licks the hummus off your cucumber and throws it on the floor #parrotsky

Adults of the world: please stop making vague and empty threats at your toddlers. You need to make immediately actionable demands. They will not remember next week that you told them last week "if you keep screaming we won't come back next week." Sincerely, a Story Time reader.

Today's Cheese #parrots

"No onions," I say, letting a single tear roll down my cheek so the server knows I'm pro-onion but have food intolerances

Ruminating on how sad I am that the Reddit Guy With Two Penises was a hoax. Not for horny reasons, just because it made me feel like anything was possible in this world.

Every time my isopod tank gets crowded and I cull them (by putting a dozen of them back outside where I found them) my spouse makes me feel guilty by saying I've cast them out of paradise

I've always wanted one of these fancy tabletop perches but all my other cockatiels through the years have been too rascally to stay put on one. Not so for Cheese, who has not a single rascally feather on his body.

Cheese cake ...

Brought this toad to my weekly class of first graders. They immediately asked why he didn't have a penis. My automatic response was "he doesn't need one."

Nobody warned me that adulthood involves so much inventory management. Usually of other people's inventories.

I hate that my teeth chatter when I'm upset. I'm feeling internal despair but on the outside I look like I'm in the Scooby Doo haunted house.

My spouse just asked me "這些是我們的橄欖嗎?" (are these our olives?) And I answered "我們? Si." I don't speak Spanish.

I think it's really funny when children's stories want there to be a monarchy for the aesthetic, but they don't want any awkwardness around monarchy as a form of government, so they have a democratically elected king

my evil cereals

Ripley: u wanna noodle? Spouse: That's not what this is. Ripley: what is it? Spouse: It's oatmeal. Ripley: a berry? Spouse: Nice try.

Having a sick in bed day and my spouse brought me Cheese

Wish me luck eating food tomorrow

they should make a kind of sleep that is restful

"time heals all wounds" wrong. sepsis

Fellas is it being a poor little meow meow to *checks notes* be hospitalized for PTSD

How does an animal the size of a tangerine have so much swagger

Potato fiend #parrots

This is like if 2/3 of the people in Wyoming fled the state.

Someone from a local org that made a guy who harassed me a board member just sent me an email after YEARS of radio silence ... to ask for membership dues. I'm about to get a good grade in standing up for myself

when I die Anubis is gonna be so impressed with how heavy my heart is. he's gonna ask me if I work out

He really loves John Oliver

Seized by the urge to buy a rotary phone and a converter jack. I miss handsets.

I think this is gonna be the year I finish painting all the walls in the house.

Hey why are leftists still using the term "zio" in the year 2026. If you're talking about zionists, just say zionists. Stop letting David Duke put words in your mouth.

Cheese visits a new room in the house

✷ Coelacanth ✷

He likes to sit in the sunbeam #parrots

Drives me mad to encounter journalists asking if AIs are conscious and self-aware and getting all misty eyed about nonhuman intelligence. We have nonhuman intelligence at home.

doodle time #drawing

If you can't afford Calvin Klein's Obsession, apparently LunarLife Apothecary's "Tea & Crumpets" scent is also deeply alluring to cats.

When my mom stays up too late, her dog goes to bed and tucks herself in. #dogsofbluesky

Getting dumped really puts children's cartoon villains into perspective. Like dude you're SO right, love and caring ARE disgusting and we SHOULD cast a spell to drain all human emotion into your amulet.

First batch of maple syrup of the year. Enough for maybe three pancakes?

Hey. It's time to dump #discord for element.io.

My #parrot likes to say "happy bird" when he's dancing or playing, and today while I was just sitting with him he said "really happy" in a cheerful little voice and it sounded like he meant it 🥲

Found this great spinosaurus at the thrift store for five bucks, just missing two toes and with one arm badly duct taped back on. Glued the arm back on properly and made some new toes out of Apoxie Sculpt. After a little paint she'll be as good as new.

I never feel as much like an NPC as when I'm knitting at the bar

Something especially depressing about searching for Folk Art and getting AI results. I want to see stuff made by a grandma.

This is the kind of work day I'm having

Interesting dynamic going on with my mother in law's nursing home: they often make me their primary contact despite my spouse, her biological son, being her legal agent. Dunno whether this is because they think I'm a woman or because he is Asian American and his mom is white. Either way: gross.

Making a taller jump for my spouse's rabbit

a quick little #painting from work

Please make a horse with me: gradient.horse

Crazy how Craigslist and Marketplace are full of free pianos and people are paying for software that generates music for them.

Furries have already achieved the dream of every shit silicon valley technology and in a more ethical and less cringe way The metaverse: VRChat NFTs: adoptable fursonas Typing words into a text box and having art appear: commissions