me for being basic but it's been a while since I've stated it: you should never vote for the GOP. Not even for some stupid local office.

My kid and her friend have been snacking and cooking their own meals for 2 hours. I'm starting to sympathize with the "In Sweden kids don't eat at their friend's houses" idea.

If you had a time machine would you go back to kill Baby Whoever Started Overusing The Word "Liminal?"

"Oh! Oh, Sheila! Let me love you till the morning comes" -just a song I used to sing when I was 7 years old

Every summer in Milwaukee there's one day per month where it feels like everything is happening at once. That day in June will be Saturday, June 13.

So many moves of the Trump administration act as time bombs

This could be the funniest video on the internet but if I have to take 2:03 of time out of my day to watch it, I'll never know.

it took me too long to realize that this was "horseshit" censored and not new slang i didn't know about yet where "horses" meant bad

Ted Turner was briefly so destructive to film preservation that the GOVERNMENT created the National Film Registry to keep some films safe, then Turner was like “fine! You like preservation so much, here’s a channel that just shows movies unaltered for 24 hours!!!” and it was the best channel ever.

Huh, I would've guessed he was way older. GONE TOO SOON!

Hell yeah! I LOVE that my credit card bill just KEEPS GETTING HIGHER.

It's the Wednesday before Mother's Day: this is the last day you can buy a gift, order flowers, make a restaurant reservation and still feel like you're responsible (and not feel like a procrastinating piece of shit!)

I love how every time it gets announced that a Walgreens is closing commenters start going crazy about how it's a sign that local leaders are soft on crime. It doesn't matter where the closures are actually happening, of course.

This is how far we got into SHAUN OF THE DEAD before my kids started loudly chattering and running around the house.

It was kinda funny how many people ca. 2013 were like "I've got 10K followers and commonly get retweeted by celebrities... I should move to Los Angeles."

The only DOJ attorney I know directly told me he "rage quit" earlier this year. The poor management of long-term federal employees will be a legacy of this Trump admin.

I should be able to delete a file while a program is using it. The program will just have to figure it out. Who is in charge here?

It's not even close to the distance I was hoping for but I did think it would be funny if the new season of "The Bear" started with Carm saying "Y'know what? I'm moving to Phoenix!" or something.

Periodic Reminder: if you like to do holiday parties but avoid crowds you should spend Cinco de Mayo at Irish bars and St. Patrick's Day at Mexican bars.

To cheer up a friend I once wrote a fake Missed Connection post on craigslist about her. It was written from the perspective of a lovestruck stranger who admired her grace, sophistication, and beauty. I got an emailed reply that said "Forget about it, dude. She only dates black guys."

Um...so I accidentally stumbled onto the UVA law library's collection of 6,000 drawings by courtroom sketch reporter Ida Libby Dengrove, who worked in NYC mostly in the '70s & '80s, & they're kind of...amazing..?? This one is tagged "Clown Attack" (thread) archives.law.virginia.edu/resources/18...

I think if the Brewers branding on the jersey were a little stronger, this would be a no-brainer.

Another year with no Linneman's participation. The grudge shall live on!

Look at this stupid burger I got at Cheesecake Factory.

Mom went to Verizon because she couldn't hear any voice directions when using her GPS

It seems to me the people of Washington, DC are going through a much more deranged version of the Trump Presidency than the rest of us

Writers are like: this protagonist is cool and sexy. He's an alcoholic writer and he's divorced.

It's probably a telling sign about gas prices that when I went to the gas station I noticed that all the pumps I could see had only dispensed 4 - 5 gallons in their last sales. I also only put 5 gallons in my car.

As it should be!

Just walked by a car that had a couple hundred dollars in bills on the dashboard. People, I'm telling you: my neighborhood is fucking SAFE.

We love wind chill factor on May 2nd, don't we, folks?

Most pitiful people online this weekend: those who feel the need to publicly process the shutdown of Spirit Airlines. Unless you're stranded somewhere, WHO GIVES A FUCK.

I can't explain it but I like when movies put "The End" onscreen.